


Unconditionally

by Melody_LongWolf



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dragon Age Fusion, Alternate Universe - Student/Teacher, F/M, Teacher-Student Relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:54:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 25
Words: 73,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25498684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melody_LongWolf/pseuds/Melody_LongWolf
Summary: Elyssa believes she is damaged, broken, and unlovable. Solas has a past that has left him wary and guarded. When he notices that the shy student in the back of his class may have more issues than anyone could have guessed. Will he be able to let his guard down enough to help her? Will, she let him?  Together will they be able to show each other that true love is unconditional? A Dragon Age AU where Solas is an art teacher for a troubled Elyssa Lavellan. *This story will contain details and descriptions of violence and rape/molestation. Trigger warnings will be applied at the beginning of chapters containing this content* Thank you to the wonderful DeVara_Lavellan for being a wonderful beta reader and a supportive friend.
Relationships: Anders/Lavellan (Dragon Age), Andruil/Solas (Dragon Age), Female Adaar/Iron Bull, Female Lavellan/Solas
Comments: 35
Kudos: 42





	1. Silent Scream

**Author's Note:**

> The story's name comes from the song Unconditionally by Katy Perry. Because the best kind of love is kind, understanding, supportive, and unconditional.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas notices that the seemingly quiet Elyssa is being troubled by something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Each chapter, as well as the story itself, is named after a song either because the name or meaning fits. This chapter's name was inspired by the song Silent Scream sung by Anna Blue. I picked this song because Elyssa's drawing is, indeed, a silent scream. Please read and review. I'd love to hear what everyone thinks.

Solas’s desk was littered with the thick unlined papers of various sketchbooks. The project had been a simple one, draw anything using the techniques they had learned thus far: hatching, cross-hatching, stippling, pointillism, scribbling, or blending. Most of the projects were simple objects that could be found around the classroom: a cell phone, bookbags, cabinets, one student had even drawn an entire desk using the pointillism method. The project that had captured Solas’s attention the most wasn’t a simple classroom object. The paper was filled with the dark blending of a side profile of a woman’s head from the shoulders up. Long strands of pale hair fell in contrast against the woman’s shoulders. Upon closer inspection, Solas was able to see that the hair had been drawn with the short ticking strokes of the hatching method. However, it wasn’t the multiple different methods or the skill of the drawing that drew his attention, it was what the picture depicted itself. The woman’s head was turned slightly upward, eyes squeezed closed, and mouth agape as if she were silently screaming in pain. Around the woman’s neck, a claw-like hand was scribbled. The points where its fingertips met with skin there were small droplets drawn in various stages of sliding down the neck. The rich, dark red of blood was the only color in the otherwise dark drawing. It was beautifully drawn and very disturbing coming from a high school student.

The signature on the bottom right-hand corner revealed it to be the work of Elyssa Lavellan. Solas stared hard at the picture. By all rights she had earned a hundred on the project, she had, after all, used three different methods. Yet, something inside him stopped him from simply grading the paper as such and moving it to the side with the other graded works. He found himself walking to the cabinet he kept the previously graded projects left behind by students not interested in taking their works home. All of Elyssa’s projects from the quarter had been left behind. All as beautifully done as this one had been. And all of them dark and twisted in some way. Where the rest of the class had drawn clownfish, turtles, and infant octopi depicted as adorably as possible, Elyssa had drawn a shark jaws open to attack. Amongst the tulips, daisies, and sunflowers standing tall, while Elyssa’s wilted rose stood out. The pattern continued. Where the rest of the class drew pictures that were cheerful or normal, Elyssa’s art was always a dark version of the assignment. The most recent being the darkest yet.

Solas made his way back to his desk, mind lost in thought. Elyssa was a quiet girl. She sat in the back of the classroom furthest from the door. She rarely spoke and never gave him any problems. Most students thought Art was a class where one could act out and do as one wished, but not Elyssa. She worked diligently, aced all the tests, and never acted out. If it weren’t for the nature of her drawings Solas would say she was a model student. Outside of his classroom, he didn’t know much about her. He made a mental note to ask around discreetly with her other teachers. As it was, he couldn’t let this project go without talking to her. The rest of the student’s projects were graded with ease. Afterward, he placed all of Elyssa’s projects in a separate file. He would get to the bottom of this one way or another.

* * *

Elyssa stared down at the paper in front of her. ‘Stay behind after class.’ So much trouble in four small little words. Staying behind after class meant she’d be late getting home since Art was her last class of the day. Maybe she should just leave? She could just come to class during her lunch period and talk to him then. Yes, that’s what she would do. She would simply tell Mr. Wolfe that she couldn’t stay behind today due to prior obligations and she would talk to him during lunch tomorrow. She shuffled behind the rest of the class, hoping she would make it out without being noticed. 

“Miss Lavellan, a moment of your time please?” the deep voice called from behind her. She had been spotted. She needed to get out and fast. She had to get home.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Wolfe,” she turned towards the source of the voice. He sat in a large wooden chair with two-toned red padding behind his vast oak desk littered with books and papers. Amongst the chaos on his desk was a manila folder with her name written upon it. Whatever this was about was in the contents of that folder. “Can this please wait until tomorrow? I can come to talk to you during lunch?” She begged. His gray-blue eyes focused on the folder on his desk, his light brown eyebrows furrowed.

“I’m sorry, Miss Lavellan,” he shook his head piercing her with his intense blue gaze, “but I think it would be best if we had this discussion sooner rather than later.” 

Inside her chest her heart pounded, her breath came in short shallow intervals. She struggled to maintain a calm exterior. _Deep breaths. In and then out. Look at him levelly, blink normally._ She nodded her head, taking a seat across from him. “Yes sir,” she answered. Maybe if she got this over with quickly she could still make it in good time. It was the best she could hope for at this point. That she could still make it home in time and everything would be okay.

Solas looked at the girl sitting across from him. Her green eyes were cast downward, her ash-white hair fell in waves over her shoulders. In her lap she fiddled with the hem of her black long sleeve top, twisting it one way then another. _She must be nervous about getting called out like this._ He had spoken with her other teachers and all had agreed she was a quiet girl that gave them no problems. They had also said they noticed nothing unusual about her work or demeanor. To them, Elyssa Lavellan was just the shy quiet student that passed through unnoticed. A seventeen-year-old girl with no remarkable traits, skating by on the outskirts of life. So why all the dark pictures? 

“Miss Lavellan,” he began.

“Please just call me Elyssa,” she asked softly.

“Okay… Elyssa,” he resumed, “I asked to speak with you today because - quite frankly - I’m concerned.” The words had no sooner left his mouth when her head snapped up, leveling him with wide green eyes. She seemed to freeze in the small chair she sat in. Solas raised an eyebrow in question. _Why such a reaction?_ “Miss Lave- Elyssa?” he called softly, “are you okay?”

His question seemed to thaw her. “What?” she asked but shook her head before he could answer. “Of course, I’m fine.” She pointed to the file on his desk. “This is why we're here, is it not?” she asked, “let's just get this over with.”

“Miss Lavellan, why do you think you’re here talking to me now?” he asked. She seemed to know that he had called her here because of her work; her attitude indicated she thought it was something bad. He wasn’t here to lecture her. He was here to see why she drew such sad, painful artwork. It was as if she were trying to say something she couldn’t put into words. Something easier for her to draw than speak aloud. 

She sighed. “Because you couldn’t wait until lunch tomorrow,” she answered with sarcasm, “whatever is in that folder I’m sure could have waited another day.” Solas was taken aback by the attitude that had unfolded from the young woman. Who would have thought the quiet girl in the corner had such a voice?

With a quick hand, he pulled her latest work from the top of the file and pushed it towards her. The defiant light left her eyes as she stared at the screaming woman in the drawing. Looking at the artist closely beside their work, Solas could see the woman’s hair in the drawing was a very similar shade to Elyssa’s. The face had the same small pointed nose, the same full bottom lip and thinner top one, the same defiant chin. It had been so obvious, Solas didn’t know how he had missed it before. The woman silently screaming in pain was Elyssa. “This is why I asked you to speak to me today.” 

“I don’t understand,” she looked up at him, “I did the assignment as asked. I used multiple methods in fact.”

“Elyssa the picture is beautiful,” he offered kindly, “but I’m concerned about the meaning behind the drawing. It’s so dark, it is as if this woman is screaming in pain. Maybe she’s screaming for help?” 

Her green eyes turned cold, the defiant light once again shining within. “Well she’s not,” Elyssa growled, “she doesn’t need any help and neither do I!” She stood abruptly, marching towards the exit.

“Elyssa wait!” he called to the fleeing figure, “I’m just worried something is wrong. Your art is always so sad.”

“I’ll have you know that I’m perfectly happy,” she turned to glare at him, “not that it's any of your business anyway. I just draw whatever comes to mind. I don’t need you reading into everything.” She paused once more at the door. “Please just let it go.” her whisper cracked with emotion, the words ringing louder than thunder. Solas watched the young woman leave, more determined than ever to find out exactly what was going on with Elyssa Lavellan.


	2. Smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas shows Elyssa some much-needed kindness during lunch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's name was inspired by the song Smile sung by Nat King Cole. I picked this song because to me its a song about smiling and making it through the ache and pain of life to get to something better, something Elyssa and Solas are both trying to do. Please read and review! Let me know what you think about the story.

The sound of rubber soles echoing off the linoleum tiles of the hall rang through Solas’s ears. No students should be roaming the halls at this hour. They should all be in the cafeteria eating and socializing. Solas rounded the corner to see Elyssa coming from the girl’s restroom. She looked around timidly as if she were checking to see if anyone had noticed her.

“Miss Lavellan, can I help you find your way to the cafeteria?” He asked in a soft but authoritative tone. Students weren’t allowed to wander around the halls aimlessly. _Surely Elyssa was aware of that?_

“Mr. Wolfe!” The small girl jumped at the sound of his voice. “I’m sorry. I was just using the bathroom before going to lunch.” The way her head was turned downward and her eyes refused to meet his own didn’t sit well with Solas. She seemed too nervous to have simply been using the bathroom before joining her peers.

“Well, then allow me to escort you there,” he suggested. Elyssa nodded her head, though she still kept her eyes downcast. Thick tension hovered in the silence between them. They hadn’t spoken since Solas had confronted her about her last assignment. Since then, Elyssa had turned in less grim artwork and scurried out of class before he ever had the chance to speak with her again. He had spoken to the counselor for the senior class, but Salem hadn’t noticed anything unusual about Elyssa. It seemed that none of the teachers had noticed anything about her except for him. If it hadn’t been for her grim and fatalistic drawing, would he have even noticed the young woman?

They arrived at the doors of the lunchroom. Through the thick paned glass, Solas could see the large crowds of students clustered together at the long tables. Along the far wall, the teachers that chose to spend the hour in the room supervising the students sat and talked amongst themselves. Solas saw the large horned figure of the History teacher and football coach, Hissrad - or as most people referred to him - Iron Bull. He sat next to his wife Salem Adaar, the senior class counselor. Solas decided to ask the smaller qunari woman and to keep an eye on Elyssa while she was in the cafeteria. He preferred the quietness of his classroom to the bustle and noise of the cafeteria but he needed to make sure Elyssa would be alright before he retreated to it.

Solas opened the door for Elyssa, his eyes never leaving her. The young woman looked at the clusters of student cliques with wide eyes. Her feet remained glued to the tile she stood on outside the door. Her chest rose and fell in a short shallow rhythm. “Elyssa are you okay?” he asked softly. She slowly shook her head. “Would you rather come to my classroom for lunch?” Green eyes turned to finally meet his. She hesitated for a moment before nodding. Solas offered the woman a tentative smile, hoping to comfort her a little. He didn’t know why she didn’t want to join the rest of the students in the cafeteria, but he could see in the slight tremble of her blue jean covered legs that she was upset. 

He closed the door and led her down the hall to his classroom. He thought of how to approach the subject of the cafeteria without making her lash out at him as she had before. Perhaps he should just leave it be? Giving her an alternative to the place she was so clearly uncomfortable being in would have to be helpful enough for now. At least then he’d be able to see for himself that she was okay instead of having to rely on his coworkers. The thought of relying on someone else, even someone as dependable as Salem, to watch over and protect this girl churned his stomach. Having been the only one so far to see through the shy, quiet facade Elyssa put forth left him feeling protective of her. 

She sat in her usual desk in the back corner of his classroom, furthest from his desk. She took a sketchbook and nothing else out of her worn backpack. “You didn’t bring lunch with you?” he asked. 

She shook her head, her eyes once again not meeting his. “I… forgot my lunch at home,” she answered quietly. 

The hesitation in her answer nagged at the back of his mind. Had she truly forgotten her lunch? Or was there something more she wasn’t telling him? People forget things all the time. It was quite plausible that she had indeed forgotten her lunch at home. Yet he couldn’t shake the feeling that this wasn’t the case. “Would you like me to get you a tray from the cafeteria?” he asked with soft kindness. Elyssa tilted her head to the side. She looked surprised that he was offering to do something for her. Was he that strict of a teacher that it came as a shock that he would be nice to one of his students? He didn’t think he was very strict at all, but perhaps he was wrong.

“No thank you, Mr. Wolfe,” she answered, “I don’t care for the food they serve here. That’s why I don’t go to the lunchroom.” Solas studied the young woman for a moment. Being an elf, she was naturally thin and petite, but she was thinner than most elves her age. She wasn’t extremely small, just thin enough to make him wonder how many times she skipped out on meals while at school. If she didn’t eat lunch, she likely didn’t eat breakfast either. 

“Okay,” he hesitated. He didn’t want to just let her not eat. It wasn’t good for her health and he wouldn’t be a very good teacher if he didn’t do something for her. He let her concentrate on the picture she was sketching, while he went through his lunch bag. In it was a sandwich, an apple, some instant tea packets Josephine, the freshman counselor, had given him to try, and a few bottles of water. Solas looked at the girl drawing diligently at her desk and then again at his opened lunch box. He grabbed the sandwich, a bottle of water, and one of the tea packets and walked over to his pupil. He laid the food in front of her on the desk. 

“What’s this?” she asked. She used the long flowy sleeve of her shirt to halfway cover her drawing. Solas had already seen the beginnings of the picture. Half of the outline of a young girl balled up in a bed clutching a pillow was still visible. Instead of confronting her once more on the nature of her art, Solas decided to focus on the issue at hand - making sure Elyssa ate.

“It's food,” Solas commented cheekily. Elyssa chuckled, a small smile showing on her full lips. Solas realized that this was the first time he could recall seeing her smile. She had such a lovely smile be it a small one.

“I can see that it’s food, Mr. Wolfe,” Elyssa rolled her pale green eyes, “what I mean is why is it in front of me now?”

“Because you need to eat,” Solas answered.

“Mr. Wolfe, I can’t take your food,” she protested.

“I have more food,” he argued, “you would just be eating what would otherwise go to waste.” He didn’t let her know that the remaining food he had consisted of an apple and a bottle of water. He could truthfully say he wasn’t very hungry today; the way Elyssa looked with longing at the sandwich he could tell she was. “You’d be doing me a favor.”

Elyssa hesitated for a brief moment. “All right, if it was going to go to waste anyway then I guess I’ll help you out.” Solas smiled approvingly at the teenager. Elyssa removed the sandwich from the plastic bag it was stored in without further hesitation. Her eyes widened in surprise, assumingly from having noticed after a large bite, that the sandwich had the nutty sweetness of peanut butter and the sugary tang of grape jelly. “You bring peanut butter and jelly for lunch?” She asked with a chuckle.

“On occasion,” Solas answered, “is there something wrong with such a sandwich?”

“It’s just… you’re a teacher?” Elyssa answered, “I wouldn’t expect you to eat something sweet like this for lunch. It doesn’t seem very adult-like.”

Solas laughed. “So because I am an adult, this means I can’t enjoy the sweeter things in life?” 

Elyssa’s head turned in thought slightly to the right. “No, I suppose you’re allowed to enjoy sweet things if you want,” she answered with a small smile.

“How lovely it is to have your permission,” Solas teased, “I can go forth enjoying sweets with a clear conscience now.”

“You’re quite welcome Mr. Wolfe,” she chuckled, “I wouldn’t want you having an unclear conscience on my account.”

“Miss Lavellan, you are aware that I am the adult here?” Solas asked with humor, “it is I that should be worried about your conscience.”

“I don’t know, Mr. Wolfe,” she raised a dark brow in teasing, “you don’t seem very much like an adult now. You look so young and handsome, plus you bring peanut butter and jelly to school for lunch.”

“You think I look handsome?” Solas asked with a sly smile. The young girl’s alabaster cheeks turned a bright crimson at her slip up. Solas chuckled. It was not the first time one of his students told him such things. He had gotten used to the flirtatious giggles and notes left on his desk that came with the compliments. In his years of teaching, he had made sure every school girl crush was never encouraged, as was his job. Yet, he couldn’t find it in his heart to discourage Elyssa from further comments. She had smiled more in the past ten minutes than he had ever seen her smile in the entire time he had been her teacher. What harm was one little compliment?

“How old are you anyway, Mr. Wolfe?” she asked instead of answering his question. 

“I am 27 years old,” he answered, “though, I will be 28 in a few weeks.”

“Really?” Elyssa asked with interest, “you were born in October?”

“On the 23rd to be exact,” Solas nodded, “what about you Miss Lavellan? It’s only fair I know your birthday as well.”

Elyssa took another large bite of the sandwich before answering. “I’ll be 18 on March 23rd.”

“I’m not so much older than you then,” Solas chuckled, “though, I’m still over the age of 18 and therefore the adult.”

“Barely,” Elyssa snorted, “though I think my preference for ham sandwiches makes me much more of an adult in this case.”

Solas laughed at the young woman’s consistent teasing. “I will concede the victory to you then, Miss Lavellan.”

“Please, just Elyssa is fine,” she insisted in a small voice. Solas watched as her demeanor turned sad and serious once again. What was it about being called by her last name that bothered her so? 

“Forgive me, Elyssa,” he sighed, “I did not mean to upset you.”

Her green eyes bore into him with surprise. Had she thought he wouldn’t notice the change in her? Or was she once again surprised at the kindness he was showing her? 

“It’s okay Mr. Wolfe,” she forced a small smile to form on her full lips, “it’s just weird hearing my last name used so casually.”

Solas nodded in understanding. There seemed to be more she wasn’t telling him; for now, that explanation would do. “In that case, you may call me Solas,” he offered. Perhaps with something as simple as a first name he could begin building his pupil’s trust. Then with more time maybe he would be able to unravel the mystery she presented.

“Solas?” 

“That’s my first name,” he chuckled, “teachers have them too.”

“Oh! I didn’t even think,” she laughed shortly, “of course you have a first name you probably prefer too.”

“Only for you,” Solas answered with a small smile, “I want you to be comfortable with me.”

Elyssa continued eating the sandwich in silence while she pondered his words. He was showing her such kindness today. Not turning her in for wandering the halls. Letting her spend her lunch hour in his classroom. Giving his lunch to her. Now allowing her the privilege of calling him by his first name. She didn’t know what she had done to deserve such kindness, but she was happy to have received it on today of all days. Fridays were one of the worst days of the week. Most students looked forward to the weekend at home with their families, while she couldn’t wait for the weekend to be over. 

She watched as Solas returned to his desk. He didn’t seem offended by her lack of an answer. Maybe he truly wanted her to be comfortable with him? Isn’t that what teachers usually wanted for their students? For them to be in a comfortable environment for optimal learning? He was just showing her the kindness he would show any of his students. Still, she appreciated it more than he could know.

She finished the lunch he had provided her. With determination to show him the same kindness, she marched to his desk. “Thank you,” she said softly, laying the plastic bag and bottle on his desk. 

Solas smiled up at her, “You’re welcome to my classroom any day for lunch.”

The bell signaling the end of lunch buzzed through the halls. Elyssa hurriedly gathered her sketchbook and pencils. Before leaving the classroom she turned to look at the teacher who had made her day more bearable. “You’re a pretty nice guy Solas,” she smiled, “you don’t know how much that means to me.”


	3. Hanging By A Moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A field trip brings our two artists a little closer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title was inspired by the song Hanging By A Moment sung by Lifehouse. I picked this song because firstly, they're at a museum exhibit for a famous painter, and secondly because this is the first moment they have romantically and truly begin to look at each other as more than just student and teacher. Please read and review. I'd love to know what your thoughts are on this story! Also, let me know if you caught the references made in this chapter (hint it's not the Poe poems)

Elyssa stared down at the paper in her hands. She had worked hard all week to earn a little extra money to spend on a souvenir and she had managed to catch her mother in a rare good mood this morning. Now she had a signed permission slip to the Van Gogh exhibit in the museum. Excitement coursed through her as she waited in line to board the bus. Vincent Van Gogh was one of her favorite artists. There was just something about the way he found beauty in the sorrows of life that inspired her. She couldn’t wait to see his works up close.

When she stepped onto the bus, she saw that almost every seat was full. She shuffled her way to the back of the bus, trying to find an open seat. She made it to the very last seat on the bus to find Solas sitting attentively, keeping an eye on the busful of students. 

“Um… Solas?” Elyssa whispered shyly.

“Yes?” his blue eyes focused on her, a corner of his full lips turning up into a welcoming smile.

“All the other seats are full,” she stated, “may I sit here?

“Of course,” He stood, letting her take the window seat. She smiled gratefully at him and took the seat he offered. Solas collected the permission slips from all the students and checked that all the students were seated properly before the bus began rolling. When he had ensured everyone was seated safely and with permission, he took his seat next to Elyssa. He found that she had pulled a book from the bag at her side.

“What are you reading?” Solas asked curiously.

Elyssa held the book up for Solas to see the title,  _ The Complete Works of Edgar Allan Poe _ . She saw surprise light her teacher’s blue-grey eyes.

“You’re reading the works of Poe on a bus ride to a Van Gogh museum exhibit?” Solas chuckled.

“Yes,” Elyssa answered hesitantly, “is there something wrong with that?”

His mouth widened in a smile. “Not at all,” he answered, “I’m just surprised to find someone your age taking such an interest in those subjects,”

“It comforts me, knowing that their pain and suffering could be turned to something beautiful,” she whispered, “It gives me hope that maybe mine can be made into something beautiful one day as well,” She spoke so softly his elven ears almost couldn’t hear it. 

Solas stared in interest at his pupil. Though he was surprised that she was being so honest, he was pleased she was beginning to open up to him. However, he didn’t want to push his luck too much and pry, causing her to close herself off once again. “What’s your favorite work of Poe’s?” he decided to ask instead.

“ _ From childhood’s hour, I have not been. As others were—I have not seen. As others saw—I could not bring. My passions from a common spring— _ ” she quoted with a quiet voice.

“ _ From the same source, I have not taken. My sorrow—I could not awaken. My heart to joy at the same tone— And all I lov’d—I lov’d alone—”  _ Solas continued, his mouth turning into a sad smile. His mind swirled with questions he wanted desperately to ask. Why was  _ Alone _ her favorite work by Edgar Allan Poe? Granted, Poe was not known for his cheery disposition, but of all the gothic author’s works, why that one? Most students her age could barely pay attention to the required studies of  _ The Raven  _ or  _ The Masque of The Red Death _ . Yet here was Elyssa Lavellan, quoting one of his lesser-known poems while reading a book of Poe's complete works in her spare time.

"You seem familiar with that particular piece," Elyssa commented. She watched the elven man closely. She knew all too well that sad smile he displayed, that familiarity with a poem that described in the best way the feeling of being lost on one's own. It would seem her art teacher might understand her better than she thought. 

A tightness gripped her heart at the thought of what could have put that sad smile on his face. In all the time she had been in high school, she had watched Solas walk confidently through the halls. She looked on as he smiled as students proudly displayed their works outside his classroom. She had even been the occasional observer of his joking demeanor with Coach Bull and Mrs. Adaar. Never once in all that time did she notice that his stormy eyes had the same sad depth her's did when she gazed at herself in the mirror. Yet right now, as the bus rolled down the highway, all she could notice was the unimaginable sorrow in the grey-blue depths she stared into. What had put that pain there? 

"What about you?" She took her mind off the gorgeous color of Solas's eyes and the mysteries held there.

"Pardon?" It seemed he, too, had been distracted.

"What's your favorite Poe piece?" She clarified.

" _ Take this kiss upon the brow! And, in parting from you now, Thus much let me avow — You are not wrong, who deem, That my days have been a dream _ ," Solas quoted. He was curious, just how much of Poe was Elyssa familiar with?

" _ Yet if hope has flown away In a night, or in a day, In a vision, or in none, Is it, therefore, the less gone? All that we see or seem Is but a dream within a dream _ ." Elyssa did what he had hoped and finished the verse.

"I'm impressed, Miss Lavellan," he nodded approvingly. The small frown that dawned her features reminded Solas of her request to utilize her first name. "I apologize, Elyssa," he murmured sincerely, "your distaste for your last name slipped my mind for a moment,"

"I don't dislike my last name," Elyssa disagreed, "it just reminds me that I'm different,"

"I understand," Solas nodded, "but the Lavellan clan was once the most respected clans in the Free Marshes," He could understand the desire to have a more simple name that didn't set one apart from their peers. His own family had changed their elven name of Fen to the English translation of Wolfe generations before him. It had been said they were descendants of the once great Fen'Harel from the Dragon Age. He also recalled that the Lavellan clan sired the elven Inquisitor that had stood by Fen'Harel and saved Thedas from sure destruction all those ages ago. Elyssa should be proud of her lineage. Still, he understood the desire for simplicity.

A heavy sigh sounded from Elyssa. "It's a bit more… complicated… then that," she explained.

"Anything you care to talk about?" Solas asked her carefully. 

Elyssa lifted a brow in surprised response. "Um, we're at the museum now," she answered. 

"Another time then, perhaps," Solas suggested, his voice laced with hope. Elyssa didn't answer, instead, she focused on putting away her book. Solas let her retreat into herself, wishing he knew how to get her to open up. 

The bus rolled to a stop in a designated parking space. Elyssa watched as Solas snapped into what could best be described as teacher mode. He opened the bus doors and instructed the students to file into a line. He ensured each student was accounted for and in pairs. The standard buddy system for any field trip. Elyssa, being the last person off the bus was left without a buddy.

"It would seem you are once again required to be my companion," Solas remarked, coming to stand next to her. An amused smile lightened Elyssa's features.

"You're going to be my buddy?" She teased.

"Well I wouldn't want any of my students to be buddiless," he smiled. 

"It must be my lucky day," Elyssa laughed, "my teacher is my buddy."

"I assure you the pleasure is mine." Solas jokingly winked, causing Elyssa to burst into a fit of laughter. Warmth seeped through Solas's chest at the musical sound of her joyous laughter. He found himself staring intensely Elyssa: the way her bottom lip curled in slightly as she laughed, the way merriment caused her normally pale green irises to become a more vibrant shade of the Jade stone they resembled, how her petite frame shook delicately at the low rumbles of amusement that coursed through her. His heart thudded unevenly in his chest and the thought of how beautiful it was to see Elyssa laugh dominated his mind. 

"Well, Mr. Art Teacher," Elyssa's bell-like voice called for his attention, "are you going to teach us of the wonderful life and works of Vincent Van Gogh? Or should I do it?" Solas laughed at her joking taunt, though he didn't doubt that she probably knew quite a bit about the troubled artist.

"You're too young to be trying to take my job from me yet," Solas chuckled. Elyssa laughed with him, causing the same uneven beat of his heart and warmth as before to spread through his chest.

"Give me a few years and you may just have some competition, Mr. Wolfe," she winked at him teasingly. Solas chuckled before walking to the front of the line. He expected her to follow, being that he was her partner for this trip. Instead, she chose to remain behind the rest of the students. He got the class into the Van Gogh exhibit and allowed them to wander in pairs before addressing the issue.

"Why do you choose to hide behind everyone?" He asked directly.

"What do you mean?" She cocked her head to the side, causing a few strands of ash-white hair to fall into her face. Absentmindedly, Solas moved the strands out of her face and tucked them into a pointed ear. A burning heat flared beneath his fingertips. A fiery red blush had trailed from Elyssa's cheeks to the tips of her ears, causing the heat he felt beneath his fingers. Idly, he let his fingertips trail down the point of her ear to her jaw and then along the length of her chin. He liked the way her blush seemed to follow the trail his fingers made. The swirling green depths of her eyes drew him closer, her pouty lips begged for his attention. For the first time since he truly noticed Elyssa, he let himself realize just how beautiful she was.

"Solas?" She murmured. Elyssa's heart pounded in her chest. He was so close to her, like a dream almost within arms reach but not quite close enough to grasp. She saw a hunger mist the grey swirls of blue that were his eyes. A hunger for what she didn’t know. She felt the heat of his long fingers against her jaw. Inside, she longed for things she knew would never happen, not with her. If she were older, not a student, and not broken, maybe then could she give in to her desires. But she would always be broken, that was something that would never change. So, she did the sensible thing and took a step back before she caused problems for a man who was innocently moving hair out of her face. "What do you mean why do I choose to hide behind everyone?" 

Solas's attention was brought back to the matter at hand. He couldn't believe he let himself get caught up in the beauty of one of his students. It was inappropriate and almost certainly unwelcome by Elyssa. The last thing she needed was her teacher behaving inappropriately. Especially when he had nothing to offer her. He had long since given up on anything more than casual dalliances. 

"The buddy system is in place to ensure each student has someone to look after them in case something -such as getting lost- were to happen," Solas explained, "so I would greatly appreciate it if you were to remain by my side for the remainder of this trip." 

Elyssa nodded, a shy smile creeping onto her face. It was nice to have someone want her to be close to them, even if it were for the sake of field trip safety. They wandered around the exhibit looking at all the paintings done by Van Gogh, taking turns telling the history of the artist's life. While most of the students browsed through his more famous paintings, listening to the teachings of the museum curator, Dr. Black, Elyssa chose to roam intently through his lesser-known pieces. She finally came to a stop in front of a painting of a vase of sunflowers.

"I wonder who Amy is?" Elyssa murmured quietly to herself.

"To whom are you referring?" Solas asked curiously.

"On the side of the vase there," Elyssa pointed beneath one of the brown flowers yet to stand, "above his signature, it says 'for Amy,'"

"That is interesting," Solas agreed, "perhaps he had feelings for a girl named Amy?"

"She must have really liked sunflowers then," Elyssa chuckled.

"I suppose she must have," Solas nodded, "what about you?" He tilted his head in curiosity at the Elyssa.

"Do I have feelings for a girl named Amy or do I like sunflowers?" She teased.

"Clever, Elyssa," Solas complimented with a chuckle, "I meant what type of flower do you prefer?"

"No one's ever asked me that before," Elyssa commented quietly, "so I've never really thought about it," They stood quietly for a moment each in their own state of shock. "I suppose I'd have to pick a poppy," she finally answered, "they're underappreciated but still so beautiful, full of life and color. They don't let the fact that hardly anyone notices them stop them from becoming something beautiful,"

"That's an interesting reason to like a particular flower," Solas chuckled, "but perfectly unique and exactly what I'd expect from one such as yourself,"

"Thank you," Elyssa said hesitantly, "I guess,"

"I assure you I meant it entirely as a compliment," Solas murmured sincerely.

"Oh, well then, thank you." Elyssa offered him a small smile. Solas returned it with a beam of his own. The strings of Elyssa's heart pulled at the beauty of Solas's smile. It was her guilty pleasure, Solas's smile. Something she held dear each time she saw it. Maybe she could draw it so she didn't have to wait so long to see it again? She would have to try her hand at it and see how it turned out.

They wandered to the gift shop where all the students, including Elyssa, browsed through the selection of souvenirs. Solas watched as Elyssa picked up several items, seemingly interested in them, only to put them down after a glance at the price tag. She kept going back to a particular key chain that was a duplicate of Van Gogh's _Vase_ _With Twelve Sunflowers_. With a sad sigh, she put the object down and settled for a cheap bookmark of _Starry Night_. Solas watched her leave to sit on a nearby bench just outside of the gift shop. She took out her Poe book and began reading, waiting for the other students to get done making their purchases. 

When Solas was entirely sure she was absorbed in her book, he made his way to the keychain Elyssa had discarded. He grabbed the keychain, as well as a small poppy pen modeled after one of Van Gogh's floral paintings. He purchased both gifts as well as a small gift bag to put both items in. With a glance at a nearby clock, Solas noticed that it was time to head back to the school. He had little trouble gathering all the students together and back onto the bus. It was late afternoon and the exciting day of a field trip had worn out many of the students. The bus was quiet as many of the passengers opted to use the trip back to take a short nap. Solas expected Elyssa to again read her book; instead, she settled with her head against the window. Slowly her eyelids drifted closed and her breathing steadied into the soft rhythm of sleep. She looked peaceful, less troubled as she slept soundly. He wondered once more what secrets she was hiding. What burdens was she bearing alone? Why was there a painful sadness always hidden in the confines of her jade eyes? 

With steady hands, Solas placed the gift bag with both the keychain and pen into the satchel bag beside her. He knew not what possessed him to get the souvenirs for Elyssa. He just felt that she deserved that small kindness. He couldn’t deny that he also enjoyed seeing her smile. She smiled so rarely, something he was determined to remedy. The bus rounded a turn, causing Elyssa’s head to roll softly away from the window. Subconsciously, she readjusted, her head coming to barley rest on his shoulder. Solas looked at the unconscious girl now resting on his shoulder. Her features were peaceful and serene, something she didn’t seem to have when awake. Smoothly, he moved Elyssa’s bag to sit beside her feet and scooted closer so that her head may rest more comfortably on him. They would be at the school soon enough, but for now, Solas would let Elyssa enjoy this rare moment of peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who did not get the reference, it is the 'For Amy' on the painting of twelve sunflowers. It is from the show Doctor Who (the new one) Season 5 Episode 10, "Vincent and the Doctor". If you haven't watched Doctor Who I very highly suggest it. It is an amazing show that will have you invested emotionally from the very first episode and it tells a wonderful story.


	4. Monster (TRIGGER WARNING)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elyssa starts to open up just a little with Solas. (TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR DESCRIPTIONS OF ART DEPICTING SEXUAL ABUSE)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING FOR DESCRIPTIONS OF ART DEPICTING SEXUAL ABUSE!!! 
> 
> This chapter's title was inspired by the song Monster sung by Skillet. I picked this song because the picture Elyssa paints is in fact one of a monster. A very real monster that no one should have to face, but one that too many people - including Elyssa - do every day. Please read, review, and let me know how I'm doing.

“Often called the first of the expressionists, Munch left an indelible mark on the history of art.” The classroom full of students was diligently quiet as Solas finished his lecture on the creator of the famous painting, _The Scream_. It seemed he had captured every one of his students' interest with his lesson on the peculiar artist; everyone’s except Elyssa’s. She had spent the entire class focused on her sketchbook, rarely even looking at him. Solas couldn’t help but wonder if he had done something to upset the young elf. 

In the few weeks that passed, she had come to his classroom every day for lunch. Every day she claimed to have forgotten her lunch. The way she always refused to meet his eyes and spoke so softly about the subject, Solas knew this was not the case. Unsure of how to approach the topic with why she never had lunch, he did the only thing he could think of to help her. He had gotten in the habit of bringing a ham sandwich and piece of fruit for her in addition to his lunch. Elyssa was always hesitant to accept at first but her hunger eventually persuaded her to take the food as well as the tea she seemed to enjoy. 

Once they were past the issue of lunch, they had pleasant conversations in which he had learned her favorite color was blue, she had two younger sisters, she had a cat, of which she preferred to dogs, and she preferred the cool breeze of fall to the humid warmth of summer. Elyssa had also taken to sitting at the desk right in front of his own. Though she had turned it so he could never quite see what she was drawing in the sketchbook she always had, he was happy that she was comfortable enough with him to sit so closely. He enjoyed being able to watch her laugh and smile at the witty banter they exchanged. He found that he also enjoyed the quiet moments when they were both too absorbed in their work to converse. The way her brows furrowed as she concentrated on the paper in front of her spoke volumes of her indomitable focus. He admired the way she didn’t seem to care about the grey smudges of the graphite pencil she used upon the edge of her hand. It was encouraging to see a student take so passionately to art. 

Which was why he found it surprising that his best student had paid so little attention to his lesson. He had thought she in particular would enjoy the lesson on the expressionist. Her previous artwork had been similar before he had confronted her on it. He deeply regretted the approach he had used. The young woman was an enigma of mystery and secrets he wished to unravel. If he wished to find out what troubled the young woman, he needed her to see him as more than just an authority figure. She needed to realize on her own that he wasn’t trying to hurt her, he was trying to help her. 

Solas cleared his mind of the puzzle that was Elyssa. For now, he needed to give the class their assignment for the weekend. “While you’re all home this weekend, I want you to think of the things that make you want to scream. Whether it be homework, needles, or broccoli. It doesn’t matter as long as it's personal. I’ll tell you Monday what we’ll be doing with these things,” Solas noticed Elyssa’s shoulders tense. He had been worried about the dark nature of her previous works. Now here he was, asking her to think of things that make her want to scream. It wasn’t like she knew he had this lesson planned out specifically for All Souls Day before the school year had even officially begun. He must seem very confusing to her. “If there is anyone uncomfortable with this assignment, you may see me after class. We can work out a different project to be done in the spirit of All Soul’s Day.” He focused on the young elven girl sitting in the desk closest to his. She gave no further indication that she wasn’t happy with the assignment. He would just have to wait and see if she approached him about it.

The bell rang, causing the students to hurriedly gather their backpacks and scurry out of the classroom. Solas used the time to erase the whiteboard he had written on during his lecture. Once the class had filed out of the room, Solas turned to look at the one student who had stayed behind. Elyssa stood at his desk with her back to him. Solas approached the other side of his desk slowly. Was she truly uncomfortable with the assignment? Would she let him know why or would it be another mystery he couldn’t solve? 

“Elyssa?” he asked softly. In one word he asked a million questions. Was she okay? Could he help her? Would she let him in her head just a little?

“I wanted to give you this,” she whispered, “I’m sorry if it didn’t seem like I was paying attention today. I just wanted to finish this in time,” In her small hands was a piece of paper from her sketchbook. She held it close to her chest, preventing Solas from seeing its contents. 

“In time for what?” he asked curiously. She extended one of her sleeve covered arms to him, offering him the paper. He turned the paper over to see a drawing of himself. She had captured his likeness perfectly. The slight slant of his eyes, the dimple in his chin, the smooth expansion of his bald head, and the curve of his lips as he smiled. She had drawn him with a warmth that touched his heart more than he cared to admit.

“Happy Birthday, Solas,” her soft voice wrapped around him like a comforting embrace. He looked up at his favorite pupil with appreciation. Her jade green eyes were lit with warmth, her pale skin was kissed with the pink tones of a small blush, her rose petal colored lips were turned up at the corners in a smile. Not only had she remembered his birthday, but she had also hand-drawn a picture of him as a present. 

“This is amazing Elyssa,” he smiled warmly at the young woman, “no one’s ever given me a picture of myself before. Of course, I don’t think anyone can do as well as you have at it either.” He could hear the embarrassed shuffling of her feet at his praise.

“Well… you have a nice smile,” she admitted shyly, “I thought you’d like to see it for yourself,”

“Thank you,” Solas chuckled, an unusual warmth in his cheeks, “that’s very kind of you,”

“Of course,” she said as if she couldn’t believe he hadn’t heard such a compliment. She glanced at the clock on the wall near them. “I have to get going,”

“Before you leave,” he stopped her, “are you okay with this assignment? I’d already had it in my curriculum for All Souls Day… ”

“I’ll complete the assignment as instructed,” she whispered. She left no further room for discussion. Solas watched the young girl exit, worry seething in his stomach.

  
  


Something that made her scream? Several things made Elyssa scream, all worse than the last. Which should she pick? Was it safe to pick any of them? Solas had already seen the hidden depth of her artwork once. Now he was asking for them to draw their fears. Yes, most of her classmates were likely afraid of spiders, needles, or things of that nature. Not her though. She would gladly take something as simple as arachnophobia if it would rid her of the things she _did_ fear. Could she do the assignment honestly without revealing too much to her teacher? Would it be so bad if she did? Could he be the one to help her?

  
  


“Solas?” He looked up from his book to look at the elf that had called his name. Elyssa hadn’t said much since sitting down for lunch. She had accepted the sandwich and tea he offered her with very little hesitation for once. He took that as a positive step in their relationship. Hopefully, with time, she would open up to him.

“Yes?” He was curious as to what she had called his attention for. He was curious about a lot of things involving the young girl. 

“What-are-we-doing-with-the-assignment-from-Friday?” Her words were strung together in a rush to get them out. Solas didn’t understand the question. Her shoulders heaved with deep breaths as if she were having a hard time talking about it.

“I’m sorry, Elyssa,” he apologized, “could you repeat that? Perhaps a little slower and after you take a deep breath or two,” He tried to make his words light and calming. Elyssa did as he suggested, taking two slow, deep breaths before repeating what she had been trying to say.

“Our assignment from Friday - the one where we have to think of things that make us scream - what are we going to be doing with those things?” She asked, her voice breaking slightly.

“You’ll be painting those things in the same style of Munch’s _The Scream_ ,” he answered, “abstract, but very expressive,”

“Will you be the only one seeing these paintings?” Elyssa asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

“Of course,” Solas answered without hesitation, “no one but the artist and I see each project unless I have their permission to share it. I thought I was clear on this when the semester first began,”

“You promise that no one else will see the painting I do?” Elyssa wouldn’t look at him. She toyed with the edges of her long sleeves.

“Elyssa, I promise no one else will see the painting unless you want them to,” He tried to appear confident and comforting for her, but inside his stomach and mind churned with worry. Why was she so worried about who would see her painting? He had never shared artwork without a student's permission before, and he didn’t intend to start now. Was she worried about someone picking on her for whatever she was afraid of? He hoped that his students were more mature than that, but there was always someone that liked to tease the others. “If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here,” he offered gently, “no matter what it is, I’ll listen without judgment, Elyssa.”

She looked up at him with watery eyes and a very small smile. “Thank you, Solas.” The bell for the end of lunch rang and Elyssa was gone before he could ask the questions that were on his mind. For the next few hours, he twisted the puzzle that was his student. She was so full of laughter one moment, then so full of despair the next. She constantly said and did things that surprised him. Would he ever be able to figure her out?

The next few days came and went without any answers. Elyssa never revealed more as to why she asked him such questions. During class she worked diligently, focusing intently on her project. She was very careful not to let anyone see the painting. Whatever she had chosen as a subject, she didn’t want anyone else to know about it. It wasn’t until the day the projects were due that Solas was able to sate his curiosity. She decided to turn in her project during lunch instead of waiting for class. No words were spoken as she hesitantly laid the covered canvas on his desk with a shaking hand.

“Are you sure you don’t want to wait until class to turn it in?” Solas asked, “it’s not technically due until the end of today,”

“It’s done,” was her strained reply. She sat at her desk in front of his. Her entire body was tense, her head turned away from him. It was as if she were afraid of what his reaction would be. Instead of asking about it, he decided to see for himself what scared Elyssa Lavellan.

He removed the cover from the canvas slowly, not wanting to damage the painting. The canvas was covered in the burnt orange color swirled with blue and green similar to that of _The Scream_. For a moment Solas couldn’t tell what the focal point of the painting was. All he noticed at first was a rectangle of dark brown with a small puddle of deep red pooled in the middle. He followed the outline of the rectangle, finding shaky black lines. Slowly he pieced the lines and colors together. Elyssa had painted a bed. A bed that had blood on its brown comforter. Just to the side of the bed was a shadowed figure. It was large and shaped like a man. The figure had no distinguishable features aside from a finger being held to its mouth as if telling someone to keep quiet. 

Solas looked up from the picture to the artist. She still sat rigidly, only the movement of her shoulders indicated her quiet breathing. Her fingers knotted in her sleeves. Her long hair covered her face, and Solas could see the wet evidence of tears upon her desk. “Elyssa?” he called hesitantly. He needed answers. He needed her to tell him he wasn’t seeing what he thought he was. He needed her to bark at him that he was just reading into her artwork again. He needed her to tell him the thing that made her scream wasn’t a man standing over a bed with just a small amount of blood. The small amount that came from a girl losing her innocence. She couldn’t be telling him what he thought she was. A girl her age shouldn’t be afraid of sex or anything pertaining to it. Not unless she had suffered through an experience that was beyond horrible. Solas needed Elyssa to tell him this wasn’t what she meant by this painting. “What is this?” he finally found the courage to ask.

“The thing that makes me scream the most. The thing that scares me the most. The thing that started it all,” she answered bitterly.

“Elyssa what are you trying to say? What started it all? All of what?” Each question came out with a desperate rise in his voice. His heart pounded. He couldn’t catch his breath. This was wrong, all wrong. Elyssa was too good, too marvelous to have gone through what this painting implied. She didn’t deserve that kind of pain. No one deserved that kind of pain, but certainly not this beautifully spirited young girl. 

She opened her mouth to answer at the same moment her cell phone rang. She saw the caller ID, her eyes widening in what could only be described as fear. She immediately answered, not greeting the person on the other end. Solas could hear the loud shrill tone of a woman screaming. Elyssa said nothing, instead, she listened in silence as the woman screamed at her. After a few moments, Elyssa spoke so softly that Solas was sure there was no way the screeching woman could hear. “I’m sorry,” was all Elyssa said. A few more moments of screeching followed, then Elyssa hung up the phone.

“I’m sorry,” Elyssa said again, this time to him, “I have to go.” She said nothing else as she hurried out of the classroom, tears streaming down her face. Solas helplessly watched her run from the room. He was more confused than ever by Elyssa. One thing he knew for certain, he had to help her. He had to help the sad elven girl whose worst fear was a man standing over a bed. And he had to do it soon.


	5. Best I Can

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas seeks some advice and has dinner with an old friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title was brought to you by the song Best I Can, sung by Art of Dying. I picked this song because I feel it describes how Solas feels about his life, that he is doing the best he can. Please Read, Review, and let me know your thoughts.

Solas’ hand shook with hesitation on the handle of Salem’s office door. Elyssa’s painting had raised a lot of questions for him. Too many questions to deal with on his own anymore. He didn’t know anyone better than Salem to go to. She was, after all, the guidance counselor for the senior class. With a heavy sigh, he pushed open the door.

“Solas!” the crimson-haired qunari said in surprise, “what brings you to my office?” Solas looked around the office walls full of pictures of Salem and Bull as well as their adopted son Krem and the other Chargers before settling on Salem.

“I’m having an issue with one of my students. I fear that she’s going through some things I just don’t know how to help her with. I’m at a loss on what to do I’m afraid,” he explained vaguely.

“What makes you think this student is having problems?” Salem put her head in her hands as she listened to his explanations. She didn’t press him for the identity of the student, for which Solas was grateful. Solas couldn’t seem to find quite the right words to tell the woman about Elyssa and her artwork without stating exactly what he had seen. He didn’t tell the horned woman about Elyssa never having lunch, nor did he tell her about the phone call she had received from a screaming woman. How could he tell Salem all these things without telling her about the painting he had promised Elyssa he wouldn’t show to anyone else? He knew he should just show the counselor the painting. It was the responsible thing to do. But he had made a promise and right now he couldn’t bring himself to betray Elyssa’s trust like that. 

“Maybe you should talk to her parents? Tell them you think something is going on with her here at school,” she suggested after he had finished talking. 

“I have been meaning to talk to them about the upcoming art show I would like her to enter,” he thought aloud. 

“So you can speak with them on that as well,” she smiled at having seemingly solved his problem.

“Thank you Salem,” he nodded to the woman.

“Of course,” She smiled kindly at him, “you know you’d be lost without me,” 

“We all would,” Solas laughed with her.

“Naturally,” she chuckled, “now go teach, or whatever it is you do. I’m tired of seeing eggs in my office,” The sparkle in her mercury eyes let Solas know that she was teasing, as was her usual way with him. 

“I will see you and Iron Bull tonight?” he asked with a smile.

“What are you, new?” Salem laughed, “you’ve been coming over every Friday after the games for dinner since we began teaching here,”

“I know, but there is no harm in reassurance,” Solas said.

“You’re bringing dessert right?” Salem asked with a childish spin of her chair.

“Don’t I always?” Solas chuckled. Salem did a good job of distracting him, but Solas couldn’t get Elyssa off his mind. Every minute that had passed since she had left earlier that day found Solas growing more and more worried. Who had been that woman screaming at her on the phone? Why did she have to go? More importantly, what did her painting and her words before she left mean?

When he pulled into the driveway of the Adaar home, Solas decided to try to put Elyssa out of his mind for the course of dinner. He couldn’t understand why he hadn’t been able to get her out of his mind since the trip to the Van Gogh exhibit. It seemed every day the only thing he thought about was Elyssa Lavellan and how to make her smile. How to keep the tingling of bells her laughter resembled to continuously play in his ears. How much beauty and talent she displayed every day during lunch when she focused diligently on her art. What was it about her that drew him in? Was it her artistic ability that rivaled his own? Was it the strength he saw hidden in her green depths? Was it the way her eyes crinkled and dimples showed as she laughed? Or was it how easy he found it was to talk to her? She had shown wisdom beyond her years, making him feel as though he were talking to someone his age rather than someone ten years younger than him.

A small sigh escaped him. This was not casting Elyssa from his mind. With determination, he grabbed the platter of small frilly cakes he had prepared and got out of the car. Salem met him at the door, a welcoming smile on her face. She took the tray from him and walked into the kitchen. Solas stepped into the house that had become like a second home to him. He had been friends with Salem since his early days of high school, and Iron Bull since they met in college. It had been a lucky circumstance they all got hired on together at the same school. Working together only strengthened their friendship, as they all became each other’s support system. Solas attended all of the football games in support of Iron Bull and his Chargers. Salem often helped Solas grade papers after dinner on Fridays. Solas had been there for both Bull and Salem when they found and adopted Krem. In turn, they had both been there for him when things had gotten bad, and eventually ended, with Andruil. He didn't know where he would be now without the support of his friends.

"Solas!" Bull yelled enthusiastically from the living room as if he hadn't just seen him at work. "How are things going with that little elven girl that drew you that picture?"

“What do you mean ‘how are things going,?” Solas asked the large man.

“I mean have you gotten anywhere with her?” Bull winked his good eye at him, a wide grin on his face.

Neither Solas nor Bull saw the whirling motion of the wooden spoon flying through the air until it had hit in the middle of Bull’s upturned horns. The crack of wood against hard flesh echoed throughout the room. Solas turned to see a frowning Salem standing in the archway that connected the living room to the kitchen. “That ‘little elven girl’ is a student and at least ten years younger than Solas,” she chastised.

“Ten years and five months to be precise. Her birthday is in March,” Solas corrected, "though she does seem wise beyond her years." He had meant to give evidence to Salem's argument. Even, if he had the desire to pursue Elyssa, there were several reasons why she was off-limits. Her age was just one of many.

Salem turned a suspicious eye to Solas. “And you know this why?”

“It came up in conversation during lunch a few weeks ago,” Solas answered evasively.

“So she has ‘lunch’ with you, eh?” Bull dug his elbow playfully into Solas’s shoulder. Solas shuffled his feet awkwardly. Elyssa did indeed have lunch with him, but not in the manner Iron Bull was implying. 

Salem walked seemingly calm towards Iron Bull. With a loving smile, Bull held his arm out for an embrace. Instead of walking into her husband’s arms, Salem walked just past him to where the spoon had fallen onto the floor after she had thrown it. Her movements were nearly invisible from the moment she stopped walking to the point another loud crack of wood against Bull’s head sounded around them. “She is a student!”

“She won’t be a student forever,” Bull said.

“There’s still the matter of her being ten years and apparently five months younger,” She pointed out with a huff.

“And when did age stop us,” Bull pointed out with a booming laugh. Salem couldn’t argue that point since at thirty-seven, Iron Bull was seven years her senior.

“I wasn’t your student though,” she said triumphantly.

“That’s what you think, Kadan,” Iron Bull argued suggestively, “but I’ve made quite the student of you in the bedroom,” He dragged his wife into his embrace, not seeming to care that company was present as he kissed her lewdly.

“Ugh, guys what have I told you about not getting naked in the more public areas of the house?” the baritone voice of Krem scolded as he walked into the room.

“We still have clothes on,” Salem informed her son.

“For now,” Bull tacked in with a wink to his wife. Solas laughed with the small family. Not a day went by that they didn’t interact happily. Most days, Solas never minded the near teenage-like way Salem and Bull acted together. Today, however, he felt an ache in his chest watching the two qunari interact. The caring way Iron Bull looked down at Salem and the way she stared up at him with adoration stirred the longing Solas had for something similar. There was a time Solas had once thought he had something similar to that dream. It had turned out to be nothing more than a nightmare. 

He envied the easy dynamic they had with Krem as well. He had once thought fatherhood was an option for him. Andruil had ended that delusion rather quickly. Bitterness foamed in Solas's mouth at the memory of the events that had transpired between them, the cruelty that was Andruil. He had thought getting away from her would free him from the pain and suffering she had bestowed upon him. It had been years, and still he shied away from the thoughts of being with someone that way again. Of giving someone else the power to break his heart more than it already had been. No, he had been down that road before. Never again would someone be able to hurt him the way Andruil had.

He turned his thoughts away from more serious issues for the course of dinner. There was nothing he could do at the present moment for Elyssa, and Andruil was a subject he had long since laid to rest. He enjoyed the pleasant atmosphere Bull and his family radiated. The meal Salem prepared was delicious as usual, though he always favored dessert. It wasn't until after he had helped Salem clear the table that his thoughts were brought back to less pleasant subjects.

"Solas, do you think you're ever going to date again?" Salem asked as they sat in two lounge chairs in the living room. Bull and Krem were absorbed in their playbook for the upcoming football game. Salem was helping him grade this week's projects. He had carefully hidden Elyssa’s so it would remain unseen by anyone aside from him. Salem took a swig of her wine as she waited for him to answer. 

"I've dated plenty of women since then," Solas grumbled. He remembered the months after he and Andruil ended when all he had were casual dalliances. He never spent more than a night with a woman and always a different woman. His playboy actions had earned him the title ‘Dread Wolf’ with the women who had come to know him and those who wished they could tame the beast. He didn't mind the name, but he eventually grew tired of the game. Of falling in and out of bed with strangers, never feeling anything more than temporary satisfaction.

Salem narrowed her mercury grey eyes at the elf, "I mean seriously dated, Solas," she clarified, "not just tumbled in and out of bed with,"

"That is a question I ask myself often," Solas responded, "but I couldn't say for certain what the answer would be," 

"You can't let her continue to control your life Solas," Salem sighed.

"Salem, I understand you have some experience in this area," Solas sighed irritably, "but I would appreciate it if you kept your remarks about who, or who is not, controlling my life to yourself," 

"Solas you may not want to hear it," Salem growled to her friend, "but you are indeed still letting that bitch control your life and sooner or later you're going to have to move on!" 

"I will do so in my own time," Solas huffed, "now, if you'll excuse me, it's gotten rather later and I think it's best I head home now."

As Solas stood he was wrapped into the arms of the female qunari. He softened slightly at his friend's comforting embrace. He knew she was just looking out for him, as she always had been. He wished it were as simple as taking her advice, but opening his heart to the chance of getting broken again was not proving that easy a task


	6. Not Alone (TRIGGER WARNING)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elyssa runs into Solas on a walk (TRIGGER WARNING FOR DESCRIPTIONS OF SELF-HARM)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING FOR DESCRIPTIONS OF SELF-HARM!!!  
> This chapter's title was inspired by the song Not Alone sung by Red. This song was fitting because not only is its title Not Alone but the song itself describes the singer being there for someone, that that person is not alone and they can lean on them whenever they need to. Very much how Solas is feeling towards Elyssa at this point in time. Please Read, Review, and let me know What you think

Small puffs of air swirled around Elyssa as she walked briskly away from her house. The temperature was dropping now that fall was well underway. She wished she had grabbed a jacket before she had run out of the house, but it was too late to turn back for one now. She needed time, a moment to think away from everything there. She walked with no sense of direction, no care for where she was going as long as it was away. With a hard thud, her walk came to an abrupt halt. In her lack of awareness of her surroundings, she had run into someone. “I’m so sorr… ” she began apologizing before she saw who it was she had run into. The pale blue eyes with hidden grey specks could belong to none other than her art teacher. “H-hi Solas,” she stammered with a shuffle of her feet.

“Elyssa, how are you?” His tone was heavy with worry. Her chest ached at the sound of it. No one had sounded so concerned for her before.

“You mean after that fiasco at lunch today?” she chuckled, though even she could tell it sounded forced. 

“You weren’t in class after that,” his tone wasn’t angry, but filled with concern. As her teacher, he should have been angry that she missed his class. Yet he wasn’t. His blue eyes bore kindly into hers, the corners of his mouth were turned into a small welcoming smile. He looked like someone who wanted to help her. Could she trust him to help her? 

“Yeah… my mom… she needed me home,” she answered vaguely, “I had forgotten before she called,”

“That was your mother that called you?” Solas sounded surprised. Elyssa had hoped he hadn’t been able to hear her. It seemed that was not the case.

“Yeah,” she nodded, “As I said, I had forgotten she needed me at home,” She avoided meeting his gorgeous blue eyes. She couldn’t see the gentle kindness there and not break down. She wanted so badly to tell someone, to let someone help her shoulder the burden, but she couldn’t do that to Solas. He deserved better. 

A cold breeze caused her to shiver, a movement that didn’t go unnoticed by Solas. “Elyssa, would you like to come inside for a moment? You seem rather cold,” Elyssa looked at the small house he pointed at. She never realized Solas lived so close to her. That explained why she had run into him on her street. She began to reject his offer when another shiver ran through her. She pressed her arms harder against her sides, hoping to retain some amount of heat.

“Just for a moment,” Solas insisted, “At least let me get you a jacket.” 

“Okay,” Elyssa agreed quietly. Solas gave her a smile of approval and led her inside. The door led to a cozy living room complete with a small fireplace. The warm beige walls were offset by a dark brown sectional couch and coffee table. It was warm and inviting, something Elyssa wasn’t used to. 

“Have a seat,” Solas instructed, “I’ll make you some tea,” Elyssa did as she was told and sat on the edge of the couch. Solas left through a small entryway to rummage through the kitchen for the supplies he needed.

“Why do you have tea if you hate it so much?” she called to the elven man opening and closing various cupboards loudly.

“How do you know I detest the stuff?” he called back in surprised amusement. 

“You always give me your tea packets at lunch,” she answered, “plus, you make a weird face when I’m drinking it that you think I don’t notice.” The memory of how kind he had been in giving her a place other than the girl’s bathroom to spend her lunch hour in, as well as always bringing her food, brought a smile to her face. This kind, gentle man treated her with so much compassion when he didn’t have to. He could have easily forced her to go into the cafeteria but he didn’t. He could have saved his lunch for himself, yet he continued to bring her at least a sandwich to eat day after day. She wondered, would he still be as kind to her if he knew the truth? Or would he treat her like everyone else did? 

Solas entered with a warmed mug of tea for her. “I have tea because Josephine insisted that I would like it if I only gave it a decent chance. I am simply too polite to deny her.” She held out her arm to accept the cup from him, not thinking that she was wearing a tank top. She heard the gasp from him and knew it was too late to regret not wearing long sleeves. She had been getting ready for bed. She hadn’t intended to go for a walk. At the time, all she was thinking was that she needed to get out of there. It’s why she had just put her blue jeans back on and left. Now he was seeing her arms for the first time. Seeing the marks, scars, and blood that was still there from before she had left the house.

“Elyssa… your arms,” he said with his mouth agape, “why?” It was such a small question, just one word. But it held so much tension. He knew what the perfectly straight, horizontal lines up and down her forearms were from. He was intelligent after all, of course, he would know. She hesitantly looked up at him, expecting to see the hardened gaze of disgust. It was what she was used to when people saw her arms, saw what she did to herself. Instead, they shone with nothing but concern, worry, and care for her.

She turned her head away in shame. She couldn’t bear such a caring gaze. Here she was, the one with the disgusting scars on her arms. Yet there he stood, concerned for her like she didn’t deserve them. How could she explain it to him? How could she make him see what went on inside her head? How could she make him see that they were there for a reason? That she deserved the pain? That she needed it?

“I don’t know how to explain it,” she answered honestly. 

He set the cup of tea on the coffee table beside her. Kneeling in front of her, he tentatively took her hands in his. “Please try?” he begged quietly.

“It’s like, I have all this pain inside, you know?” she began with a soft sigh, “and all that pain has to come out somehow, right?” She felt the comforting circular motion of Solas’s thumbs rubbing her palms. “I’ve seen so much, been through so much. And sometimes, it doesn’t feel like I’m really here. Like all of those things can happen to one person? It’s like I can’t feel anything except the pain,”

“The pain reminds you that you’re real?” Solas’ voice was barely above a whisper, yet his words rang through her loudly. She couldn’t help the tears that began spilling from her eyes. Someone finally got it. Someone finally seemed to understand just a little bit of what was going through her head. No one had ever even tried to understand before. Her parents just yelled at her, telling her how shameful it was. Her boyfriend either acted like he couldn’t see the marks or as if they depreciated the value of her. Both made her feel more alone.

She nodded her head as the tears streamed down her cheeks. Solas pulled her down into his lap on the floor. Normally, she wouldn’t let someone get so close to her. But Solas made her feel safe. He made her feel cared for. She didn’t want this feeling to go away, but she knew it would. There was no way someone like Solas could care for her once he learned the truth about her past. For now, though, she would enjoy these feelings. She buried her head in the soft material of his sweater and let herself cry and be held in the arms of another for the first time.

* * *

Solas held Elyssa tightly as she sobbed out her anger and pain. He’d never seen self-inflicted cuts on someone before. The inside of her forearms had been covered in semi-deep gashes, some new and some old. He couldn’t imagine the horrors she had been through that had driven her to such lengths. How could a woman so young have been through so much already? Deep down, something growled at him to protect her. To keep her from having to go through this ever again. 

When her sobs finally quieted, he turned her to look at him. “Elyssa, will you please try not to do this again?” He took her slender face in his hands, gently forcing her to look at him. “You don’t deserve this, despite what you might think,” He could see on her face that no one had told her that before. Why had no one told her that? In the time he had gotten to know her, he had seen that she possessed a rare and marvelous spirit. She was smart, witty, funny, dedicated and full of such strength. She had been shouldering this burden alone, but no longer. He would do what he had to and make sure she would never have to suffer alone again.

He gently slid Elyssa from his lap and stood up. He removed the sweater he had been wearing over a muscle shirt. Kneeling once more beside the troubled elf, he offered the sweater to her. “So you won’t be so cold going home,” he gave her half a smile.

“Thank you, Solas,” she said as she put the sweater on. Standing up, the sweater fell to mid-thigh on her and the sleeves extended far past her fingertips. Once she got the sweater situated, he offered her a piece of folded up paper from a nearby notepad. “what’s this?”

“It’s my number,” he answered seriously, “call or text me if you ever need anything. If you need someone to talk to, a ride, whatever, you let me know,” Elyssa avoided his gaze like she wasn’t sure if he was telling the truth. His eyes bore deeply into her. “You don’t have to do this alone.” 

With a soft sigh, Elyssa threw her arms around him in a warm embrace. “Thank you.” Solas hugged her close to him, taking comfort in her embrace as much as she was in his. This girl, so full of light, of passion, and determination, awoke so many feelings inside him. Feelings he had long believed were buried past the point of resurfacing. He understood, finally, why he hadn’t been able to get Elyssa Lavellan out of his mind since he had begun getting to know her. He understood with painstaking clarity that everything he was looking for was right here, in this young girl full of wisdom and strength beyond her age. Full of laughter despite the sorrow she held within her. Full of beauty and compassion. Everything he wanted, but nothing he could have. He knew he could never act on those feelings. Nothing could happen between him and Elyssa, but he could help her; he  _ would _ help her.


	7. Rude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas meets with Elyssa's parents

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title was inspired by the song Rude sung by MAGIC! I know the song is about a man asking his lover's father for permission to marry her, but I felt this song was fitting because - while it may not be her father denying marital permission - it is still her parent being rude. Please read, review, and follow!

Solas stared at the two elves sitting across from him. The woman had the same square-shaped face and small pointed nose as Elyssa, as well as the same ashen white hair. The man sitting beside her shared no physical features with Elyssa. It was easy to see where Elyssa had gotten her physical features, but neither of her parents had the small dimples that Elyssa did when she smiled. Neither of them smiled at all. They looked at him with hard eyes, their mouths set in identical tense lines of disapproval. He hadn't said much about why he wanted to meet with them because he hadn't wanted to alarm them over the phone. He figured it would be better to meet with them in person to discuss Elyssa's art, both for the upcoming competition he wanted her to join as well as the nature of it.

"Thank you for agreeing to meet with me," he began, "I'm Solas Wolfe, your daughter's art teacher," He extended a hand first to Elyssa's father and then to her mother. Neither of them shook it. He pulled his hand back to his side, the air thick with awkward tension.

"Mr. Wolfe, why are we here?" her mother asked with an irritated huff.

"You were quite vague about the nature of this meeting on the phone," the man beside her commented, his tone significantly less snappy than his wife's.

"Well, Mrs. Lavellan, I wanted to meet with you because…"

"It's Alerion," the woman interrupted him haughtily.

"Excuse me?" Solas asked, confused.

"Our last name is Alerion," she answered with a glare. It seemed she expected Solas to have known that though there was no way he could have.

"I apologize, Mrs. Alerion," he corrected with a sigh, "It was wrong of me to assume your last name was the same as your daughter's," He couldn't help the bitter edge his tone had taken at the woman's rudeness.

"Yes, well, now you know," she remarked. Her husband said nothing about his wife's attitude. Instead, he avoided looking at either of them throughout the exchange.

"Anyway, Mrs. Alerion," Solas got back to the important matter at hand, Elyssa. "I called you here because I wished to speak with you regarding your daughter's art,"

"What did she do now?" the woman practically growled. Her eyebrows furrowed and her thin mouth turned down into a hard grimace.

"Nothing she wasn't assigned to," Solas answered vaguely. The way she reacted to Solas mentioning Elyssa's art didn't bode well with him. "She is one of my best students," he threw the compliment at the woman with a glare. Hopefully, she wouldn't be so hostile if she knew Elyssa was an excellent student.

"I find that hard to believe," Mrs. Alerion scoffed, "you're sure you have the right girl?"

"Yes, Mrs. Alerion, I am," Solas bit back the anger that was beginning to boil in his chest. He took a breath to calm himself before responding to her insensitive remark. From what he understood from all of Elyssa's teachers, she was an excellent student. She had excellent grades in all of her classes and never gave them any trouble. So why would her mother think he had the wrong student?

"If you say so," she rolled her large brown eyes. Heat rose further in Solas's chest. This woman was being disrespectful not only to him but to her daughter as well and he didn't care for it. He couldn't, however, insult a student's parents. So he bit back a harsh retort and tried once more to get out what he had called them to his classroom for.

"Your daughter is incredibly talented," he began again, "and in a few months, there will be a Music and Art competition being held. The reward for winning the arts portion of the competition is a full scholarship to one of the nation's best colleges that has an excellent art program,"

"What does this have to do with Elyssa?" Mr. Alerion asked, confused. He didn't hold the same menace in his voice his wife did. He seemed genuinely curious about what the competition had to do with his daughter.

Solas turned with relief to answer the man, "I want her to enter the competition. I have every faith that she could win," he answered proudly.

"What does entering some ridiculous art show have to do with us being here now?" Mrs. Alerion asked with obvious distaste. She looked down at her nails and lazily picked at nonexistent dirt, her expression clearly saying that she would rather be anywhere but sitting here talking to him.

With substantial effort, Solas answered the woman politely, "Elyssa will need parental permission to attend the competition as the location for it requires a bus ride there as well as a weekend stay, as the competition is taking place over a few days,"

"So you want me to allow my daughter to go galavanting to Maker-knows where, and stay overnight for some silly drawing?" the elven woman asked incredulously.

"No, Mrs. Alerion," Solas huffed, "I want you to allow your daughter to attend a competition that could award her with a scholarship to attend one of the best colleges in the nation. An opportunity any senior should be grateful to have,"

"Why would we trust her to go to some unknown place without us?" Mr. Alerion questioned.

"Mr. Alerion, you'd be more than welcome to attend as well," Solas sighed, "I encourage it,"

"We have no interest in wasting our time at some silly art show," Elyssa's mother dismissed him. "Besides, I highly doubt Elyssa will be attending college,"

"Elyssa is an extremely smart and talented young woman," Solas defended his pupil, "she would excel in college,"

"She wouldn't last one semester before she dropped out," the woman scoffed, "and that's if she doesn't end up pregnant by some random frat boy first," Solas stood abruptly in anger, his chair falling to the floor loudly. He looked incredulously at the woman. Her husband next to her looked flabbergasted at his wife's comment.

"Mrs. Alerion, I don't like what you're implying about Elyssa," he growled. He braced his hands on the desk in front of him, his knuckles turning white with the strength of his grip.

"You don't have to like it, Mr. Wolfe," she shot back, "Elyssa is not your responsibility, she's mine until she turns 18 unfortunately. I don't care what she does after that, but while she is my responsibility and living under my roof, she won't be attending some useless competition. So you can forget about it." She stood up and turned to her husband. "Let's go," she ordered the man, "this was a waste of time." She gathered her large purse and waited for the man to stand as well. "I understand you're just doing your job," she sighed, "but your efforts are wasted on a girl like Elyssa." With that last comment, the cruel woman and her husband left Solas's classroom.

* * *

"Salem, that was terrible advice!" Solas exclaimed, storming into the qunari's office. "I met with that student's parents," he explained, "and not only were they the rudest beings I have ever met, but they also couldn't care less about their daughter!"

Iron Bull, Salem, and Krem turned to look at the elf that had just burst into Salem's office. Solas had been so upset with Elyssa's parents that he hadn't even checked to see if Salem was available before seeking her council.

"I'll… uh… let you deal with whatever _this_ is, Kadan," Bull offered with a wave of his large hand at the art teacher.

"Thank you," Salem smiled fondly at her husband.

"Come on, Krem de la Krem," Bull threw his arm around the human boy, "let's go show the rest of the Chargers how a real man takes down his opponent." Together, father and son exited the office in laughter. Salem waited until the door closed behind them to focus on the elf in the room.

"Okay, Solas, start from the beginning," she ordered. Her liquid mercury eyes met his with a question, "Who is the student?"

"Elyssa Lavellan," he answered with a sigh. He took a seat across from the counselor.

"You're going to have to explain exactly what led you to believe she needed help," Salem said, "and don't be so vague this time."

Salem listened attentively while Solas explained in better detail what he knew of Elyssa and her artwork, save for the most recent. He told her of his encounter with Elyssa outside his home and the marks on her arms. The corners of Salem's mouth turned downwards as he continued. When he was finally finished, Salem glared harshly at him. "And the thought never crossed your mind that perhaps these were things that should have been explained the first time you sought my counsel?" Her voice was tight, strained as she refrained from yelling at him.

"I thought it best Elyssa remained unnamed at the time," Solas defended, "I didn't want her to be under a microscope, so to speak,"

"You didn't want her to be under one or you didn't want _you_ to be under one, Solas?" Salem asked. Solas raised an eyebrow in question at her. "Solas, you care about her don't you?" she asked with a surprised but heavy sigh.

"She is one of my students," Solas answered, "of course I would develop some level of attachment,"

"Don't pull that shit with me, Solas," Salem threatened him with a slam of her palm on the wood of her desk, "I've known you for years. I know that you wouldn't be so angry with her parents, nor would you be taking risks such as inviting her into your house if you didn't care for her,"

"Salem… I," Solas struggled for words, a way to admit or deny the feelings he had for Elyssa.

"Don't, Solas," Salem ordered, "I know how hard this must be for you," She took a deep breath. "Solas, in all the time I've known you, no one has been able to penetrate the walls you put around your heart. Not since Andruil." Solas looked away from Salem so she didn't see the resentment and anger at those memories on his face. "Now you've found someone that has, whether you want to admit it or not. I'm not saying you should pursue it. In fact, I should be discouraging it, but you're my friend and I want you to be happy,"

"That's very kind of you Salem," Solas offered a half-smile to the woman.

"Just please, for the love of the Maker, do the right thing and wait for her to be out of school?!" Salem ordered.

"You don't have anything to worry about," Solas assured her, "I don't find it to be a likely occurrence that Elyssa would happen to desire being with someone ten years her senior,"

"I wouldn't be so sure," Salem commented knowingly, "I've seen the way she looks at you in the halls."

"Regardless, it wouldn't be right for me to take advantage of her right now. She's beginning to open up to me so I can help her. That alone shall be my focus," Solas decided, "whatever may come from that will be an issue dealt with at a later time,"

"Glad to hear it," Salem arose gracefully from her seat. She walked around her desk to stand in front of Solas, a clipboard in her hands. Suddenly and without warning, Solas was greeted with the sharp pain of the board against his bare head. "That's for being idiotic and being so vague the first time," she grinned wickedly at him. Solas let out a short burst of laughter. Only the wife of Iron Bull would pull such a stunt and live to talk about it.

"I assure you, I shall not be so feebleminded again," he reassured Salem.

"You better not," Salem spoke with authority, "now get out of my office and go be productive elsewhere." She waved her large grey hand in dismissal. Solas did as his friend instructed. Now that he knew Elyssa's parents would be of no help, he needed to figure out where to go from here.


	8. Waiting For Superman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elyssa gets left at school leading to a moment with Solas and maybe some answers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title was named after the song Waiting For Superman sung by Daughtry. I picked this song because it talks about a girl waiting for her superman, her prince to come and sweep her off her feet. This is very much how Elyssa is feeling with her relationship with Anders, or her life in general. Please read, review, and let me know what you think. Kudos if you get the reference!

Solas looked out over the classroom full of students from his desk. Each student was working diligently in their sketchbooks on their latest project. His attention was focused on Elyssa. He desperately wanted to speak with her. He had so many questions he hadn’t been able to ask since the  _ Scream _ project. However, the chance to speak with her hadn’t arisen. He hadn’t been alone with her since the evening at his house. He’d given Elyssa his phone number in hopes that she would contact him that weekend but she hadn’t. He’d had the meeting with her parents the following Monday during lunch so he hadn’t been able to speak with her then. Solas had expected Elyssa to come to his class for lunch the following day but she hadn’t shown. Nor had she any other day during the week. It had been a full three weeks since Elyssa had turned in the  _ Scream _ project, and Solas was no closer to figuring out what it meant or how to help her. 

When the bell rang to signal the end of the school week, all the students rushed out of the classroom, including Elyssa. She seemed in a hurry to leave school for once. Solas’s chest ached with the knowledge that Elyssa was so eager to flee his presence. What had he done wrong? When the final student left and the door swung to a close, Solas rose from his desk. It was Friday, the day of the homecoming football game. He needed to go meet Salem and Bull at the football field to help them prepare. He scanned the room, checking to see if anyone had left anything behind, and his attention was drawn to a small black hardcover book on one of the student’s desks. He retrieved the book and opened it, intending to see to whom it belonged. What he saw was a picture of himself he knew to be Elyssa’s handiwork. She was the only one in the class with the level of skill to be able to draw a detailed face such as the one he was looking at now. The picture was drawn with a light, warm feel of something the creator found aesthetically pleasing. The pain that ached in his chest earlier was eased with each picture Solas found of himself in her sketchbook. Maybe he hadn’t done anything as wrong as he had thought. He sat down at his desk with the book. He intended to wait a short time for the parking lot to clear and enjoy the treasure he had found.

* * *

Elyssa rushed excitedly through the double doors leading to the parking lot. Anders was supposed to pick her up today from school. She’d hardly seen him since he went away to college a few months ago. He hadn’t gone too far, but he’d claimed he was too busy to come home on the weekends like he promised her he would before he left. Elyssa rarely commented on the fact that his social media was filled with pictures of him at some party or another, with Justice and plenty of other women around. Anytime she did, he would brush it off as something that didn’t matter or didn’t have time to discuss. Elyssa worried that she was being too paranoid and possessive. Guys partied while they were in college, right? It didn’t mean anything. Still, she couldn’t silence the voice in the back of her mind that told her he was already lying to her about why he wasn’t coming home, so what else was he lying about?

As she looked out amongst the sea of vehicles parked in the lot, she didn’t see the familiar old blue Civic that Anders drove. A long procession of various cars and trucks of both students and teachers leaving to get ready for the homecoming game had formed around the building.  _ He must be stuck in the line _ , she thought to herself. She waited with fading hope until the line had dwindled to a few stragglers. When the lot was cleared of every vehicle except a small powder blue Prius, Elyssa gave up hope. With a huff, she snatched her cellphone out of the pocket of her jeans and dialed Anders’ number. She wasn’t surprised when he didn’t answer until 13 calls later. It wasn’t unusual for him to ignore her calls until he realized she wasn’t going to stop calling. Elyssa knew this annoyed him to no end, but how else was she supposed to get him to talk to her?

" _What do you need?"_ his baritone voice snapped from her receiver.

"What do you mean, 'what do I need?'" she asked irritably, "where are you, Anders?"

" _What do_ you _mean?"_ he spat back, sounding confused. Had he forgotten he was supposed to pick her up? Had he forgotten what this weekend was? He was supposed to come home so they could go to her homecoming dance together.

"You were supposed to pick me up today," she tried to explain calmly. She couldn't help the sharp pain in her chest. Was she so easy to forget? Did she matter so little?

Elyssa heard him sigh deeply. She knew she wasn't fixing to like what followed. He always sighed like that before launching into an irritated rant with her. " _Elyssa, why do you always do this?"_

"Do what?" she asked, flabbergasted. What had she done?

" _Get mad at me for things I can't help?"_ he answered, " _You know I'm busy at college, yet you always insist I be there for you like I'm not,"_

"Anders, you were the one that suggested picking me up!" she argued, "How is that depending on you?"

" _You know life in college is unpredictable!"_ he exclaimed, " _You should have had a backup plan. You're so irresponsible!"_

Anger and hurt burned through Elyssa's veins. He was the one who left her to walk home without so much as a call, and he dared to tell her _she_ was the irresponsible one? "Is that what all of those girls in your pictures on Fadebook are?" she asked with a low bitter voice, "Your 'backup plans?'"

" _Are you serious right now?"_ Anders growled, " _I don't have time to deal with you and your insecurities."_

"It's not insecurities when this is the fifth weekend in a row that you decided not to come home without so much as a call!" Elyssa's voice rose along with her temper, "Yet every weekend so far, you or Justice post pictures of you at some party with random chics hanging on you!"

" _Do you ever think that maybe I don't come home because it would just be easier to stay away than be with someone so damaged and hard to deal with?"_ Elyssa's breath caught in her throat. Her heart froze in her chest, and she couldn't find her voice to say words she couldn't even think of. She was blank and numb, just like she always was when he brought that up. He was right of course, she was damaged goods and it wasn't fair to expect him to deal with that when he could have better.

"I'm sorry," her voice sounded weak and cracked in her ears. Moisture pooled in her eyes. She hated it when he said that. She hated it when he used something she'd had no control over against her. She hated herself even more for it being true. She was - and always would be - damaged goods. Nothing and no one would ever change that.

" _It's okay,"_ he sighed soothingly, " _just try to remember that I'm still with you despite that,"_

Elyssa nodded though she knew he couldn't see it. Nor could he see the tears that spilled onto her cheeks. " _Look, I promise I'll make it home by Autumn break, okay?"_

"Okay," she murmured.

" _Okay, I'll see you then. Love you."_ Anders said.

"Yeah. Love you too," she whispered. He hung up before she could say anything more. Elyssa started with a vacant expression at her cell phone. How could someone that claimed to love her throw something they knew hurt her in her face? Elyssa felt like Anders didn't love her at all. She couldn't blame him though. How could anyone love such a broken girl?

* * *

Solas had lost track of time looking through all of Elyssa's sketches. He was fascinated by the depth of emotion put into each piece. Elyssa's projects for the class had begun to lack that since he had confronted her on it all those weeks ago. Aside from the _Scream_ project, her assignments had felt stiff and forced. He missed the way she had freely expressed herself. Even though the art had been dark, it had been _real_. Regret like an angry wolf gnawed at his gut. He shouldn't have confronted her the way that he did.

Solas didn't notice how long he had been sifting through the book until he had seen all the sketches and glanced at his clock. He hastily gathered his things, slipping the small black book into his bag, and rushed out the door. He bounded through the double doors that led to the parking lot and stopped immediately in his tracks. Elyssa stood with her back turned slightly to the doors, her cell phone pressed to her ear. Her voice was low and full of bitterness and pain as she argued with whoever was on the line. He could see just enough of her face to tell that she was far from pleased.

"Is that what all of those girls in your pictures on Fadebook are? Your backup plans?" Solas took a few steps forward, his initial instinct being to protect her from the pain he heard in her voice. But he couldn't. It wasn't his place. He was her teacher, not her boyfriend and from the sounds of it, her boyfriend was who she was speaking to now. "It's not insecurities when this is the fifth weekend in a row that you decided not to come home without so much as a call! Yet every weekend so far, you or Justice post pictures of you at some party with random chics hanging on you!"

Solas stared at the young woman lashing out in anger. It didn't sound like she was happy with the person on the other end of the call. From what he could hear, it sounded as if she had every reason to be. Pride flowed through him at the fierce strength Elyssa was showing now. She stood firmly, the hard set look of determination on her face. Then, as if someone had died right in front of her, her expression turned cold. Her beautiful green eyes gazed unseeing into the distance. The soft curves of her lips fell open in a moment of shock, and her alabaster skin turned pale in horror. She looked as if she'd seen a ghost - a terrible ghost she couldn't escape from. "I'm sorry," she whispered. Solas could hear the tears in her voice. A fierce heat burned inside him as he saw the moisture trail down her cheeks. "Yeah. Love you too." She didn't sound like a girl who was in love. She sounded like a broken woman saying those words out of obligation and habit. Protective anger clawed at him. He didn't know who it was that was making her sound so sad and defeated, but when he did there would be hell to pay. For now, he would do the only thing he could and try to comfort her.

* * *

Elyssa didn't hear the footsteps approaching softly behind her. She was so lost in the numbing pain of what Anders had said. "Elyssa?" That soothing Ferelden accent could only belong to one person - the last person she wanted to see her crying yet again. That would only lead to more questions she just didn't have the strength to answer right now. Quickly, she tried to wipe away the evidence of her tears. She could tell when she turned to face him that it hadn't worked.

"Hello Solas," she forced the corners of her lips to turn up in an attempt at a smile.

"What are you still doing here? Are you all right?" Solas asked her, "You rushed out of the classroom so quickly earlier, I had assumed you would be one of the first students to leave," There was a slight edge to his tone almost as if her actions had upset him somehow. That couldn't be right, Solas had no reason to be upset at her leaving with the usual hastiness that most students had at the end of the school day on a Friday, especially homecoming Friday. No, she must be imagining that there was more than teacherly concern in his deep voice.

"I seem to have lost my ride," she choked out a laugh, trying to brush it off. She didn't want to tell Solas how or why she had no ride home. She just wanted to crawl under a rock and hide from him and the questions she still hadn't answered for him. "It's fine," she sighed, "a little walk never hurt anyone."

"I could give you a ride home if you'd prefer?" he suggested.

"In what?" Elyssa asked with a snort. "The only vehicle here is that baby blue Prius," One of Solas's eyebrows rose and the corners of his pink lips turned upward. Elyssa looked between the suave figure of her art teacher and the light blue car sitting in the lot, piecing together what he was saying. "No way!" she genuinely laughed, " _That's_ your car?"

Solas chuckled with her and nodded. "Yes," he answered with no shame, "a Prius is a practical and reliable car,"

"Yes but a _blue_ one?" Elyssa teased, "Isn't that a little feminine?"

"What can I say?" Solas grinned wider, "It matches my eyes," He batted his long lashes for emphasis.

"Someone has no issues with his masculinity," Elyssa commented.

"I assure you, da'len, that my masculinity is quite secure. I can assure you of that." Elyssa's breath caught in her throat and her heart drummed loudly in her chest at his playful suggestion. She knew he was just joking with her as she had just been with him. She knew it, yet she couldn't help but get drawn in by the smoldering look of his grey flecked blue eyes. The curve of his playful smirk drew too much of her attention to how soft and full his lips looked. To how his bottom lip pouted out just a little more than the top one in a way that filled her head with thoughts of how the shape of lips would feel molded with hers. Anders was always so distant, gone, even when they were together. She couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to be with someone else. To feel wanted by someone.

She took a step forward, not knowing why she was following the voice screaming at her to get closer to this man. He looked down at her, his eyes a stormy grey now. Something was clouding them. Something deep and heavy and intoxicating. Desire fluttered through her stomach. A passionate hunger, deep and sudden, took complete control of her. Without thought or warning, she found herself pulling his head down to hers. She felt the incredible warmth of his mouth on hers. The kiss, while short, was filled with unspoken doubts and fears.

She pulled away in horror at what she'd done. She'd just kissed her teacher! A man ten years her senior. He did nothing more than show her concern and kindness and here she was forcing herself on him like the whore her mother always accused her of being.

"Solas I'm so sor-" She was interrupted by the crushing weight of feather-soft lips once more against hers. This time, she was the one taken by surprise as his mouth prodded hers to move in satisfying union with his. Solas wrapped both his arms around her, keeping her a welcome prisoner against his lean chest. He crushed her tightly to him, deepening the kiss. The firm press of the tip of his tongue danced across her bottom lip. She sighed deeply, letting Solas in further. He was certainly full of unquestionable masculine experience. He seemed to know exactly what to do to keep her wanting more than just a simple kiss. The weight of his long slender fingers pressed against the small of her back, pulling her tighter against him. A low moan vibrated in her throat. A small groan sounded from Solas in return. Then just as suddenly as he had descended upon her, he retreated from her.

It was as if someone had flipped a switch and the fog of blissful desire that was clouding her mind lifted. "We shouldn't," Solas said, taking a step back from Elyssa, "It isn't right, especially not here," He gestured to the empty school parking lot. Luckily no one had been around to see them, but if they had… Solas could lose his job because of her wanton actions.

"I-Solas-I…" Elyssa stammered and stumbled to find the right words, to say anything to make the situation better.

"I apologize," he murmured, "the kiss was impulsive and ill-considered. I should not have encouraged it,"

"You say that but you're the one that started with tongue!" Elyssa mentally kicked herself. Seriously, a joke at a time like this? Could she make things anymore worse?

"I did no such thing!" He protested with a small laugh.

"So that's your story huh?" she chuckled. "You deny it, so it must be true?"

"You're rather cheeky for a student," he teased.

"And you're a good kisser for a teacher," she shot back without thinking. Her eyes widened at the error in the jokes she had made. "I'm sorry. I know that's not at all appropriate. I mean neither was kissing you, obviously, but I can't take that back now," She began rambling, trying desperately to make the situation less awkward.

"Elyssa, stop," Solas ordered. She immediately stopped talking and focused on him. "What happened here was a mistake," he said gently, "One I cannot make again,"

"I know," Elyssa nodded, "I'm so sorry," For the second time that day, moisture pooled in her eyes.

"Please don't be upset," Solas soothed, "I enjoyed it much more than you could ever know. But you are vulnerable right now, and it isn't right for me to take advantage of you in such a way,"

"I understand," Elyssa sighed. She understood all too well the troubles of someone like Solas getting involved with someone like her. Even if she weren't seventeen and his student, she was still a broken damaged girl. Anders could attest to the fact that being with her in the best of circumstances was a handful. He pointed it out every time they fought, just as he had on the phone. She was just a damaged little girl that Solas didn't need to complicate his life.

"In another world… " The thought Solas had begun to trail off. Elyssa understood why he didn't finish his sentence. What was there to say? That he wanted to be with her but couldn't? That if he were not her teacher they could be together? Even if these things were true, they made no difference in the here and now. That was without factoring in her personal history that made things that much worse.

"One where I'm not so broken," Elyssa muttered more to herself than to the man standing next to her.

"You are not broken," the words were hard, filled with certainty, and left no room for argument. Elyssa turned to meet his fierce blue eyes. The depth of anger there shocked her; no one had seemed to care about her self-hatred before. She shifted her eyes from the heavy weight of concern for her that Solas was demonstrating. She didn't know what to say to make him understand what Anders, her parents, and everyone else who knew her past, saw. Part of her didn't want him to understand. She didn't want the concern to fade to irritation as it had with Anders. She didn't want the kindness to turn to distaste as it had with her mother. She couldn't bear to see Solas's gorgeous blue eyes, so full of care, look at her with pity.

"You don't know the half of it," she scoffed, "you wouldn't be saying that if you did,"

"You're right," Solas agreed. An intense pain stabbed Elyssa's heart. She thought hearing someone agree that she was broken couldn't hurt any more than it did coming from Anders. That was until she heard them from Solas. "I don't know what you've been through," he clarified, "but I would like to,"

"Why?" she scoffed with bitterness, "Why does it matter?" She stared down at the boots on her feet. Elyssa didn't know what scared her more, the thought of Solas deciding the truth didn't matter, or what it would mean if he did.

"You have a rare and marvelous spirit," he answered, "I don't want to see it crushed under the weight of a burden you needn't bear alone. I want to help you, Elyssa," She felt the soothing warmth of his hand under her chin. Gently, he guided her face up to look at him. "I meant what I said before, about you not going through this alone,"

"I haven't cut since then," She let herself lean into his hand. He didn't pull his hand away like she had assumed he would. Instead, he let his fingers unfurl and rest against her cheek. They stood this way for a long moment, each enjoying the simple caress. The line between teacher and student becoming dangerously blurred once more.

"I meant life," he explained, "you don't have to go through life alone."

"Oh…" she murmured. She didn't know what to say. She didn't know how to respond to that level of kindness. She spent a long time thinking not just about Solas's words, but his actions as well. He had proven at every turn that he cared about her. It may not be more than the concern of a teacher for their student, but it was still more than anyone else had ever shown her. He deserved the truth, and she knew deep in her heart that she couldn't keep dodging him much longer. But if she told him the truth, would he still care about her? Did she even have the strength to be brave enough by taking that chance? She had told Anders and it had turned into an insult he used against her every time he was angry or upset with her.

Once more, she found herself staring into blue eyes gleaming with kindness. They were so different from Anders's brown ones. Not just in color, but in the level of emotion they displayed. Anders wasn't even half the man Solas had already shown her he was. It wasn't fair to compare them like she was, but she knew Solas was a better man and she was going to have to trust that he wouldn't treat her the way Anders did. "Okay," she agreed with a heavy sigh.

"Okay?"

"Take me somewhere safe to talk," Elyssa answered, "I'll tell you everything."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who didn't find my reference, it is from Jeff Dunham's "Spark of Insanity" show, where he pokes fun at himself for driving a shiny powder blue Prius. If you haven't seen any of his stuff, I strongly recommend you watch it. I find him to be very amusing and I enjoy each of his character's personalities (though Peanut, Walter, and Achmed are my favorites)


	9. Unpack Your Heart (TRIGGER WARNING)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elyssa finally tells Solas about her past.  
> (TRIGGER WARNING FOR DESCRIPTIONS OF UNDERAGE SEXUAL ABUSE/RAPE!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING FOR DESCRIPTIONS OF UNDERAGE SEXUAL ABUSE/RAPE!! This chapter is very heavy and it talks about some really terrible things. Please know I did not write it lightly but it is necessary for the plot of the story. The things Elyssa talks about should not be taken lightly, so please be mindful while reading. Thank you so much DeVara_Lavellan for helping me make this story the best it can be!
> 
> This chapter's title was inspired by the song Unpack Your Heart sung by Phillip Phillips. This song is fitting because it is about unpacking your heart, sharing your burdens, and trusting in someone else. Please read, review, and let me know what you think of the story.

A tense silence filled the air of the small blue car. Elyssa hadn’t said anything more since agreeing to tell Solas everything. She didn’t ask where he was taking her. She didn’t continue to pick on him about his mode of transportation. She didn’t do anything more than stare blankly out of the car window. Solas had sent Salem a text explaining that he wouldn’t be making it to their weekly dinner because something came up. He knew at some point he was going to be confronted by the qunari woman, and he honestly didn’t know what he was going to tell her. However, that was an issue he would deal with at a later time. His focus now was helping this brave young woman.

He didn’t know where else to take her other than his house. He knew that there, they would have no prying eyes or ears to listen to what she had to tell him. Part of him was happy to finally be getting his questions answered, but a larger part - the part that cared for Elyssa deeply - was worried about what those answers were. He pulled into his garage and used the remote he kept in his car to close it behind him. He got out of the car and walked around to the passenger side to open Elyssa’s door for her. She hadn’t moved a muscle and was still staring at something he couldn’t see. “Elyssa you don’t have to do this,” he told her softly.

His speaking seemed to pull her attention from the void she had been in. “I want to,” she whispered, “I can’t carry this by myself anymore. I just need someone, anyone, to understand and not hate me.”

“I could never hate you for whatever you are about to tell me,” Solas promised. He offered her his hand to help her out of the vehicle. She gripped it tightly, not letting go even after she had gotten out. Solas didn’t say anything. Instead, he let her hold his hand. He would be lying if he said the feeling of her hand in his didn’t bring him a sense of peace. He led her into his living room, where he had seen her scars for the first time. It seemed this was to be the place that secrets finally came out. She took a seat on the same couch as before, finally letting his hand go. Solas could see the shaking of her jeans as her legs trembled. She fidgeted with the long sleeves of her shirt. Her eyes seemed focused on the light tan color of his carpet. “Would you like some tea?” he asked, unsure of what to do. Should he sit? Should he stand? 

“Not right now,” Elyssa answered. She looked at him and chuckled, “Sit down, you seem nervous.” She patted the seat next to her. He sat down where she had indicated and waited for the answers she was finally willing to give.

* * *

Elyssa took a deep breath. This was going to be harder than she thought. She hadn’t told anyone about what happened since Anders, and even then, he didn’t know the whole story. All he knew was that she hadn’t had the best first experience with sex. He didn’t know the details and he never would. Anders would never be able to handle the truth. Solas, however, she believed - and hoped - could. She turned so she was facing him and tucked one leg under her. Solas waited patiently for her to begin.

_ Here goes nothing,  _ she thought to herself. One more deep breath to still her racing heart. One more glance at the man with the kind blue eyes. One more reassurance that she was doing the right thing. She was ready. 

“I was ten years old,” she began, “I hadn’t been ten for very long, it seems like when it happened, but it's hard to remember exactly when it began,” Solas looked at her in confusion but thankfully asked no questions. She appreciated his silence. “Ten years old is too young to understand right from wrong completely. You don’t know which touches are appropriate and which are not. You don’t know why you’re being told to keep this or that a secret. In a way, it all seems sort of like a game. Especially when nothing like that had happened before,” 

Another deep breath. She thought back to that time years ago, to everything she had been through since then. Was that a scar that was ever going to fade? “Do you know what else ten years old is too young to know about?”

“I’m afraid not,” Solas murmured. His heart pounded in his chest. He had seen her picture, he knew where this was leading. Still, he hoped and prayed to whatever gods would listen that he was wrong.

“Sex, Solas,” Elyssa could hear the bitter resentment in her voice, “A ten-year-old little girl is too young to know about sex,” She felt drops of water fall onto her hands folded in her lap, “I was too young to know what it was we were doing,” Faster the tears fell as she remembered everything. Her chest heaved in hard sobs and she lost what little control she had.

Solas pulled the distraught girl onto his lap. There he held her tightly against him and let her sob into his shoulder. His heart cried out for her. It would seem she had more in common with him than he had known. The things he experienced at the hands of Andruil weren’t things he would wish upon anyone, much less a young girl. At least he had not been a child when she had shown him how bad sex could be. Who would destroy the innocence of a child like that? Who would force a little girl to grow up too fast? Angry tears welled in his eyes. He couldn’t believe someone would hurt this beautiful spirited girl that way. His arms were wound around her in a protective embrace. He couldn’t change the past, but he could help her now. He could give her a safe place to share her silence and unpack her heart. Perhaps then he could help ensure her future was better than her past. “Elyssa, I’m so sorry,” he whispered, her ashen hair muffling his voice.

“You don’t have anything to apologize for,” she gasped in between sobs, “You didn’t do it,”

“Who did?” Solas prodded softly, “He needs to pay for what he did,” He couldn’t help the low growl that arose from him. What he wouldn’t do to get his hands on the son of a bitch that could take a child’s innocence that way.

Elyssa waited until her breathing was under control. She hadn’t really cried about what had happened to her since it happened, and never in the presence of someone else. She hadn’t been able to. Every day, she was forced to act as if nothing had happened. To act like she was okay for the sake of someone else. No one ever thought that maybe she needed someone to tell her it was alright to not be okay. To finally release the tears she had spent years holding in felt strangely liberating; like losing a piece of yourself you never wanted to begin with but had always been there. Her chest already felt lighter, the world just a little brighter. But there was more she hadn’t shared with Solas. More she needed to get off of her chest.

“‘They,’” she said.

“Pardon me?” Solas asked. His voice was low, deep, and menacing. He understood what she had meant and he wasn’t pleased about it. A shiver ran through Elyssa. She didn’t know he possessed the level of anger his eyes held now. He was like a wolf, hungry, and eager for a kill. She was glad it was not her this wolf’s anger was directed at.

“‘Who are they?’” she answered, “That is the question you should have asked.” More deep breaths. It was alright. She was okay. She could do this. She could be brave enough to share her story with someone that cared for her. “I was ten when my grandfather began touching me. He had always seemed like a kind man, always laughing and joking. I liked that about him. At home, my mother had always been so sad or angry. My stepdad did his best to appease her, but it almost always ended up with them screaming at each other. It was so nice to be around someone who laughed and smiled instead of yelled and argued,” Her eyelids closed and she was back to a time when things were a little simpler. Before she was forced to grow up and realize how dark the world was. “I can’t remember exactly when it began,” she admitted, “I just remember enjoying watching him play his video games or getting a piggyback ride while we walked down the road to the store near where we used to live. We had been doing that as long as I can remember." Elyssa opened her eyes, but she could still see the innocent little girl she had once been. And the man who had taken that innocence away.

"Then, one day he paused his games, and we did things I didn’t realize weren't okay. One day he was reaching up and touching me when he was giving me a piggyback ride and telling me not to tell anyone else,” her voice was quiet, filled with sorrow for the little girl she had once been. What she wouldn't give to be that girl again, for the world to be a little bit brighter.

Solas’ hands dug into Elyssa’s back unintentionally. What kind of sick bastard did that to their granddaughter? What kind of world did they live in where someone could do something like that and not suffer the consequences? Instead, it was an innocent little girl made to suffer. He could feel Elyssa tense at the unexpected pressure of his fingers biting into her. With a deep breath, he eased the tension from his hands and waited for her to continue.

“You want to know something though?” Elyssa whispered, “I didn’t mind it. Part of me was so happy to be getting any kind of attention that wasn’t me being yelled at, that I didn’t listen to the other part of me that whispered maybe it wasn’t okay for him to touch me like that. That maybe I shouldn’t be seeing and learning about the things he was teaching me. That he shouldn’t be in my room at night, waking me up to do things,” Her chest heaved again. She had never admitted that to anyone before, not even herself. Hearing it now for the first time was strange, like having a fog suddenly lifted and seeing things she didn’t know were there before. 

“My life wasn’t horrible. My parents didn’t always fight. Sometimes we had good days where we all got along. We would play board games or watch movies on our crappy tv. We would be a family - a good one. But those good days couldn’t erase all the fighting and pain from the bad days." Elyssa's lip quivered as she thought about the good times she'd had with her parents and sisters. Her stepdad may not have been the man to help create her, but he tried his best to raise her as if she were. Her mother wasn't always bitter and angry at how life had turned out for her. Her sisters weren't always insufferable brats that took whatever they wanted without thinking of how she felt. Some days they had all been happy together; and those were some of the best days of her life. But those days were so few and so far between. 

With a heavy sigh, she continued her story. "I was the oldest, I knew that money was tight, even at such a young age. I knew it was my responsibility to help out however I could. So I never really asked for things. I took care of my sisters whenever I needed to,” Elyssa took a deep, shaky breath before continuing. “Still, it hurt to see how much more my mother cared about my sisters. She hardly ever yelled at them, it seemed. They always got what they wanted. I was the one that never really got to watch what I wanted or play a game when I wanted. I never really got presents for my birthday or other holidays because they always came first." 

Elyssa started at Solas with pleading eyes. Silently, she begged him to understand that she had tried to be a good person. She hadn’t meant to be so jealous of her siblings. She hadn’t meant to resent her mother so much. She had just been a kid. “So when he gave me attention that my sisters didn’t get, I felt special. I didn’t understand it was so bad.” 

“Ssshhh,” Solas soothed the girl, “it's okay, vhenan,”  The word slipped from his mouth before he could stop it. Once he had said it though, he knew that he loved her, and it terrified him. She was a student, so much younger, and with so much on her shoulders. She didn’t need him adding his burdens to it. She didn’t need to have to deal with the scars he had from his past, both physical and emotional. She didn't need his love. Nor, could he fathom, did she want it.

Elyssa stared blankly at him, seeming not to have heard him. “It wasn’t until the day my grandmother walked in on us that I fully understood what had been happening for months. By that time, I was nearly eleven,” Solas gasped at the realization that it had gone on so long for her. For almost a year, she'd had to bear the silence of what was happening to her. “I was supposed to have been watching him play a video game, and she had been coming to tell us dinner was ready. None of us were prepared for what she walked in on.” He felt Elyssa wind her arms tightly around him. A crushing grip squeezed his heart. It seemed as though she’d never had anyone to draw strength from like this before. Solas prayed she hadn’t been bearing this burden alone all these years. “She was pissed,” Elyssa continued with a snort, “She told me to go get my mother. I still remember the smell of the pork chops my mother was cooking, how she stood on the left side of the counter over the little electric grill she had cooked them on, and how angry she sounded when she asked why I was crying,” She rested her face on his shoulder, her cheek fitting perfectly into the space between his collarbone and arm. How he wished he could erase all of her pain. “The worst part about it though? The absolute worst thing is, my mother didn’t ask  _ me _ if I was okay. No, she asked my  _ sisters _ . It hadn’t ever happened to them. It had happened to me, but she didn’t seem to care,”

“I’m so sorry,” Solas choked, “I’m so sorry that this happened to you,”

“My grandmother kicked him out for like a week,” Elyssa scoffed bitterly, “then asked me if I was okay with him coming back. What was I supposed to do, tell my grandmother no? So he moved back in and we all acted like nothing ever happened. The only thing that he suffered was the scar he has to carry above his eyebrow from where my grandmother broke a lamp throwing it at him.”

“You continued to live in the same house as him?” Solas gasped. 

Elyssa nodded, “We had to. We didn’t have anywhere else to go. Then we moved to where we are now when my stepdad got a new job. I was about twelve then,” That seemed like it was it, like that was all there was to be said, but Solas hadn’t missed the fact that she had said more than one person had abused her. 

“Elyssa… you said ‘they’ earlier,” he hesitantly reminded her.

“I’m getting to that,” she whispered. “I was twelve the second time it happened, but it wasn’t my grandfather this time. It was my uncle, or well, one of my mother’s closest friends. I grew up calling him my uncle. I was dog-sitting for him, trying to help him out so he could get stuff done without his dog getting under his feet, and I’ve always loved animals so I didn't mind." In her mind's eye now was a little girl, trying her best to move on from something she still didn't completely understand. She had clung to the need to feel loved and accepted, accepting the love of a dog that was always so happy to see her as the best she was going to get. 

"He wanted to be a photographer, so I was also helping him with his portfolio. Most of the pictures were innocent until they weren’t. Before I knew it, I found myself in the same situation as before. But this time I knew it was wrong. I was so scared though. Everyone reacted so negatively when it happened before that I didn’t even know who I could talk to about it.”

“Elyssa, are you telling me no one knew about it then?”

“No one knew at all until just now…” she whispered, “I’ve never told anyone else it happened again.”

“Elyssa, they need to be reprimanded,” Solas said, “They shouldn’t be able to get away with something like that.”

“Solas, I can’t,” tears flowed from her eyes once more, “I can’t stand more people looking at me with pity and disgust. It’s bad enough I get that at home. It’s even worse that Anders throws what little he knows in my face whenever he’s angry at me. And then who knows what you’re going to do? I just… I can’t,” She hadn’t meant to let it slip that she was worried about his reaction. He didn’t need to know how much she cared.

Solas gently pushed her away, just enough to look at her with blue eyes swimming with so many complex emotions. “Elyssa I’m not going anywhere,” he reassured her sternly. “The only difference that what you’ve told me happened makes is that I understand you better. It just makes me more amazed that someone like you can exist.”

“So you understand that I’m broken,” she sniffled, “that I’m damaged goods,” Elyssa phrased her words with the inflection of rhetorical questions. 

Solas responded quietly. “No, you're neither of these things. You're strong and very brave for telling me this.” Once more he pulled her into his embrace, “I’m so proud of you.”

She felt warm and safe for once in her life. She felt at peace. She felt like she had a chance of being happy. In Solas’ arms, she felt that maybe the world wasn’t such a bad place. It didn’t matter that he was ten years older and her teacher. All that mattered at that moment was that he was accepting her, even after she had told him everything. She couldn’t understand why this beautiful, kind man was accepting her. She didn’t want to understand it. She just wanted to enjoy the feeling of being loved for a few moments more before it all went away. She could ask that much of the world that was cruel enough to take her innocence, yet kind enough to give her someone like Solas.

Solas held Elyssa in his arms until the sun outside his window fell and streetlamps came on. She was soft and warm against him. More than that, Solas finally knew what had been troubling her all this time. To have gone through what she described and still be able to laugh and smile was a testament to her strength. To let someone in, to share her secrets spoke volumes for her bravery. Despite the cruelty the world had shown her, she still chose to show others kindness and laughter. She was rare and marvelous and beautiful. 

Too soon, Elyssa pulled away. “It’s getting late,” she commented, “I need to go home. My cat needs to be fed.” She chuckled to herself. Of all the reasons to go home, that was the one she went with. 

“Ah, yes I suppose it is getting rather late,” Solas agreed, “I’ll see you out,” There was a chilling emptiness inside her as soon as she removed herself from Solas’ lap. Solas stood up and led Elyssa to the front door. “Thank you for telling me about everything,” Solas murmured. “It means a great deal that you would trust me in such a way.”

“Thank you for listening.” she laid a gentle hand on Solas’ forearm. A small gesture of her appreciation, blurring the lines between teacher and student that much further. Morphing them into two people that needed each other more than they could realize, changing them from student and teacher to just Solas and Elyssa.


	10. I Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elyssa and Solas decide to give in to what they want

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N Hello my lovely readers! While it may not be trigger warning worthy, I feel that it is necessary to warn you that this chapter does contain smut with a minor (she'll be 18 soon enough) This chapter's title comes from the song I Found sung by Amber Run. This is such a great song for the Solavellan pairing and I felt it was fitting for Elyssa and Solas at this point in time. Please read, review, and let me know what you think!

Loud, thumping music thudded from behind the large metal doors of the gymnasium. Elyssa hesitated, a hand on the door. She couldn’t believe she had actually come. It made sense this morning when she realized she had already bought a ticket and a dress. Now that she was here, however, it no longer made sense. Who went to their senior homecoming stag? Of course, if Anders had remembered her and what this weekend was, she wouldn’t be alone. Then again, if he _hadn’t_ forgotten her, she wouldn’t have talked with Solas last night. It felt freeing to finally have gotten everything off her chest. To have finally told someone everything. It felt, even more, freeing that Solas hadn’t shunned her when she did. Of course, it had only been one day, and she hadn’t even seen him since then. If she were being honest, it was the true reason she was here at the homecoming dance. She knew he was one of the chaperones and she wanted to see him again. She wanted to see how he reacted to seeing her now.

Elyssa nervously stepped into the gym. It had been decorated with strings of dim multicolored lights, balloons, and streamers hung in a haphazard fashion. The Chargers had beaten their rivals from Montsimmard, and everyone was celebrating, meaning the gym was packed with students. _Deep breath in, and then out,_ she told herself, y _ou wanted to come tonight._ She pulled herself together. With any luck, she was ready to face the crowd of people packed together in the gym like a can of unappetizing sardines. _Thank the Creators, at least it’s dark,_ she mused gratefully. Her eyes swept over the crowd of students, not looking at anyone in particular when a prickle on the back of her neck alerted her to the fact that someone was staring at her, intently. Her heart raced with foreign emotions when she found him standing on the other side of the gym. What should she do? What should she say? Should she go to him? Leave him be? Why couldn't she breathe? Why couldn't she think? Why couldn't she do something as simple as making a decision? Should she stay or should she go?

His eyes locked with hers, her breath stopping in her chest. She had been wrong. She shouldn’t have come tonight. She couldn’t face Solas after everything she had told him. After everything, they had shared. She had been a fool to think things could go back to normal. That Solas wouldn’t think of her differently. Hastily, she turned on her heel and left the gym. The last place she wanted to go to was home. Her mother would wonder what happened. She didn’t know how she could possibly explain that she left the dance because she had crossed an inappropriate line with her teacher the night before, and was terrified that the one person who had shown her compassion would treat her like everyone else in her life. No, she needed to bide her time until it was an acceptable time to go home. She decided she would go to one of the few places she felt safe, Solas’s classroom.

* * *

Solas knew he had seen her just a moment ago. She had looked stunning in her black and green dress. The dim lights of the gymnasium had shone upon her curled hair elegantly, giving her an aura of mystery. He had turned his head away for a mere moment, trying to collect himself before approaching her. They had left so many things unsaid the night before. He had so many things he wished to ask her. Why had she kissed him? Why did she trust him with everything she had told him? Did she feel the same draw to him that he felt towards her? If so, what did it mean? Where did they go from here? When he turned back to face her, she had disappeared. Then he heard the loud clang of the metal doors closing over the bass of the music. She must have left. But why leave the dance as soon as she had come? Solas decided to follow her, hoping she wasn't leaving school grounds already. 

Elyssa rounded the corner of the hallway, heading towards Solas’s classroom. She didn’t pay attention to the sounds of footsteps in the hall behind her, unaware that the very person she was trying to avoid was following her. When she made it to the door of the classroom, she was devastated to find it locked. Of course, it would be locked. They didn’t want students rummaging through classrooms after all. Especially not with the camera systems down over the weekend for some kind of update - if what she'd heard whispered around the halls was true. She had been thoughtless to try. She thumped her head against the thick wooden door and groaned. _Now what?_

“Perhaps I could unlock it for you?” the deep, Felerden accented voice of Solas sounded from just behind Elyssa. She jumped, startled by the unexpected presence. A delicious shiver went up her spine.

“Why would you do that for me?” she whispered.

“Because I know crowds bother you more than you care to admit,” he murmured kindly.

“And you know this how?” she shot out.

“Because I pay attention to you far more than I care to admit,” Solas answered.

Elyssa’s heart pounded in her chest. What did he mean? Was he admitting that he cared for her as more than just her teacher? No, she was letting hope get ahead of her with thoughts like that.

“Thank you, I would really appreciate it if you unlocked the door,” Elyssa answered. Solas didn’t respond. Instead, he reached around her to unlock the door. The closeness of his body against her back caused Elyssa’s breath to hitch in her throat. Her mind wandered to the kiss she had stolen from him the day before. To how good his lips had felt against hers. How delicious his tongue had tasted to her. Heat flared in her cheeks. She shouldn’t be thinking about her teacher this way!

Solas inhaled deeply as he reached around Elyssa to unlock the door. He could have asked her to move so he could unlock the door, but he hadn’t. He wanted to feel her closeness for just a moment. He wanted to enjoy a moment of the delectable scent of her floral perfume. He enjoyed the way the skin of his arm tingled as it brushed against her. It was wrong to want her the way he was now. It was wrong but damned if he didn’t care for just this small moment. He had stayed up after she left last night and thought about everything she had said. He had spent his life playing by rules made by people who didn't care when vicious people like Andruil and Elyssa's grandfather broke them. He promised himself if he got the chance to be close with Elyssa again, he would take it. Rules be damned.

When the door was unlocked and opened, she felt cold air where Solas had just been standing against her. She finally turned to look at him, curious as to why he moved away now. She hadn’t expected to see the same hunger she had yesterday glowing in his eyes. In her chest, her breath caught. He wanted her right now. She could see it in those beautiful eyes. She would be lying if she didn’t admit she wanted him too. What was it about that look of desire in his eyes that drew her in? That made her abandon all thought and reason? Why did Anders never look at her that way? Why didn’t she care that it was Solas and not Anders looking at her that way now?

The dim light of the moon shining through his classroom blinds highlighted the soft curves of her body. A few tendrils of her hair fell softly over her shoulders and down her chest, drawing his attention to the shoulderless straps of her dress. The sleeves were nothing but black lace at her shoulders, exposing the tops of her arms. They covered the length of her arm in solid material, ending in a small point at the top of her hand. Her dress dipped into a deep V of lace then hugged her figure tightly down to her waist. From there, it flowed into simple layers of green satin, ending just above her knees. He couldn’t take his eyes from the sight of the beautiful woman before him. Elyssa looked up at him from beneath her mascara-accented lashes, her jeweled eyes smoldering. Those green eyes were going to be his undoing. “You are so beautiful,” Solas murmured huskily.

“Th-thank you,” Elyssa stammered, embarrassed by his compliment. “I saved up to buy this dress,” she began explaining unnecessarily. She didn’t know how to respond to Solas’s compliment, so she began talking, praying she was at least making sense. “I thought Anders would like it, maybe even be proud to have me by his side for once…” she trailed off sadly, turning her face away.

Possession growled deeply inside of Solas. He didn’t like that Elyssa had worn such a beautiful dress for another man. No, for a _boy_ that had forgotten her. A _boy_ that was unworthy of her. Of course, he was far from worthy of her either. But right now, that didn’t matter. All that mattered at this moment was that her kind eyes were filled with sadness, a wrong he was determined to remedy.

Elyssa felt her chin being gently moved by long fingers. Her eyes met the kind desire that burned in Solas’s. “You are so beautiful,” he repeated sternly, “and any _boy_ that can’t remember to see that is a fool.”

"What does that make you?" Elyssa asked with breathless hope.

"A foolish man," Solas chuckled. One corner of his mouth rose softly, bringing a sad half-smile to his face. He let his fingers drift upward to cup her cheek in his palm.

"Why foolish?" She whispered, leaning her head into his hand. Her eyes glistened with hopeful intensity. 

Solas did not know how much longer he could resist his hunger for her. His desire to take her into his arms and show her just how beautiful, spirited, and amazing he thought she was. His longing to make her his own.

"For wanting what I shouldn't," he murmured, taking a step dangerously closer to the temptation that was Elyssa.

"What do you want, Solas?" Elyssa murmured huskily. Her breath was hot against the cool, thin fabric of his button-up shirt. Her eyes twinkled with hope. Her mouth hung open ever-so-slightly, her bottom lip pouting out just enough to drive him mad with need.

Because, right now, he needed her. He needed her to see she was beautiful, kind, talented, and full of strength she didn't even realize she had. He needed her to see she was desired. He needed her to see she was wanted. And he needed her to want him back.

He didn't say another word. Instead, he brought his other hand to cup the other side of her face and descended upon her mouth with a low groan. He felt her wind her arms around his back, gripping him desperately to her. Her mouth moved in eager unison with his. Gods how he wanted her! 

Finally, he tore his lips away from hers, only to move them to the tips of her pointed ears. With agonizing patience, he slowly kissed the tip of her ear down to the hollow where a single studded earring sat. He grinned at the way she trembled with desire in his arms. Tonight, he didn't care about rules and consequences. Why should he when the world had done nothing but laugh at the cruelty it bestowed upon them? Why should he care about rules when the people that had hurt them both had walked away scot-free? No, tonight he didn't give a damn about the consequences. "You."

Without a moment's hesitation, Solas gently pushed her into the classroom. In one swift, steady movement he shut and locked the door behind them, leaving the lights off so no one would see them. Elyssa let him guide her backward until the sturdy wood of his desk was behind her. An eager grin spread across her face. She liked the way he thought.

Solas kissed her mouth once more with a desperation that shook him. Why did Elyssa make him feel so alive? She was so real in a world he had long since thought was asleep. With her, he didn't feel as if he were walking through crowds of mindless darkspawn that could never understand him. She changed everything. And it both amazed and terrified him.

Elyssa was breathless as Solas continued to kiss her. It felt as though her heart was pounding at the speed of a hummingbird’s wings. Her skin was burning every place Solas touched with his body. She was on fire for him, with him. An intense shiver ran through her body as she felt his large hands trail down the tight material of her dress’s bodice to rest softly within the loose folds around her rear. He gave her ass a firm squeeze, extracting a moan from her. The sounds she made only seemed to encourage him. His tongue fought its way into her mouth, swirling and dancing with her in the most provocative way. This did nothing to quiet her, drawing breathless moans and gasps from her. With a low groan, Solas ground his hips into hers, pressing the evidence of his need against her. “Solas, mmm” she moaned feverishly.

He leisurely kissed a path from her mouth down to the hollow of her neck. “Yes, da’ean?” he breathed against her collarbone.

“I want you too,” she admitted. She inhaled deeply, trying to catch the breath that eluded her. She was taken by pleasant surprise when Solas lifted her up so the top of her chest was level with his head. His mouth never left her skin as he began to kiss the exposed flesh of her shoulders and chest. Lightly, she let her nails skim the broad length of his shoulders, up the back of his neck, and across the hairless expansion of his head. Solas groaned and shivered at the sensations she was causing. Needing no further encouragement, she made a new path across the lengths of his ears, around to the front of his throat, and down his chest to where the first button of his shirt was tastefully undone. With a wicked grin, she began undoing the next button. She needed this, needed _him_. She had no intention of stopping now. The world and its judgment be damned for once.

Solas maneuvered so that Elyssa was resting comfortably on his desk and he was leaning down. This allowed Elyssa better access to the buttons of his blue shirt, which she made quick work undoing. He let her have her moment of fun, enjoying the softness of her fingers against his skin as she worked. When she had undone all of the buttons, grinning triumphantly at her accomplishment, he took control once more. He gently pushed her down so she was lying flat across the width of his desk. He let his hands glide over her body, stopping at her knees. 

“Elyssa, are you sure you want this?” he stared intently at her, “we can’t come back from this.”

Elyssa looked up at the man leaning over her. There were already so many things they couldn’t come back from. What was one more? What were a few rules broken to them now? The men who had taken advantage of her hadn't cared about rules or if it was what she wanted. Why couldn’t she be with the one man who did care about her?

“I don’t want to go back, Solas,” she said with certainty, reaching up and caressing his cheek. “I want this. I want _you._ ” 

Solas needed no more encouragement. With practiced movements, he removed the clothes that were in the way. He positioned himself, ready to give them what they both wanted. There was no reason they couldn't enjoy each other's company in a more physical manner if that's what they both desired. They had both been hurt terribly in the past and they should be allowed to take comfort in the arms of each other. And even if they weren't allowed to, they would anyway.

Elyssa cried out as she felt Solas enter her. The slight pain she felt surprised her at first. When her body grew accustomed to his size, the pain was replaced by delightful pleasure. It was so much different than being with Anders. Solas was making her feel so full, satisfied, wanted. She had always felt that with Anders it was a necessity for the relationship like he wouldn't love her if she didn't sleep with him. She was beginning to think that maybe he didn't love her. After all, would she have found her way into the arms of another man if Anders had truly loved her, and she him? Were they both just too afraid of being alone to realize they didn't truly belong together?

She could feel her climax building at the steady pace Solas moved. Everything other than the way Solas made her feel left her mind. The way she felt safe, wanted, cared for, cared about. She wanted to keep feeling the pleasure Solas made her feel. She wanted to continue feeling good about herself, the way Solas did. He was the only thing on her mind. The man that made her feel so special.

 _Solas. Solas. Solas._ His name was the only thing she could think anymore as she was brought over the edge. "Solas, I love you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Da'ean - Little bird


	11. Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas deals with Elyssa's confession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title was named after the song Down, sung by Jason Walker, which is also the song she is singing along with on the radio. This is my go-to song for this sad part in the Solavellan romance. It just describes so well both Solas and Lavellan's feelings to me, they tried and shot for the sky with being together, and then they came spiraling downward. Please read, review, and let me know what you think about Unconditionally!

Elyssa lay curled on her bed, Solas’ sweater balled up under her chin. Parts of it still smelled like him, and it both comforted and hurt her. She couldn’t find it in her heart to hate Solas for how he felt. Neither could she blame him, nor could she forget him. All the kind words, soft touches, safe feelings - she couldn’t banish any of them from her mind. Wednesday couldn't come quickly enough. It was the first time in recent memory that she had looked forward to getting out of school. She could always skip, Tuesday was just a half-day; but there were tests in her other classes she needed to take. She couldn’t flunk out of school just to avoid the man that had stolen and then broke her heart. But to avoid him did she want to. His words from earlier that day still haunted her.

* * *

She had hidden in the girl's bathroom during lunch again, much like she had before Solas first confronted her about her grim artwork at the near-start of the year. Her stomach flipped with anxiety. How was she supposed to face him today? She had known there was no way they could go back to the way things had been before, but she had told him she didn’t want to go back. Had meant it. Meant every thought, every word. Elyssa smiled as she remembered how good he made her feel, how safe she had felt in that one blissfully intimate moment. 

She jumped as the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch. One more class, and then Art. Her Algebra class dragged and it felt like days had passed until the bell rang, and she was able to gather her things and head for what had been her favorite room in the world. 

She got to the door and her breath caught in her throat. How was she going to get through this? Panic fluttered in her chest. She saw several students sitting near the front of the class with Solas nowhere in sight. Taking a deep breath, she opened the door and bee-lined it for her old spot at the back of the classroom. She sat down and opened her bag, pulling out her sketchbook. She had begun the outline of yet another pair of kind, clear blue eyes when the door to the classroom opened again, and Solas walked in. Her hair had fallen around her, hiding her face from view, so she chanced a look in his direction. He was talking about their project for over the holiday, his back to the students, writing on the whiteboard. Her skin flushed hotly as she looked over the now  _ very  _ familiar oak desk. 

Solas turned around and finally faced the class, and she froze as their gazes locked for a moment. His face was carefully blank, betraying nothing beneath the confident mask of Art teacher that he wore every day. She had begun the outline for their fall project when she felt his hand brush her arm ever so slightly as he walked past, leaving a familiar slip of paper on her desk. Those four words that had started everything glared at her.  _ Please stay after class.  _

She didn't try to run this time. It would be pointless anyway. She had been waiting for his response since that night. No, she would stay and see what Solas had to say. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * 

_ Solas, I love you. _ It had just slipped out as they climaxed together. She hadn’t meant to say it. She hadn’t meant to admit it. Now that she had, she couldn’t take it back. She couldn’t unsay the truth. 

Her heart pounded as she waited for Solas to say something… anything. She waited, heart threatening to pound out of her chest, while he cleaned up the mess they had made. Finally, she couldn’t take the tense silence any longer. 

“Solas, please say something,” she begged.  _ Please say you love me too.  _

“May I give you a ride home?” he answered. He stared down at her with guarded eyes, one corner of his too-plump lips turned up in his signature half-smile. His face revealed very little about how he felt about what she had said. It did nothing to calm her racing heart. 

“Um… sure,” she answered with hesitant curiosity. Her mother had dropped her off but told her to find a ride home because she didn’t want to stay up late. Part of Elyssa was grateful that she wasn’t picking her up now. Maybe Solas would tell her how he felt on the way home? She could only hope so.

The interior of the car was filled with tension so thick it was almost visible. Solas didn’t know what to say. How could he explain to Elyssa why she couldn’t love him? Why she shouldn’t love him? She had been so brave, telling him about her past. Yet he couldn’t find it in himself, even now, to let his guard down enough to tell her about his. She deserved so much better than what he could give her. She didn’t deserve the problems she would have to face in loving him. She was worth so much more than that.

Solas’s inner turmoil was interrupted by the soft voice coming from the passenger seat. He hadn’t even realized the stereo had been on until he heard Elyssa singing along with the song playing. Her voice was very soothing, melodic, blending in perfect harmony with the male voice and piano coming through the speakers.

_ “Not ready to let go. Cause then I’ll never know what I could be missing. I’m missing way too much. So when do I give up what I've been wishing for? I shot for the sky. I’m stuck on the ground. So why do I try? I know I’m gonna fall down. I thought I could fly. So why did I drown? I’ll never know why it's coming down, down, down.”  _

Solas listened intently as she sang without realizing he was listening. He noticed the pointed emphasis she put on the words, ‘I’m not ready to let go,’ as if she could sense what he needed to say. She sang so quietly, but with such passion that he couldn’t help but be moved. He stole a glance at the woman still full of such mystery. She had her eyes closed, swaying slightly with the music, white curls swishing against her chest. Completely relaxed in her own world. Solas was taken back by how beautiful she looked. She was always beautiful, but it made his heart swell when he saw her looking peaceful, happy. He wished he could make her look that way all the time. But he couldn’t, not with how guarded he kept his heart.

The driveway was dark, no lights were shining through window curtains as they pulled into the driveway of Elyssa’s house. Everyone had already gone to bed. A slight twinge of pain shot through Elyssa’s chest at the realization that no one had waited up for her. She had known they wouldn't, but still, a piece of her had hoped. Was it just in movies that mothers waited for their daughters to get home from a dance so they could stay up all night talking about it, laughing while eating ice cream straight from the tub? Was it just in shows that fathers hovered at the door to flicker the porch light, breaking up the last good night kiss? While she was glad that she would be able to have a moment alone with Solas, she couldn’t help but feel that she was missing something tonight. Was she the only one going home to what might as well be an empty house?

Solas put the car in park and turned it off. He didn’t want to wake the obviously sleeping household. A glance at Elyssa tore at his heart. She was staring with blank eyes at her hands, neatly folded in her lap. Gone was the quiet, peaceful girl from only minutes ago. In her place was the girl full of sorrow, too afraid to share it with someone else. More than anything, Solas wished he could take the pain from her. He wanted the world to see that bright, happy girl he saw. He wanted Elyssa to see the beautifully spirited woman he saw. He wanted to live in another world where a love such as theirs could be possible. Where they didn’t have to worry about past and pain, age, and acceptance. Where they could just be two people that wanted the best for each other. But that world wasn’t this one; and instead of taking away her pain, he was adding onto it. 

“Elyssa,” Solas called softly. She turned to look at him, unshed tears in her eyes. “Oh, Elyssa, what’s wrong? How can I help?” He lifted the center console, pulling her willingly across the seat to cradle her against him. He couldn’t fight the desire to protect her, to make her feel better, to make her happy. She was his vhenan, his heart. As long as she was okay, he would be okay. He needed her to be okay.

“What did I do wrong, Solas?” she said with broken breath, “Why doesn’t my mother love me?”

“I’m sure she loves you,” he soothed, “I just don’t think she knows how to show it to you.”

“My sisters though, she seems to love them so much,” Elyssa cried, “but me, she can hardly stand the sight of.” Solas felt the warm wet sign of tears against his shoulder. He could scream at Mrs.  Alerion for making Elyssa feel this way. For making her feel as if she were unloved. It didn’t matter that Elyssa had a different father than her sisters, she was still her child. No child should feel so unloved by their mother.

Solas pushed her away just enough to let her chin rest on his finger, forcing her to look him in the eye. “You are beautiful, Elyssa,” Solas said, “you have a light that shines so bright inside of you. And sometimes people just don’t know how to handle that. They get blinded, so they’d rather turn away than face it.”

“Can you handle it?” Elyssa asked with a whisper. Solas looked down at her with that same sad smile he always seemed to have. What filled him with so much sorrow? What wasn’t he telling her? She could sense there was something - something he wanted to tell her, but didn’t. Why could he sit here and tell her she was beautiful and full of light but not share himself with her? She turned her head away, afraid he would see the pain there. 

A sharp, gentle tug forced her head to turn back towards Solas. He gave her no opportunity to speak, to ask questions, to protest - not that she would. He lowered his head towards hers and pulled her tightly against him. This kiss felt different from the others. His mouth was just as soft and warm as the other times they had kissed; this time, his lips moved with slow, deliberate movements as if he were trying to commit the taste of her to memory. His hands, just as gentle, stroked every curve and crevice with the same unhurried movement. This wasn’t the hurried touches of passion from before. This was the slow, aching feeling of goodbye. Was Solas trying to say goodbye?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * 

"Thank you for staying after class," Solas spoke formally. Not at all like the man that had joked and laughed with her, that had kissed and excited her. This man in front of her now was cold, polite, emotionless even. This wasn't her Solas.

"Curiosity killed the cat," Elyssa jokingly explained, shrugging her shoulders in an ‘I-don't-care’ kind of attitude. One corner of Solas's mouth twitched upward in the beginnings of a smile. For a moment Elyssa began to hope that maybe he was being grim and fatalistic for a different reason; one that didn't involve breaking her heart. Then he regained his composure and turned cold once more. Elyssa felt her heart drop into her stomach. Whatever this was, it was bad. 

“Solas what is this about?” she asked in a soft whisper, “Is it what happened at the dance?”

With a sigh, Solas stood from his chair and walked around to the opposite side of the desk to stand in front of her. “In a sense, yes” he evaded.

“I-is it what I said?” Elyssa couldn’t help the crack in her voice. She had been so foolish to think Solas could ever love her back. She had known that they could never truly be together, but she had let herself fall for him anyway. She had let herself give her heart to a man that deserved so much better than she could give him; now she would pay the price for it. Tears like rain began to fall onto the tiled floor. She had known better and still, she had done it. Still, she had told Solas she loved him. Still, she had stupidly believed that she could be happy.

“Elyssa,” Solas’s tone was softer now, full of sorrow. She looked up at him, unable to stop the tears that rolled down her cheeks. He reached a hand out to wipe away her tears. “You are so beautiful,” he murmured, the saddest of smiles on his face. “What you and I did was a mistake. I have distracted you,” he said, “it will never happen again.”

A mistake. Being with her had been a mistake. One so bad he would be sure it wouldn’t happen again. Elyssa felt as if he had thrown a boulder onto her chest. It was so heavy, she couldn’t quite catch her breath. She tried but only short burst of air traveled through her lungs. 

“Solas…” she said his name with so much pain, so much sorrow. His heart broke at the sound.

“Please, vhenan,” he begged her to stop. He could not bear hearing her in such pain, but what he was doing was necessary.

“Don’t leave me,” Elyssa’s bottom lip quivered, “not now.” 

Solas shook his head solemnly. As much as he wanted to give in to her, he knew he couldn’t. She needed to move on, to find someone good for her. The thought of not being with her gnawed at him, but he would do what needed to be done. For her. “You have a rare and marvelous spirit,” he told her, “in another world…”

There it was again. The same thing he had said when she had first kissed him. ‘In another world’. She was so tired of wishing, wanting, hoping for things that she could have if her life were different. For once, she wanted something in  _ this _ world. “Why not this one?” she asked, taking a step forward.

“I can’t,” he answered, “I’m sorry.” He took a step back from her, putting his hands up as if to stop her from approaching. Was she that repulsive to him? “So, that’s it?” she asked incredulously, angrily, “You’ve had your fun, so now you’re done with me?”

“No, it was nothing like that,” Solas argued sadly.

“Just… tell me you don’t care,” she asked. She needed to hear him say it. To hear him say she meant nothing - would always mean nothing - to him. She needed something to hold on to so she could block out the happiness he had brought her. If she could forget that, she could focus on blocking out the pain.

“I... can’t do that,” he said with a frown.

“Tell me I was some casual dalliance,” Elyssa growled. She took a defiant step towards him, shoving him away but wanting nothing more than to pull him close. “Tell me I meant nothing to you so I can call you a cold-hearted son of a bitch and move on!” She was putting on a brave face, turning her pain into anger. She turned on her heel and marched away, her heart crying out for him to stop her. 

As she walked away from the truest love she had ever felt, she heard the soft, sad whisper of ‘I’m sorry.’ behind her. 


	12. Face Down (TRIGGER WARNING)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elyssa tells Anders she cheated on him. The events that follow leave Elyssa scarred and more broken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING FOR DESCRIPTIONS OF SEXUAL ABUSE!!! This chapter is very serious and very heavy, so please be cautious while reading. Also, if anyone out there - male, female, whoever - ever finds themselves in a bad situation such as this the following number is one of the nation's largest anti-sexual violence organizations, 1800-656-HOPE. Don't hesitate to call. Rape is real and it is serious.
> 
> This chapter's title was named after the song Face Down sung by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. This song targets and questions the men in the world that feel like abuse is a way to be manly, like treating women horribly is the answer to things. In a way, I felt this song could easily be talking about Justice and how he handles Elyssa's infidelity. The song Elyssa and Nira sing is All I Need by Within Temptation. Please read, review, and let me know how you're enjoying the story. Also, thank you DeVara_Lavellan for letting Nira and Ashala make an appearance in this story.

Elyssa felt like she couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t leave school yet, but she no longer had Solas's classroom as her haven. She wandered through the arts hall and heard someone in the music room playing the piano. It was a song she had listened to often, ever since Solas had seen her scars for the first time. 

She looked through the door to see Miss Mahariel, the choir director. A woman sat in one of the metal chairs playing the cello and Miss Mahariel was singing the song beautifully. Elyssa began to sing to herself, thinking she was singing quietly enough no one could hear. The piano stopped suddenly. Her breath caught in her throat as the director came out of her classroom and saw her standing there, looking nervous.

“Sweetie, was that you? You sing beautifully! Please, join us? I’m Nira,” she said brightly, her flame-red hair pulled back from her face, revealing pointed Elven ears. Elyssa froze. Everyone knew Nira was a locally famous performer. She had been dying to go to Club Fen to see Nira and her band, The Inquisition, perform. 

“Um, I, uh…” Elyssa hated it when she stammered. Nira merely smiled.

“It’s okay to be nervous, I’m _always_ nervous before a performance. It’s just us girls, yeah? Come on.” Nira tugged on her sleeve, pulling her into the choir room. She set her bag near the risers, her sketchbook falling partially out of the halfway zipped bag. She looked warily at the woman in the metal chair. She knew of Nira, she was a teacher here after all, but she had never seen the other woman before.

“Hello, dear. I’m Ahshala. Who might you be?” she asked, nothing but kindness in her voice.

“Elyssa,” she whispered. 

“Well, Elyssa, you sounded like you could be a soprano, maybe… second soprano? Let’s start from the beginning, and you jump in when you feel comfortable, okay?” Nira suggested. Elyssa nodded. She didn’t know why, but she wasn’t as uncomfortable around her as she was with other adults. 

Nira played the beginning of the song and Elyssa let all the pain she was feeling bubble to the surface. She had had a moment of peace, she had had a taste of love. Real love. When she told Solas she loved him, it wasn’t an obligation like it was with Anders. She loved Solas for his compassion, his humor, his desires. She closed her eyes and let herself go back to that night, to those things she had felt as Solas moved inside her. To the feelings that had been there since that first day he had shared his lunch with her, a girl he knew nothing about and had no obligation to help. To the moment he had seen her arms and tried to understand, something no one else had ever done. To the jokes, the laughter, the smiling blue eyes she loved so dearly. 

“ _Don’t tear me down for all I need. Make my heart a better place. Give me something I can believe. Don’t tear me down. You’ve opened the door now, don’t let it close…”_

Nira looked at Elyssa with concern, then raised her eyebrows at Ahshala. 

_“I’m here on the edge again. I wish I could let it go. I know I’m only one step away, from turning it around. Can you still see the heart of me? All my agony fades away when you hold me in your embrace”_

He would never embrace her again. He had told her it was a mistake. It would never happen again. She was beautiful, rare, marvelous, and not enough. She would never be enough. Tears were rolling down Elyssa’s cheeks as she finished the song with Nira. Nira stepped around the piano, a firm, knowing look on her face. 

“Anyone, you want to talk about?” Nira asked gently. Elyssa twisted her sleeve in her hand.

“It’s stupid,” she said quietly.

“Look at me, Elyssa. Nothing about loving someone, or feeling the way you do is in any way wrong. My husband is, well, let’s just say he’s one of a kind. People thought that I was being careless by being with a much older man, and now I am Bonded to the man I know I’m going to spend the rest of my life with,” Nira told her with a wistful smile. Elyssa looked up at the music teacher when she had said she was Bonded and finally noticed the vallaslin on her cheeks. 

“How… how much older?” she asked.

“Oh, um, fifteen years. Was the song for someone older than you?” Nira raised her eyebrows at the young girl.

“I have to go,” she whispered, and grabbed her bag, bolting for the door that led outside instead of back in the hallway. Nira had seen right through her. How? 

_____________________________________________________________________________

Solas had stupidly followed Elyssa into the music hall. He had wanted to make sure she was okay, he knew she hated being alone. He stopped outside the double doors leading in and saw her lean against the wall, just outside of the choir room. He was about to walk in when the fiery hair of Nira Mahariel came out of the room, seeing Elyssa standing there. The women spoke and Elyssa followed her into the practice room. He quietly slipped through the doors, hearing Elyssa and Nira speaking, then another woman he didn’t recognize the voice of. Then the piano started and he heard Elyssa begin singing. The words she sang hit him in all of the most vulnerable places of his cracking armor. The women finished the song and Nira asked Elyssa a question he couldn’t quite make out. Then he heard the doors on the other side of the choir room open and slam shut, the sound of it bringing him back to the night of the Homecoming dance.

“The poor girl. Whoever she sang for, she needs him more than she would ever readily admit,” he heard Nira say to the other woman. 

“Should I go after her, miss? She did seem rather distraught,”

“No, Ahshala. Thank you though. I’ll ask around and see if the other teachers know her. Maybe start with Solas, I think she’s one of his students. She had a sketchbook with her. I’ll ask him before the end of the day.” Shit… 

* * *

_You are so beautiful… I can’t, I’m sorry…_ The words Solas had said to her yesterday kept playing through her head over and over again, shattering her heart each time. She was glad school was over with until Monday. She wouldn’t be faced with him again until then. The semester was almost over and then she could avoid him. Tears rolled onto her cheeks, causing her to growl in frustration. She had cried so much these past couple days. She never cried this much over Anders. Anders… she had been unfaithful to him. He never made her feel like Solas had, but that didn’t mean he deserved to be cheated on. She needed to make things right with him. She needed to break up with him, let him move on to find someone who could love him like she just never truly was able to. 

She didn’t work until Friday, so she decided to visit Anders at school. Her mother had no objections, she adored Anders. The campus was huge, but he had given her his address, so it wasn’t hard to find once she knew which building was which. She found the door to his dorm room and knocked, hearing two male voices on the other side of the door. She took a quick step backward when Justice, not Anders, answered the door. She had never been comfortable with Justice. The way he stared down at her like he detested her very existence, didn’t sit well with her. Anders had changed since he had become friends with Justice. He had become angrier, more easily frustrated, irritable. It had only gotten worse when they had gone away to college together. 

“Anders, you got a visitor!” he called over his shoulder, his words slurring. Elyssa could smell the alcohol from the hallway. “So, what brings you here?” Justice asked her. There was the sound of a bottle hitting the floor before Anders came into view.

“Elyssa, what are you doing here?” he asked. She shuffled her feet. She didn’t like Anders when he was drunk. 

“I wanted to talk to you, that’s all. I can go-” she replied quietly.

“No! It’s… okay. Come on in! I forgot you haven’t seen our dorm room! Want a drink?” he stated and asked loudly as she walked past Justice. He shut the door behind them and she heard the telltale sound of a lock sliding into place. 

“Um, no thank you,” she said, sitting in a plush armchair. Anders came back over with two plastic cups in his hands and shoved one of them in her face.

“Come on, loosen up a little!” Justice said from her left. Her hand shook as she took the cup and let herself have a small sip. It was sweet, like peaches and pineapple, and she didn’t taste the harsh bite of alcohol, so maybe it was okay. Anders smiled at her as she took a larger drink and set it on the coffee table. 

“Really looking forward to Thanksgiving,” he told her, “your mom is such a great cook.” Elyssa forced herself to smile and nodded her head. She grabbed the cup again and took another drink. She felt so uncomfortable right now. Her throat kept going dry and her mouth felt like cotton, so she kept taking small sips while Justice and Anders talked about one of their classes, and joked around with each other. 

“Anders, I-” She couldn’t finish due to Anders cutting her off.

“I’m really glad you came to visit. Hanging out with this asshole all day gets boring,” Anders goaded his friend, who responded with a punch to his arm. Elyssa smiled and leaned on Anders.

“Well, I-I needed to talk to you,” she said, her words feeling thick in her mouth. Anders frowned.

“Okay, the room’s this way,” he said, looking at Justice and shrugging. Elyssa and Anders walked into his room and he shut the door. “What’s wrong now?” he asked, rolling his eyes. Tears pooled in her eyes and she played with the hem of her sleeve nervously. 

“Um, I needed to-to tell you that I-I-” she stammered before Anders sighed in irritation.

“Will you stop stuttering and just tell me what’s wrong? We are being rude to my friend, you know,” he said, crossing his arms.

“I slept with someone else!” she said louder than she wanted to.

“What do you mean?” Anders growled. 

“I-I cheated on you Anders,” she whispered, “I didn’t mean to, it just happened.” Why couldn’t she explain this better?

“Elyssa, you don’t just accidentally fall into bed with someone else!” Anders huffed. 

It wasn’t a bed per se, but still, he had a point. “I didn’t intend to sleep with someone else.” There that was a better explanation.

“You know, Justice never approved of my obsession with you,” Anders sighed, “he said you were a distraction. That I was meant for something better than taking care of a broken girl.” 

His words stung, but at this point she deserved them. She didn't even regret sleeping with Solas. She felt guilty for technically being with Anders when she did, yes, but she hadn't been in love with Anders for a long time if ever. 

"I disagreed with him at first. Thanks for making me look like an idiot,” he growled sarcastically. Elyssa didn’t say anything as he opened the door and left the room.

Elyssa went to sit on the couch and put her face in her hands. Anders led Justice into his room, his expression anything but happy. She knew that he was telling him what she had done. She didn’t know why she was crying over this, she still didn’t regret it. She jumped when Justice and Anders walked out of the room, Anders disappearing somewhere into their dorm. Elyssa finished her drink and felt more relaxed. Justice turned on their stereo and went to the kitchen where she could hear him shuffling around, the sounds of clinking glass and sloshing liquid into cups. He came back to the couch and handed her another drink. 

“You look like you could use this. Shit happens, you know?” he said. Elyssa took a large drink from the cup Justice had handed her. It was sweeter than what she was drinking earlier. Something in his hard blue eyes made Elyssa nervous. She wished she could put her finger on what exactly it was. 

“I did-didn’t mean to hurt him. It jus’ sort of happened,” she replied, her tongue twisting in her mouth. Suddenly, a bass-heavy song came on and Justice leaped to his feet.

“C’mon, let’s dance!” he said with a smile that for some reason didn’t seem very friendly. Elyssa shook her head. The last thing she wanted to do right now was stumble around clumsily with Justice. She wanted to leave, but she was so dizzy. Hopefully, her head would clear enough to drive soon. “You might as well take your mind off things,” he said, yanking Elyssa to her feet. Elyssa stumbled and fell against Justice.

“Whoa there, easy now!” he laughed. His laugh seemed off somehow. Her entire being was screaming at her to leave, to getaway. She had done what she came here to do. She told Anders what had happened between her and Solas. Why was she still here? She laughed with him, trying to make the situation less awkward, and they moved around the couch to the more open area between the kitchen and the front door. While she danced with Justice, she wondered where Anders had gone. The bathroom, maybe? Her mind was fogging and control over her movements was becoming difficult. She found that she was having to lean on Justice to stay upright.

“Whe-where’s Anders? I-I don’ feel… so well…” she slurred. She barely registered Justice’s hands reaching for the hem of her shirt and tried to pull away.

“Then you should lay down and get comfortable, you’re going to be here a while,” he said through clenched teeth, steering her toward one of the rooms off of the main living room. He let her down on the bed and she fell over onto the pillow. She felt a hand on her chest, under her shirt. She tried to pull away but her limbs didn’t want to work. 

“Wha-what are you… st-stop…” she tried to protest. Justice laughed darkly.

“I’m sure that’s not what you told the bastard you slept with,” he commented snidely, “I just want to see for myself why Anders kept you around all this time.”

“Wh-what?” Her mind was spinning so much. What was happening? 

“You are going to pay for what you’ve done. You want to be a whore? I’ll make you a whore,” Justice growled. His eyes were almost white with anger, hard, and full of menace. Where was Anders? Why wasn’t he stopping his friend? 

“What!? N-no!” She could barely get the words out, much less deliver them with authority. She tried to think of something, anything that wasn’t what was happening now. Her mind kept going to the compassionate man with kind blue eyes, Solas. She wished he were here now. He would never let her be hurt like this if he were. He may not want her any more than Anders did, but he was still a kind man. A kind man that wasn’t here to stop Anders’s best friend from delivering his ‘justice’.

“This is your doing, your fault. No one hurts my friends and gets away with it.” Justice growled violently in her ear. A tear slid down her cheek as everything went black.


	13. Need You Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elyssa goes to the only place she feels safe. Solas is forced to realize the error of his ways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title was named after the song Need You Now by Lady Antebellum, which is also the song playing on the radio in this chapter. I felt this song was an appropriate title because Elyssa very much needs the support she has found from Solas in the past. As always thank you so much to DeVara_Lavellan for not only beta reading and supporting the story, but for putting so much time into helping me make it great. Please read, review, and let me know what you think!

Elyssa opened her eyes to a dark room. Her head throbbed and nausea hit her like a sledgehammer. She looked around, trying to find something familiar and tried to sit up. She quickly gave up on that when a sharp, piercing pain lanced through her abdomen and lower extremities. Movement on her right made her freeze and her heart pound erratically in her chest. She slowly turned to yell at Anders for getting her drunk, but it wasn’t Anders beside her. It was Justice. It was then that she realized that she didn’t have her underwear or pants on either. Everything that had happened before she blacked out came rushing back. 

She covered her face with her hands and wept silently. How had this happened? Where was Anders? Why wasn’t he looking for her? She very slowly moved the blanket off of her and slid off the bed. Thankfully, her jeans were on the floor next to where she lay. She couldn’t find her underwear, but she didn’t really care anymore. She needed to get out of here, fast. 

Every inch of skin and muscle screamed in protest as she put her pants on. Her truck keys were in her pocket still and she crept to Justice’s bedroom door and pressed her ear to it. She couldn’t hear anything on the other side, so she dared a small crack to get a better view. The common room between the two bedrooms was also dark and empty, except for a sliver of light coming from under the door of Anders’ room. 

Elyssa slipped out of Justice’s bedroom and closed the door as softly as she could. She found her shoes by the couch, slipped them on, and tiptoed to the door, sliding the deadbolt out of the lock. Home. She needed to get home. But she wasn't longing for a physical place. What she wanted was the person that made her feel as safe as a home should. She needed him… 

Once she got to her truck and got in, she locked the doors and began the long drive home. She turned the radio on, just to have something to drown out the memories that threatened to consume her. She wasn’t expecting the song to make her eyes well up with tears.  _ “ _ _ It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now. Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now. And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.” _

__ ‘Need You Now’ continued to play in her ears and she needed Solas. She needed him more than she ever had. She didn’t know how she was going to face what had happened with Justice. How she was going to handle yet  _ another _ man hurting her because of the mistakes she had made. When was she going to learn to stop fucking up? When were things going to get better for her?

Half an hour into the drive, the adrenaline that had flooded her body, allowing her to escape, stopped flowing. Her vision clouded with tears, and the panic and hurt were settling on her chest like boulders, making it impossible to breathe. She pulled her truck over, barely having time to open the door and lean out before the contents of her stomach emptied. She clutched her stomach in pain. 

She finally got back into her truck and pulled out her phone, pulling up Solas’ number. Her finger hovered over the dial button, desperately needing him.  _ I can’t, I’m sorry…  _ echoed through her mind once more. He had made it clear he didn’t want anything to do with her. He probably wasn’t even awake anyway. She clicked her phone closed and finished driving home. As she drove down the road they both lived on, she could just register that his porch light was on, meaning he was home. A light shining through the curtain she knew belonged to the living room let her know he was still awake. Before she could talk herself out of it again, she was pulling into his driveway instead of her own. Her chest heaved as she tried to catch her breath, knocking at his front door. She heard the lock click and Solas opened the door, an unreadable expression on his face. They stared at each other for a moment before he spoke.

“Elyssa, are you-” he stopped when Elyssa’s eyes widened and she put her hands over her mouth and gasped out sobs worse than when she had confided in him. He caught her before she fell to the stone walkway and helped her into his living room, kicking his door closed because he didn’t want to let go. Her sobs actually scared him, they were coming from a place he knew all too well. A place of utter darkness, pain, sorrow, and loneliness. What had happened to her since he had heard her singing in the choir room with Nira? 

“Elyssa, look at me. You need to breathe, look at me,” Solas told her firmly. She clutched his shirt in her fists and tried to catch her breath. Everything hurt. Why was she even here? What was she hoping to happen? These were questions that ran through her mind as she screamed into his shoulder and her knees gave out from under her. Solas’ arms tightened around her, trying to keep her standing. The sudden increase of weight as she dropped was too much for him, causing him to fall with her. He needed to know what had happened. He grasped her shoulders and turned her to face him, but she just kept her eyes shut and her jaw clenched.

“Elyssa, what in the Creator’s names happened?” he asked her. She just shook her head and buried her face against his shoulder again, her cries quieter but still thick with the primal fear of something traumatic happening. He’d never seen her  _ this _ upset before. Not when he had seen her scars, nor when she told him about her past. She hadn’t even been this upset yesterday when he had told her nothing more could happen between them.

Solas held her until her grip on his shirt loosened. Her breathing had changed and he saw that she had lost consciousness. Her brow was creased and her eyes moved as if she were having a bad dream, and given the way she had been violently shaking in his arms, she probably was. He moved a lock of her white hair from her face, caressing her cheek and placing a kiss on her forehead.  _ Oh, vhenan, what happened to you tonight?  _ He maneuvered his phone from his pocket and took a breath before dialing the one person he knew could help him.

“Salem, I fucked up and I need your help,” he admitted through clenched teeth. He knew that he would have to tell her what he had done with Elyssa. He would have to admit that he had been reckless, selfish, and careless. He would have to face Salem’s wrath, but Elyssa needed her help. He didn’t know what to do for the distraught girl.

_ “I’ll be there shortly,”  _ Salem said, her voice revealing nothing. He was definitely in trouble.

The minutes ticked by, Solas continuing to cradle Elyssa to him. A shadow on her wrist caught his eye, and he gently pulled her sleeve up to reveal a large, handprint-shaped bruise darkening quickly. His heart pounded in his chest as he took her other arm and pulled up her sleeve to see another bruise. Rage burned like fire in his veins. Whoever had laid their hands on her was going to pay. Before he could move her, Salem opened the unlocked door and quietly shut it. She came into the living room to see Solas holding someone in his arms.

“Solas?” she asked warily. He jerked his head for her to come over and help him move her. Salem’s larger Qunari form allowed her to pick up Elyssa easily while Solas went to his room and grabbed a pillow and the blanket from his bed. Salem laid her down gently and turned to Solas. “Kitchen. Now.”

Solas followed her to his kitchen, where they would be less likely to wake Elyssa. “Salem, I-”

She held her hand up, stopping him from speaking with a stern look. “Care to explain why the very person I told you to leave  _ alone _ is in your fucking living room at 1 am, passed out on your couch?!”

“Salem, it's not what you think,” he protested with a frown.

“Really? Because I think you did the exact opposite of what I told you to!” she yelled in a hushed tone, “Solas, she’s your student. She’s underage. And she’s going through Maker-knows what. What were you thinking!?”

“Salem, stop!” he ordered the angry woman. She raised an eyebrow at him, her expression incredulous that he would speak to her so sternly, knowing he was in the wrong. 

“Before you say another word, look at her arms,” he told her more softly, “you can yell at me later.” Salem went to the living room where Elyssa was still unconscious on the couch. She knelt by Elyssa and softly picked up the girl’s arm, frowning at the bruises. She moved the blanket from her shoulders and torso and looked at the skin of her stomach where more bruises were, this time with the crescent moon shape cuts of someone harshly digging their nails into her skin. She gasped and placed the blanket back over her, covering her shoulders. She knew all too well what had happened to her.

“Solas we need to go to the hospital,” she yelled shakily.

“What? Why?” he called as he began to make his way from the kitchen.

“Now!” She picked the girl up in her arms, her face twisted in terror. Solas’ heart stopped pumping before picking up twice as fast in his chest. Salem never looked scared, not like this. She was always so calm in a crisis. What had she seen on Elyssa? He rushed to open the door for Salem, shutting and locking it behind him. He followed Salem to her ‘67 Chevy Impala, not questioning her choice in vehicle. The Impala had bigger seats than his Prius did, more room for Elyssa to be laid down comfortably. Salem gave him a pointed look when he slid into the back seat with her. He stubbornly stayed in the back, maneuvering so Elyssa’s head was lying in a comfortable position in his lap. “ _ Ma halani, sathan, Solas! _ ” Solas’ heart clenched when he heard her suddenly crying for his help in her sleep. He had been a damn fool. No matter how much he pushed her away, she would still be there in his heart.

Salem gave him no further protest, seeing it was useless. “Explain. Now.” she ordered him sternly, her foot falling heavily onto the accelerator, “unless you want me to go on a rampage, in which case, you're first on my list.” They drove to the hospital and began talking about what had happened since the first canceled Friday dinner. 

“Solas, did you hear  _ anything _ I had said after the meeting with her parents!?” She sighed, “or did everything I say just go in one ear and out the other? I mean, they’re large enough you think you would have heard  _ something.  _ Are those transportation devices on the side of your head? Because I thought they were ears. Apparently, I was wrong.”

“I made a mistake, Salem,” he sighed. He began to gently stroke Elyssa’s hair in a soothing manner, noticing that she had dark roots beginning to show. 

“No. You made mistake _ s _ ,” Salem clarified, “plural, first off. Second, they weren’t mistakes Solas, they were decisions you chose to make.” She couldn’t help but notice the look on her friend’s face. Had he even realized how far he had fallen for the girl?

“I know,” he let out a sad breath, “I didn’t know what else to do, Salem. You were right about Andruil still controlling my life. Is that what you want me to say? That you were right about everything? That if I had just left Elyssa alone, none of this would have happened and I wouldn’t have fallen-” He cut himself off. He didn’t want to admit it aloud, it hurt too much. 

Solas had no warning as a bottle of water collided with his head. “Solas, I don’t want to be right!” Salem took a deep breath, visibly trying to calm herself. “You call me in the middle of the night because you ‘fucked up’ and I find a girl - that you just admitted to sleeping with - passed out in your living room that has  _ clearly _ been sexually assaulted. Do you have  _ any _ idea what is going through my head right now?”

“She has been what?” he asked dumbfounded

“Just please tell me this isn’t what you meant when you said you fucked up?” she begged desperately.

“Y-you think I did this to her?” Solas asked disdainfully, “You think that I would hurt her like this?”

“I don’t know what to think right now,” Salem admitted. Her grey eyes stared pleadingly at him through the rearview mirror.

“Salem, I would never force myself on her!” Solas whispered harshly, angered at the fact that his friend would think that low of him, “and I slept with her almost a week ago, at the Homecoming dance.”

“You slept with her  _ at _ the dance,” Salem asked shocked at what he just admitted. She immediately waved her hand in dismissal, “nevermind, not important right now.” She pulled the car beside the curb just outside the women's shelter clinic and put it in park. She exited the car, going around the back seat on the passenger side where Solas sat with Elyssa. She allowed Solas the room to get out himself before taking the elven girl into her arms. The sound of footsteps echoed behind her as she began walking to the doors of the clinic. “Solas, go park the car,” she ordered. 

Solas opened his mouth to protest but was immediately silenced by the jingling of keys being thrown at him. Keys he was barely able to catch with how bad his hands were shaking. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t realized what the bruises on her arms were from. He had assumed her boyfriend had gotten physical with her in a fight. Whatever else Salem had seen had led her to believe it was more than that. But to have been assaulted sexually? Why would someone do that to Elyssa?

“Go park the car, you can come in in a few minutes after I get her to see a doctor. You don’t want them to think you did it,” Salem explained, barely containing her anxiety. Solas finally registered the sense Salem was making. She was his friend and as angry as she may be with him, she didn’t want him to lose his job or worse. If he went in carrying a high school-aged girl who had been assaulted, the authorities would jump to the conclusion that he had been the one to assault her.

“Okay,” he agreed, letting Salem carry away the one thing he cared about most in this world.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Elyssa awoke with a gasp. She had to get out. She had to leave before Justice could hurt her anymore. She had to get out! Her chest rose and fell rapidly, breath alluding her. Her head swiveled from one side to the other frantically. The bright lights, the softly colored room, the tiled floor were all foreign to her. Harder, she tried to catch her breath to no avail. She couldn’t breathe. She heard the hurried light footsteps of someone rushing to her. 

“Elyssa, ELYSSA! Look at me, my name is Dr. Leliana, and you are in a women’s shelter clinic! I need you to breathe, okay?” She put Elyssa’s hand to her chest and breathed deeply. “Breathe with me, now. Good. Once more,” they both breathed in at the same time and exhaled at the same time. Elyssa clung desperately to the woman’s lab coat. 

“Why-why am I-I here? How did I get here?” Elyssa whispered. Dr. Leliana looked confused. 

“You don’t remember how you got here?” she asked. Elyssa shook her head. 

“The last thing I remember- oh, Creators. No, no, no, no, I need to go home, I have to get home!” she cried. The door opened, and the large horned figure of the senior guidance counselor walked in.

“Mrs. Adaar? Wha-what’s going on? Why are you here? Please take me home! I can’t- I can’t breat- breath!” Mrs. Adaar walked over, gently wrapping her in a comforting embrace.

“Okay, Elyssa, okay. I’ve got you, sweetheart," she soothed, "I promise he can’t hurt you anymore.”

Elyssa just shook her head. Mrs. Adaar didn't know what had happened. She didn't know why Justice had done it. If she did she wouldn't be trying to comfort her now. She had acted like a whore, Justice had said, so she got treated like one. 

Elyssa was given some sweatpants and a shirt a size too big to dress in. Dr. Leliana and Mrs. Adaar stepped out to let her change. Everything hurt to move, so it took her longer than usual to put on a simple pair of pants and a shirt. When she was done she folded her arms around herself, hiding the scars and bruises on her forearms while still being careful to avoid putting too much pressure on her stomach and chest.

The doctor and the counselor walked back into the room. “Elyssa, can you trust me enough to tell me what happened?” Mrs. Adaar asked.

"I don't know if I can trust anyone anymore," Elyssa whispered, not meeting her gaze. The older woman sighed, her gaze seeming to look at things that weren’t there. Elyssa didn’t know how to explain it to her. She didn’t know how to put into words what had happened or why. She couldn’t explain who had done this to her without also telling her what she and Solas had done at the dance. She didn’t want Solas to get into trouble and lose his job because she had coerced him into sleeping with her. She didn’t see the point in telling on Justice when she had brought it upon herself.

Mrs. Adaar offered to give her a ride home. Considering she had no idea where her clothes or her keys were, Elyssa accepted. As they left the room, Elyssa saw Solas sitting in the waiting area, his face in his hands. Why was he here? Why did he look so upset? Did he know what had happened to her? Elyssa looked away. Just what she needed, another reason for Solas to think she was broken.

The car ride to Elyssa’s house was filled with silence. Mrs. Adaar said nothing, but kept casting worried looks her way. Elyssa chose to stare out of the window, her mind spiraling into a darkness that honestly scared her. She didn’t know how she was going to make it through this. She didn’t know if she even wanted to.

They pulled into her driveway, next to her truck that had somehow gotten there. Elyssa cast a glance down the street to the house she would much rather be at. All the lights were off though his car was parked in his driveway. Her mind was drawn back to the way he had looked in the waiting room. How utterly depressed and defeated he had seemed. She didn’t know what had upset him so much, but she wished more than anything that she knew how to help him. She didn’t like seeing him upset. Even after everything that had happened, she just wanted him to be happy. He deserved that.

Elyssa got out of the car, followed by Mrs. Adaar. Elyssa looked wearily at the horned woman. She extended her large ash-grey hand, Elyssa’s keys dangling from the end. “Thank you for the ride, Mrs. Adaar, and for bringing my truck here. Have a good holiday,” said Elyssa murmured politely, no emotion in her voice. Before Mrs. Adaar could respond, she was already closing her front door and locking it.

She let out a deep sigh, wanting nothing more than to go to bed. A low creak of old floorboards shifting under the weight of someone’s foot sent fresh panic through Elyssa. She turned slowly to see angry brown eyes in the dim light of the lamp on the hall table. “Where the hell have you been?”


	14. Numb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanksgiving arrives with some unexpected visitors for Elyssa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title was named after the song Numb sung by Linkin Park. I picked this song because numb is exactly what Elyssa has become. Also because I feel that this song very much talks about a bad relationship with a parent. Please read, review, and let me know what you think!

Solas walked numbly into his house. Salem had given him a ride home after she had dropped Elyssa off. What had he done? He sat heavily on his couch and raked his hands over his face, staring at the ceiling. A faint remnant of Elyssa’s perfume hit him and he tore his shirt off, throwing it across the room. He stood and went to his kitchen, pulling down a bottle of whiskey that Bull had given him for his birthday. He poured himself a generous amount into a glass, then began putting the bottle back up. After a second thought, he opted to bring the bottle with him. It was one of those nights. One of the worst nights he’d had in a long time.

He took the glass and bottle back to his living room, catching a glimpse of light from an upstairs window a few houses down from him from the smaller window behind his couch.  _ I don’t want to go back, I want this, I want  _ you. Her words played over and over in his mind. He absently touched his cheek where her hand had brushed across it as if she truly loved him back.  _ Ma halani, sathan, Solas!  _ The way she had screamed for his help still tore through his ears. The wide panicked shifting of her eyes when she woke up in the clinic. The sharp rise and fall of her chest as she struggled to breathe. It all played over in his mind.

Solas was startled back to reality by the ringing of his phone. He pulled it out of his pocket and looked at the caller ID. He didn’t recognize the number, but he answered anyway.

“Hello?” he asked.

_ “You are a hard man to track down, my love.” _

Solas paled as Andruil’s voice came from the other end of the line. “What do you want?” he growled. He didn’t have time for her games.

_ “Testy, testy. Can’t a girl call and say hello?” _ she sneered into the phone.

“You aren’t the kind of girl to just call and say hello. What do you want, Andruil?” 

_ “You  _ are _ in a mood. I’ll call back when you’ve calmed down, Wolf.” _ He hit the end call button forcefully and pressed his palm to his forehead. It did nothing to assuage the memories that surfaced with hearing her cold voice again and he threw his glass against the wall. He would need to change his phone number again. But that could wait until after the holiday. For now, he settled with cleaning his mess up and then getting another glass. 

Several hours and half the bottle later, he finally climbed into his bed. He fell asleep quickly and dreamed of the one night of true peace he had felt with Elyssa in his arms. All too soon, the pleasantness of those dreams morphed into the usual nightmares that he still had about what he had suffered at the hands of Andruil. It wasn’t long before he was waking up late the next morning in a cold sweat. He needed to talk to Salem. She would want to know Andruil had contacted him. With any luck, she would have an idea of what to do about Andruil and perhaps how to help Elyssa. 

Hard. His grip was too hard. She opened her mouth to tell Solas he was being too rough with her, but no noise came out. The sound of cruel laughter wrapped around her, suffocating her. She opened her eyes to see that it was Justice, not Solas, over her. There was so much hatred and anger in his white eyes. How was it possible for one person to be that angry? Again, she opened her mouth, this time to scream for help. Again, no sound escaped. She was helpless to stop the painful onslaught to her body. She closed her eyes once more and let herself fall into the black abyss of her mind.

Elyssa jerked awake, her body covered in sweat from her nightmare. From downstairs, she could hear the shrill sound of her mother yelling.

“I don’t need you telling me how to raise my daughter!” There was a feminine voice Elyssa couldn’t quite make out from her room. Stealthily, she crept downstairs to see Mrs. Adaar in the front hall with her mother. 

“Mrs.  Alerion, I don’t think you understand what I’m telling you,” the qunari replied with a frustrated sigh.

“I understand that you think my daughter was assaulted last night,” her mother scoffed, “but I  _ highly _ doubt she was ‘forced’. She probably just got too drunk and didn’t remember exactly what happened.”

“Mrs.  Alerion, I don’t care for what you’re implying,” Mrs. Adaar growled . Her lips and eyebrows were scrunched in anger. Her hands balled into fists at her side, her knuckles white with how hard she was squeezing her hands together.

“Maker’s balls! You sound just like that fucking art teacher of hers! And I don’t appreciate you practically busting down my door to tell me some fabricated story my daughter told you last night, just so she wouldn’t seem like the little whore she is!” Elyssa’s mother threw back. 

_ You want to act like a whore? I’ll treat you like a whore. _ Justice’s words surfaced from the darkness of Elyssa’s mind. She couldn’t even deny it anymore. She had acted like one. She had kissed, and then seduced her teacher and cheated on her boyfriend. She didn’t even regret sleeping with Solas. She was every bit the whore Justice and her mother said she was.

Elyssa’s mother shooed the quite obviously pissed qunari out of her house. Elyssa ran back up the stairs as quietly as she could. She didn't need her mother yelling at her any more than she had last night.

She hadn't been able to come up with a good enough excuse for her why she was getting home at nearly 3 am. So, Elyssa had told her mother as much of the truth as she could. She had fallen asleep in Anders' dorm. She woke up with injuries she didn't remember receiving, so she was taken to a doctor. It had been sufficient enough for her mother to allow her to go to bed.

Blessedly, her mother said nothing more about the previous night nor that morning with Mrs. Adaar. Elyssa did her best to stay out of the way, avoiding her mother when she could. She helped clean the house for Thanksgiving the next day. She couldn't remember who all was coming. It didn't matter, her mother would want the house clean regardless, and Elyssa was pleased to have something to distract herself with.

Elyssa woke the next morning, once again drenched in sweat from the same nightmare. Her cat looked disdainfully at her for the way she had jerked upwards, disturbing its sleep. Was this her life now? Moving from one nightmare to the next, never able to catch her breath? What kind of life was that? What was the  _ point _ in a life like that? All she had ever wanted was to find someone who wasn’t going to hurt her. Someone who wasn’t going to use her with no regard for how she felt. Someone who wasn’t going to judge her for the things that had happened in her life, things that had been completely out of her control. Most of all, she wanted someone who was going to love her for who she was and not what she could do for them. It seemed that wasn’t a possibility in this lifetime for her.

She dressed carefully, everything still so sore from Justice. She opted to wear a long black skirt to avoid the added pain of putting each leg into pants. Pairing that with her best long sleeve shirt, which also happened to be black, he looked almost as if she were dressed for a funeral. A harsh half-smile formed on her lips. It was fitting considering she felt as if a part of her - the part that was capable of being happy - had died. She wore very little makeup, just enough to halfway hide the dark circles under her eyes and the bruises that weren’t completely hidden by her clothes. She let her hair fall around her shoulders in her natural soft waves. She didn’t have the energy to do anything more with the locks of ash-white hair. Upon closer inspection, she noticed that her roots were beginning to show. She would need to dye her hair again soon. Then again, what was the point? She had only kept it dyed because Anders had liked it that color. He had hated her natural auburn, so she had changed it for him. At first, she had thought the white hair suited her. Now it was just another thing hiding who she truly was.

The smells of turkey, potatoes, and pumpkin pie wafted upstairs. Normally, Elyssa would enjoy the scents of her mother’s cooking. Today, it just made her stomach churn. The thought of sitting down, eating like everything was okay, made her feel anything but okay. Every day for almost eight years, she’d had to act like everything was okay like she understood why everything had happened as it did. She was getting so fucking tired of pretending she was alright when she was far from it. Of plastering fake smile after painful fake smile on her face, using art as the only means to truly express herself. She was tired of the games. What was the point of pretending like she was fine when it changed nothing? 

She made her way downstairs to join the rest of her family. Her stepdad was sitting on the couch watching football, resting the shoulder he'd recently injured at work. Her sisters were helping set the long antique dining table her mother had found at a yard sale once. She remembered that yard sale, the fun she and her mother had singing in the car. How happy they were with their treasures. It was one of the few good memories she had with her mother. Pain ran through her chest at the memory. She wished she could understand why her mother got so angry with her so often. Why she always called her a bitch or a whore when she yelled at her. Why she found any reason to be displeased with her. A mother's love was supposed to be unconditional, but her mother's seemed to be full of nothing but conditions and expectations.

The doorbell buzzed, signaling the arrival of one of their guests. Elyssa opened the door to see her grandparents standing there with a foil-covered dish. She tried her best to smile politely, stepping as far away from her grandfather as possible as they came inside. It had been eight years, and while he'd never attempted to touch her again, she still wasn't completely comfortable in close proximity to him.

They settled in, her grandmother going to help in the kitchen, and her grandfather going to watch football with her stepdad. Before long she was again answering the door, this time for her uncle and newly-made aunt. Another fake smile, another too-wide margin of room, another door opened for a man that had hurt her. She just had to smile, make polite conversation, and eat like she didn’t want to empty the contents of her stomach. She could make it through today and then on with the rest of her life. She could handle one day with two people that had hurt her so many years ago. It was years ago, and she had already been dealing with it for this long. What was one more day?

Elyssa was thrown off by the doorbell ringing once more. Who else was coming? She had thought her uncle was the last person they were expecting. She opened the door to see who it was. She was greeted by a pair of hard brown eyes, a cocky smile, and tied back blonde hair. “Anders?” Her entire body tensed up as the man with the hatred-filled blue eyes from her nightmares stepped from around him.

“Nice to see you again,” Justice greeted, a cruel smile on his face. Elyssa felt her knees begin to shake, her arms barely staying upright to hold the door open.

“What are you doing here?” she whispered, terrified.

“Your mother said I could bring him when she invited me months ago,” Anders replied dismissively. He began to take a step towards the door, also taking a step towards her. Her body went rigid. She couldn’t move. She couldn’t do anything but attempt to breathe, something that was not that easy to accomplish. Then he smiled. His mouth formed that cocky smile of superiority she always hated. She had hated how he always thought he was so much better than her. She had hated how he used the fact that she was his first but he wasn’t hers over her. It wasn’t as if she had chosen to lose her virginity in the manner that she did. He was the first one that she had chosen. And now she was thinking she couldn’t have made a worse choice.

“Leave,” she demanded, her voice hard and filled with anger.

“Come on now, babe, don’t be like that,” Anders laughed, taking another step towards her.

“I said, leave,” she repeated.

From behind her, she heard the small creak of the floorboards shifting from someone’s weight. “Elyssa, who is it?” her mother asked, coming to see Anders and Justice being blocked by Elyssa. “Oh, Anders,” her mother smiled pleasantly at him, “did you two have a safe trip down here?” She turned her hard brown eyes to Elyssa as if to tell her to move so they could come in. After a few moments in which Elyssa still couldn’t move, she frowned. “Elyssa, you weren’t born in a barn,” she sighed, “move so they can come in and close the door.”

Elyssa looked at her with defiant eyes, “No.”

“Excuse me?” her mother asked her tone stating that she was not pleased with Elyssa’s response.

“I’m not letting them in,” Elyssa told her, “they shouldn’t be here.”

“Maker’s breath, Elyssa,” Anders sighed, “are you really going to ruin a whole day because of one little fight?”

Elyssa rounded on Anders. “It wasn’t a  _ little  _ fight!” Her voice rose as she began to unload her anger onto him. “You left,” she growled, “you left and you let him hurt me!”

“Babe, I really don’t think now is the time or place to be arguing,” he rolled his eyes, an apologetic smile cast towards her mother.

“You’re right,” she agreed, “so leave.” 

“Elyssa!” her mother gasped, “stop being so rude. Anders come in.” She pried the door from Elyssa’s hand opening it wider so they could step around Elyssa.

“Mom!” Elyssa protested, “you can’t let them in!”

“And why the hell not?” she asked angrily.

Elyssa took a deep breath. She needed to tell her mother what happened. She needed to trust that her mother cared about her enough to take her side on this. To not welcome in the person responsible for hurting her just a few days ago. “Justice was the one who hurt me that night I came home late,” she admitted.

“What do you mean hurt you?” she asked with a roll of her eyes. 

“I mean what Mrs. Adaar said yesterday is true,” Elyssa whispered. She stared pleadingly at her mother, begging her for once to just believe her. Hoping that she would listen to her and not let another one of her abusers in. Praying that she would just do like Elyssa always thought mothers were supposed to and protect her.

“Really?” her mother growled, her anger directed at Elyssa, “are you really going to sit here and tell me that Anders just sat by while his best friend supposedly assaulted you? Why would he do that?”

“He didn’t sit by, he left,” Elyssa clarified, “I don’t know if he knew what Justice was going to do or not, but he certainly wasn’t there to stop him!”

“Why would he just leave you alone with his friend if he knew something like that was going to happen?” she asked, her tone indicating that she believed nothing Elyssa was saying.

“Because I cheated on him,” Elyssa admitted. Maybe telling her mother the truth would help her believe what she was saying. 

“Elyssa, I don’t have time for this bullshit,” her mother growled.

“I’m telling you the truth!” Elyssa protested, “why won’t you believe me?”

“Maybe because you’re a whore?” her mother threw back.

“How?!” Elyssa asked incredulously.

“You just admitted to cheating on your boyfriend of three years and now you’re claiming that his best friend raped you,” her mother answered, “and I don’t believe Justice would do something like that.”

Elyssa lifted up one of the sleeves of her shirt, revealing the bruises that were still a clear sign of Justice’s abuse of her. “This is his fucking handprint!” Elyssa cried, “will you believe the physical evidence?!”

“Mrs. Alerion, I didn’t mean to bruise her,” Justice defended, “she was just being so hysterical after she admitted to Anders that she cheated on him and he got rightfully upset. I was just trying to hold her still until she calmed down. I didn’t realize I was holding her so roughly.” His coverup was smooth, his delivery flawless. He had turned around what Elyssa admitted and made it seem as if she had been the reason she had been hurt. But she had been, hadn’t she? That was something he had made clear when it happened. That it was her fault. That she did it to herself. 

“Of course,” her mother smiled warmly at Justice, her tone apologetic, “I understand. Elyssa has a tendency to be a  _ bit _ overdramatic.” She stepped to the side to let them in. Elyssa stood there, frozen once more. She couldn’t believe how easily her mother had believed Justice. Her own mother had refused to believe her, but immediately accepted the excuse of the man that had hurt her. 

Elyssa waited until they had gone into the dining room and her mother had shut the door before speaking again. “How can you just disregard me like that?” she whispered, “Do I not matter to you?”

“When you act like a whore, you get treated like one,” her mother responded, somehow repeating the same words that Justice had growled at her, “you deserved what Justice did to you.” she pointed to the still exposed bruises on Elyssa’s arm. Elyssa knew that was what she was talking about because she refused to believe Justice did any more than bruise her a little bit. Still, Elyssa felt as if she were telling her she deserved the rest of what Justice did as well. It was her punishment. The burden she was meant to carry because of the sin she had committed against Anders. The life she had to live for everything that had happened. And it was a life she was getting really tired of living.


	15. Would Anyone Care (TRIGGER WARNING)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elyssa loses the battle with her loneliness and depression, taking the only way out she can see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING FOR DESCRIPTIONS OF A SUICIDE ATTEMPT!  
> This chapter - named after the song Would Anyone Care sung by Citizen Soldier - is very heavy, dark, and depressing. There are roughly 1.4 million attempted suicides every year; an average that is dangerously high. There are places to go and people you can talk to if you feel this is a path you feel close to going down. The number for the national suicide hotline is 800-273-8255. Please don't hesitate to call if you need to. You matter to someone and you're irreplaceable.
> 
> I picked this song because it talks about the question that goes through Elyssa's mind, the question she believes she knows the answer to - would anyone care?

The gentle tapping of raindrops against the roof echoed around Solas. He stopped drawing for a moment and listened, letting his thoughts drift to the elven girl down the road and a pleasant conversation they once had. Elyssa loved the rain. She loved the sound the rain made as it fell onto the roof of a house. She loved the way the drops of water against the window seemed to race to the ledge, leaving behind unique overlapping lines as they fell. She loved the way the dirtiness of the world was washed away for a short time. Most of all she loved how, when it rained, it was as though the dirty, sin-filled world was getting washed clean. He remembered the intense passion she had spoken with, telling him all of these things. He remembered the distant look in her eyes, the way one corner of her mouth turned up into a half-smile. His thoughts turned to the questions he tended to ask himself every hour since he had enforced the walls between them. Where was she now? What was she doing? Was she okay? Was someone with her, reminding her to smile and laugh? Was she happy?

How fitting was it that it had begun raining now. Now, when Elyssa felt as though everything she kept so carefully bottled was on the verge of spilling over. Never had she felt so overwhelmed yet so numb. A thousand thoughts swirled through her mind. A thousand questions she wanted to ask. A thousand things she wanted to say. But it didn’t matter. It had been made abundantly clear to her that she didn’t matter. She was a fool to have ever thought she had. Someone like her didn’t matter. She was damaged, broken, a burden, unwanted, and unloved. No one could love a broken girl.

Elyssa thought of kind blue eyes. Eyes that had never once held malice or pity when they looked at her. She thought of the soft smile that had so often been for her, making her day bearable. Gentle fingers that had brushed away hair and tears alike. Strong arms that had held her while she cried. If there was ever a point in time where she needed these things, it was now. 

With shaking fingers she dialed the numbers she had programmed into her phone weeks ago but never had the courage to call. Did she have the courage now? She needed him, of that she was certain. But did he need her? He was always so strong, so confident, so sure of himself. It wasn’t possible. There was no way someone like Solas could need someone like her. With more force than necessary, she erased the number on the screen. If Anders and her mother didn’t want her, how could Solas? 

Elyssa knew she needed to work today, it was Friday, and still the holiday weekend after all.  _ Maybe it will help, who knows, _ she thought blandly. She dressed slowly, still foggy and sore from everything that had happened. She had only wanted to make things right, to break up with Anders and let him be free. She should have known he didn't care about her, the signs had been there for months. She had been blind, refusing to believe what was right in front of her. Then, when she had wanted nothing more than comfort, her mother had told her she deserved it. Deserved it, like it was a  _ good _ thing, what Justice had done to her. Elyssa thought that mothers were supposed to be comforting and supportive, especially when she had told her what had happened to her. But she had believed Anders and Justice over physical evidence that had been right in her face. What was so wrong with Elyssa that even her mother couldn’t show her love and kindness? 

Once dressed, she grabbed her blue umbrella and stepped into the rain, the only friend she had now. The shade of her umbrella reminded her of the blue dress shirt Solas had worn to the dance and the painful memories of what happened afterward. Normally, she would drive to work, but today she hoped the walk would clear her head. She couldn’t shake the heavy cloud of numbness that consumed her mind. The feeling that she was an outsider in her own body. She had been with Anders for years. It hadn’t always been bad. There was a time when she felt he had cared about her before he knew about her past before he had met Justice. Part of her wished for that time again, when life was just a little simpler, a little less daunting. Even with all the fighting and pain, Anders had caused her, he had been a constant in her life for a long time. Something that was always there. Something that had kept her grounded in some of her darker moments because she had believed he wanted her. She no longer had that constant. She knew now that he never wanted her, not after she had told him the truth. And she couldn’t even blame him. She was the one who was broken. She was the one who had cheated on him. It was her fault, just like her mother and Justice had said.

* * *

The whirring sound of automatic doors opening was the first sound Solas heard as he stepped out of the rain and entered the store. It was like stepping into another dimension. A place where the troubles of the world could be left outside while one focused on gathering art supplies. It was a comfort for him to be able to do just that. He normally ordered supplies online or went to the larger crafts store in town. Today, however, he had been drawn to the local art store. It was small but had a comfortable and almost homey feel about it. It was a place that he could let go of everything that had happened in the last forty-eight hours. Looking around, Solas wasn’t able to see any employees in the immediate vicinity. It couldn’t be too hard to find what he needed when he was used to shopping in a larger store. At least, that’s what he had believed before he had seen the vast amount of supplies the store carried. He would need help locating what he needed. 

The low haunting notes of Christina Perri’s ' The Lonely' sounded through the speakers of the store. The music was just quiet enough for Solas to hear an achingly familiar female voice a few aisles over, singing along with the violin and accompanying vocals. And here he had thought he would be able to let go easily. The Gods were surely laughing at him right now.

_ “Broken pieces of a barely breathing story. Where there once was love, now there’s only me and the lonely. Dancing slowly in an empty room. Can the lonely take the place of you? I sing myself a quiet lullaby. Let you go and let the lonely in to take my heart again.” _

The woman singing did so as if she felt the lyrics move through her. Each note was hit with passion, giving the song a personal feel. Solas followed the female’s soft soprano voice until he was standing at the end of the painting supplies aisle. A couple of shelves down, atop a ladder, was a young woman with auburn-rooted ashen white hair and soft, alabaster skin that he knew intimately. The lids of her eyes were closed, dark lashes slick with wet tears that slid down her face. She was oblivious to his presence, swaying softly to the rise and fall of the song’s piano. Forgotten in her hands were several brushes she had been putting back in their rightful places. Solas was torn between alerting her of his presence or continuing to listen to her sing. His decision was made when the girl turned his way to put away one of the brushes. Jade green eyes locked onto him. Her alabaster face paled except for bright crimson cheeks.

“Solas?!” She went to take a step towards him, forgetting she was three steps up a short ladder. The sound of metallic brush handles clattering to the floor rang through Solas’s ears. In a blur of motion, she began her descent to the floor. Solas ran the short distance to the ladder, barely making it in time to catch her petite frame in his arms. She winced as he caught her squarely on the still healing bruises on her legs and lower back.

“Elyssa, you really should be more careful,” he scolded with a worried breath.

“You shouldn’t be sneaking up on me then,” Elyssa huffed, “what are you doing here anyway?” She hadn’t meant to sound so harsh. She just hadn’t been prepared to see Solas today at her job in all places. Subconsciously, she wiped away the tears that had fallen while she sang. It didn’t matter in retrospect, Solas had seen her cry before, but now he was part of the reason for the tears she shed. They had escaped as she sang about the lonely feeling that echoed in her heart. The loneliness she had felt since Solas rejected her. The mental isolation she had been subjected to since coming home from the hospital after what Justice had done. It had all hit her at once as she sang. How much pain she was suffering. How little it mattered to anyone else. How she had made so many mistakes she couldn’t fix. Most of all, how alone she was in the world.

“I do believe this is a store in which one can find art supplies,” Solas chuckled.

“So you're shopping?’ Elyssa tilted her head in question. Her voice lacked the usual teasing humor she had with him. Her voice lacked emotion and was almost entirely monotoned. Her eyes shifted to and from him, unable to focus on anything, and her face was paler than normal.

“I am attempting to do so, yes,” he answered. Solas set her down, letting her stand on her own feet. Subconsciously, he took a step away from Elyssa putting some distance between them. The movement did not go unnoticed by Elyssa. Her uneven lips furrowed into a harsh frown and Solas could see moisture pooling in her green eyes. His heart squeezed in his chest. He wanted to comfort her, to tell her that he didn’t move away because he didn’t want her. He had set boundaries because they needed them. Elyssa would never be able to live a happy life with someone her age if he kept distracting her. He wanted nothing more than to give in to his desires and be with Elyssa, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to give her what she deserved. He had a past that had scarred him. It had made him hesitant to open his heart up to anyone. Elyssa had already penetrated his walls further than most. But that was all the more reason to put some distance between them.

“Elyssa, are you all right?” he asked, his tone laced with concern. She merely raised a slender eyebrow at him, as if to say, _ Are you serious? _ and fell back into the role of art store employee, and asked him what he needed.

Elyssa helped him find the items he had been looking for without really speaking to him. Solas wished he could ask her about last night, what had happened to her. He wished there was some way he could explain why he put the distance between them. All that would do was lead to more questions. Questions he wasn’t sure he was ready to answer. Elyssa had shared everything with him, bared her heart to him. And he couldn’t find the courage to do the same. How could he say he wanted her if he couldn’t be honest with her? It was wrong for him to love her for the courage he was afraid to show. Salem had been right when she said Andruil was still controlling his life. He was letting the fear she had bestowed upon him in their relationship keep him from committing to another. The worst part being  _ he _ was the one letting it keep him from Elyssa. Letting it keep him from a woman with so much compassion, strength, and wisdom. Someone who had proven time and again that she cared. She was perfect in so many ways and he was letting it slip by because he was afraid to tell her the truth. Afraid that she wouldn’t accept him. Afraid of what would happen if she did. He paid for his items and walked out into the rain, away from her and all the things he wished he could have.

* * *

Why did he have to show up, today of all days? The last person she wanted to see. The only person she wanted. The one she could never have. He’d dared to ask if she was all right, after making it abundantly clear that he didn’t want her. Had he noticed anything? The redness of her eyes from crying? The way she hardly laughed or smiled at his attempts at jokes? Or possibly the way her hands shook when she had handed him his bag? Elyssa wanted to tell him her thoughts from this morning. How badly she had wanted to call him. How much she needed the comfort his presence usually brought her. She wanted to tell him what Justice had done, what Anders let happen. Then, he had stepped away from her and she remembered that he didn’t want her either. He may have said that it was because of the age difference as well as her being his student, but she knew the truth. She knew that everyone who found out about the damage she carried with her didn’t want her. Her mother had stopped wanting her the day she found out. Anders had tried to look past it for a time, but in the end, he hadn’t wanted her because of it either. No one would ever be able to get past that piece of baggage. 

Her shift ended and she was walking past the small cafe near the art store when a familiar voice resounded in her ears. She glanced around and saw Solas standing near a table outside, a beautiful woman with raven hair and predatory grey eyes hanging on him intimately. It had barely been a week since the Homecoming dance! It hadn’t even been a full seven days and he had forgotten about her. Of all the people to mean absolutely nothing to, she would have thought Solas wouldn't have been one. She had thought he cared about her. That she had truly been wanted even for a brief moment. But just like everyone else in her life, he had used her then discarded her after he was done.

She knew then that she truly didn’t matter to anyone. Not to her mother who had yelled at her and blamed her for things she couldn’t help. Not to Anders who had tossed away years as if she had been a piece of gum stuck to his shoe. Not to Solas who had made it clear he would never be with her and already moved on. And certainly not to life that passed by every day with nothing but different kinds of pain for her. 

If she didn’t matter, then why was she here? Why continue going through the motions day after day, knowing she was doomed to nothing but a life of pain because of the careless actions of her grandfather? Did it even matter to him? Did he regret anything about his actions? Did he even care that he had viciously snatched away any chance she’d had at a normal happy life? Or was that just one more person she didn’t matter to?

When she got home, she saw that everyone had gone out for the evening, leaving her alone. How fitting that she was physically alone when she felt the most alone. Even the rain had stopped. Why was she always alone? Why didn’t anyone care about her? Why was she so unlovable? Why was she alive? She didn’t want to be. And from the way everyone seemed to move on with their lives as if she weren’t there anyway, it was obvious no one else wanted her to be either. It was time to do something about that. It was time she finally did something for herself and took the pain away.

Elyssa knew her mother had recently refilled the prescription for her stepdad’s injured shoulder. With shaking hands, she opened the medicine cabinet that was never locked, easily finding the full bottle of little grey pills. Heart thundering, she ran back to her bedroom. She looked around at the small space she called her own. The bed with a dark blue comforter she had spent countless nights bundled inside, crying herself to sleep. The small bookshelf filled with various sketchbooks she had spent too much time drawing in just to distract herself from the pain. It was full of too many memories of times spent alone. She was tired of being alone. She didn’t want to feel alone anymore.

In a small box at the foot of her bed sat the items she held dear. She grabbed the sketchbook and the too-big beige sweater Solas had given her. She pulled the sweater over her head and went to the bathroom she shared with her sisters. It was small but it didn’t have the ominous feeling of loneliness her bedroom did. She filled the small glass she kept on the sink with water. Her hands shook so violently that she dropped the cup into the sink and had to refill it twice. When she finally succeeded in filling the cup, she went over to the tub. Her hands didn’t shake as badly as she put the plug over the drain and turned on the hot water. While she waited for the tub to fill, she went back to the sink where her glass of water sat next to the bottle of pills. She couldn’t hear the sound of the water splashing into the tub over the sound of her pounding heart. Again, her hands shook to the point of nearly spilling everything into the sink. She managed to pour a small handful of pills into her palm and raised her hand to her lips, letting the small pills fall into her mouth. She took a large gulp of her water then repeated the process two more times, unsure of how many of the tiny pills she had consumed. It didn’t matter, though. She just wanted the pain to end. Soon, it would all end.

When the tub was filled almost to the brim with water, she turned off the faucets. She stripped out of her clothes except for her undergarments and the sweater and climbed into the water. The hot water felt like a warm embrace to her. A small piece of comfort in this lonely life. She was very careful not to get the sketchbook she carried with her wet. She flipped through all the pictures she had drawn of Solas. All the warm smiles and kind eyes she had drawn over and over again. Even the person who had shown her the kindness that had inspired these drawings couldn’t love her. 

With a heart-wrenching sob, she threw the sketchbook onto the floor, startling the cat that had followed her into the bathroom. She couldn’t bear the look of the kind eyes anymore. The eyes of someone she thought she could trust. Someone she thought had cared. Tears streamed down her face and her vision began to blur. From the tears or the pills she didn’t know, but she panicked. What was she doing? Was she really giving up? All the memories and pain flooded her mind. Yes, that was exactly what she was doing. What did she have to live for anyway? 

Images of Solas laughing, smiling, talking happily with her, comforting her flashed through her mind. He had been so kind to her, helped her so much. He didn’t deserve this, even if he had moved on rather quickly. She had to talk to him. She had to tell him why. She had to tell him she was sorry for what she was doing. That she was sorry for all the trouble she had caused him. She was beginning to feel lightheaded, almost fuzzy. Desperately, she reached for the phone she had set on the ledge of the toilet near the tub. She dialed the number she had been too scared to call that morning and waited.

It seemed an eternity passed before she finally heard him pick up. "Hello?" 

Elyssa couldn't find the words to speak. Panic and confusion had consumed her. "Hello?"

Her breathing was slowing, and she found it was becoming increasingly difficult to keep her eyes open. Her heart painfully skipped a beat, trying to push oxygen through her body. There wasn't much time left.

"Solas?" She asked in a small, tear-filled voice.

"Elyssa?" Part of him sounded relieved to finally know who was calling. Another part was laced with worry. "Elyssa, are you ok ?" 

A raspy breath escaped her as she tried to speak past the knot in her throat. “Elyssa? Are you all right? Please, vhenan, talk to me,” she heard him plead. She fought the fog that was filling her mind just long enough to swallow hard and whisper, “I'm scared…” The last thing she heard was someone calling her name before everything faded to darkness.


	16. Say Something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas runs into someone from his past, receives a disturbing phone call, and rushes to save everything he cares about before its too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was named after the song Say Something sung by the Pentatonix, originally sung and written by A Great Big World. I picked this song because, though it is about a break up I feel it speaks a lot about how Solas is realizing he feels about Elyssa. That he made a mistake in trying to reject her and just needs her to say something, to come back, so he can tell her this. Please read, review, and let me know how you're enjoying the story.

Solas left the little art store and stepped back out into the rain, rounding the corner and crossing the street. He leaned against the brick wall of the little cafe, raising his face to the sky and took a deep breath. He knew he should have just walked out when he saw that Elyssa worked there. Not stood there gawking like a love-sick teenager. But then she had spotted him and nearly broke her neck falling off of her ladder. He had tried to catch her gently, but he didn't miss the wince of pain when his arms had caught her right on some of the bruises she still had. Anger flashed through his chest, still desperately wanting to get his hands on whoever had hurt her that way. Then the look of sheer heartbreak on her face when he had moved away from her. He hated himself for putting that look there.

He went inside the cafe and ordered a cup of the same tea he would give Elyssa at lunch. She said that she had noticed the face he would make when she drank it. He normally hated tea, but today he didn't care. He took a sip and shuddered, staring at the cup with an arched brow. How anyone could like this stuff, he would never know. Still, he slowly sipped on the bitter drink, torturing himself with memories. Once he was finished, he ordered a large cup of hot cider to go and walked out of the shop. He was fumbling with his umbrella when a voice called out to him and made his stomach drop.

"There you are, my wolf. Trying to find you is as bad as hunting Father's halla. I've missed you," Andruil said in her sultry Ferelden accent. She stepped toward him and ran a crimson fingernail down his chest. Solas stood frozen, fear clouding his thoughts. "So when are you going to come home?" She then laid her hand flat on his chest and moved her way toward curling it around the back of his neck. How many times had those very hands hurt him? How many scratches, slaps, fistfuls of skin? He shivered at the memories of the pain suffered at these very hands. Andruil felt his body tremble beneath her hand, a large predatory smile stretching across her face.

"What in Thedas are you doing here, Andruil?" Solas managed to whisper. Her sharp grey eyes pierced him. He had once thought her the most beautiful woman he had ever seen when they met in high school. Her night-black hair fell in soft curls to the center of her back, she was just shy of a foot shorter than him, her lips were plush and red, and in his naivety, he hadn't seen the feral fangs behind them. He had been so naive then. He had let her use him as she saw fit, believing when she told him he would never find anyone better. Believing that she had loved him. It was all so painfully clear now the only thing she loved more than herself, was seeing him in pain.

"You didn't answer any of my voicemails, and I wanted to see you," she pressed herself closer to him, using light pressure on the back of his neck to discourage him from moving away. "I've missed you, Solas. I want you to come home, where you belong," she purred. She ran her thumb down the back of his neck and leaned forward, capturing his lips. Solas' body had frozen with shock. Her lips were soft, full, and tasted of dark cherries. At one time, he believed her mouth to be the most delicious taste in the world. Believed her lips were the best feeling. Believed her to be the most amazing creature. Until she had shown him her true self.

Solas' eyes widened in surprise when a flash of a blue umbrella caught his eye. He pulled away from Andruil in time to see Elyssa staring at him from across the street, a look of painful horror on her face. Before he could do anything, she turned and ran in the opposite direction. Something in him snapped just then. All of the twisted games and abuse he had suffered through with Andruil. All of the nights he spent in the arms of different women after she had left him, all of the nightmares he had lived and dreamt flew through his mind. He was done. He grabbed Andruil by the shoulders and pushed her away from him, her eyes narrowing in anger.

"We are through, Andruil. We have been for a long time. I'm not going back there, and especially not with you. I don't know what you hoped to accomplish here, but it won't work. Go home," he growled.

"You've changed, Solas," she stated, her tone clear with displeasure, "I remember when you would call me Andri, give me whatever I wanted. Where is that Solas?" Her eyes were hard with cruelty. Her lips turned down into a frown. Her eyebrows furrowed together unpleasantly. It was a look that had once paralyzed him with fear. Right now, however, he couldn't care less how displeased Andruil was. That look that had been on Elyssa's face seized his heart more than Andruil's scowl ever could.

"That Solas died the day you left to avoid the repercussions of your actions," Solas growled harshly.

"So you're content to sit there with a bunch of bratty teenagers, teaching them how to draw and paint art as if it mattered?" Andruil scoffed.

"I'm content with any life that doesn't have you in it," Solas spat, his body beginning to shake with anger.

"Need I remind you who holds your damn leash, wolf? You're nothing without me!" she spat back. Her eyes were hard and filled with malice. The last time Solas had seen eyes that cruel had been that dreadful time in the Frostbacks with her. When he had thought they'd had a chance to repair their twisted, mangled relationship. How utterly wrong he'd been.

The memories of the extent she had gone through just to make him hurt in new ways turned the blood in Solas' veins to fire. He had worked hard to get over her, to start over as best he could, to learn how to laugh and smile again. It hadn't even been until recently that he had even truly done so. He was going to be damned if he let Andruil waltz back into his life and steal whatever happiness he had. "I hold my leash, Andruil. Stay the fuck away from me," he ordered, his body vibrating with the intensity of not only his anger but also his fear. He'd never stood up to Andruil before, not like this. "Don't call me, don't follow me, nothing. I'm done playing your sick games. Go find another toy to play with and torture, or ten. I don't care!" Solas turned around and walked away from her. He was still shaking when he made it back to his house.

Who did Andruil think she was? How dare she come back as if she hadn't almost killed him. Solas had told Elyssa that there had to be boundaries between them. Andruil was the reason for those boundaries. How could he open himself up to trust again when it had almost killed him last time? But seeing Elyssa's pain, hearing her cries... It had hurt much, much more than he had anticipated. Elyssa hadn't had a clue about his past. The twisted games Andruil would play, pouncing on every secret, every insecurity, anything she could, and viciously warped it to use against him. One minute she would be lavishing him with love and devotion, and the next he would find her lounging in the arms of another, laughing and sneering at him as though she gained immense pleasure from seeing the tormented looks he gave her. Three years he had endured countless forms of her emotional abuse. The last year of their relationship being the worst Solas fled from the memories that threatened to surface to the spare room he had set up as a studio. He began sketching something onto one of the larger canvases he had, not noticing nor caring what the subject was. When he was finished sketching his outline, he took a step back to appraise it. His heart beat painfully slow in his chest as he recognized the image he had unknowingly drawn. He had sketched out a female elf with ash white hair and soft, jade green eyes, holding a fiery red and orange poppy in her hands, a single tear sliding down her cheek. He missed her so much his heart shattered at the thought of her. He had just seen her but he had pushed her so far away it felt as if mere hours had been eons ago. He looked at the beginnings of the painting, the sketch of the person he wanted most. Solas had nearly made up his mind to destroy the piece when his cell phone rang.

"Hello?" he said into the receiver. There was no response, but he could hear the sound of water gently sloshing and labored breathing. Who had called him? "Hello?" he said once more. He was suddenly filled with an ominous sense of dread. He knew that whoever had called him, hadn't done so for a pleasant conversation.

" _Solas?"_ the tear-filled voice of Elyssa finally sounded from the other line. His heart paused in its beating, his lungs refusing to take in air. She had never called him before, so why was she calling him now?

"Elyssa?" Solas answered, trying not to let his overwhelming concern bleed into his voice. She hadn't answered, so he tried once more. "Elyssa, are you okay?" A rattling, shallow breath was all he heard, along with another splash of water. "Elyssa, are you alright? Please, vhenan, talk to me," he pleaded.

" _I'm scared…"_ she whispered. His entire body went cold as the pieces finally clicked into place. The sounds of water, the quietness of her voice, and the way she sounded as if she were having trouble breathing. _No…_

"Elyssa! Answer me!" he yelled into the phone, desperation filling his voice, his breathing coming in sharp, painful gasps. "Elys-" He was cut off by another splash of water and the line went dead.

Everything Solas had been trying so desperately to hold in snapped. In less than a minute he was on the phone with Salem. He kept his explanation brief and informative. Right now was not the time for lengthy conversations. Right now he had to get to Elyssa. He had to see if she was alright, but every sense of his being knew that she wasn't. She wouldn't have called him if she were okay. She wouldn't have told him she was scared. The line wouldn't have cut off so abruptly.

He ran the short distance to her house, fear and terror pounding through every step. He saw only her blue Ranger in the driveway. It was likely she was alone, but why? Didn't her mother understand that the last thing she needed right now was to be alone? Salem had said she refused to believe the truth about what Elyssa went through a few nights prior; but was her lack of concern for her oldest daughter that extensive? He cautiously turned the knob for the front door, opening it with no resistance. At first, he heard no sounds coming from inside the house. The silence did nothing to calm his fears. He quickly glanced through the first few rooms on the ground floor. It became apparent that there were no bedrooms downstairs, and therefore likely that - wherever she may be - Elyssa was not downstairs. He began making his way upstairs when he was greeted to the sight of a large grey tipped brown and black striped tabby cat, a pink collar jingling softly around its neck. Its tail waved back and forth with hurried, determined movements as if to get his attention. Its mouth set against a patch of white fur was turned down. Large yellow eyes stared up at him, obviously not happy. He continued walking up the stairs, the cat following. As soon as he made it up the stairs, the cat made a beeline for an open door down the hall. Something inside of Solas told him to follow, told him this was where he needed to be. What it didn't tell him, was how to be prepared for the horror that was unfolded before him.

In a small tub opposite the door, was a petite body in a familiar sweater. Her head had sunk below the almost overfilled tub. Splayed out on the floor beside the tub was a sketchbook. On the ledge of the sink was a small orange bottle toppled over onto its side. His heart stopped beating, his body was frozen unable to move for the slightest of seconds. Then, like a train of adrenaline crashing into him, he was running into motion.

"Elyssa!" He yelled panic and despair threatening to overcome him.

His feet couldn't carry him fast enough to the tub. Heart beating frantically, he reached into the tub, wincing at the overheated temperature of the water. He wound one arm under her legs, the other under her neck close to her shoulders. He pulled her out of the tub, cradling her soaking body close to his chest, not caring that he was getting soaked in the process. With wild eyes, he glanced over her small frame. A new round of panic flooded his veins. She wasn't breathing. He turned around the room, still holding Elyssa close, to find what had caused her to stop breathing. His eyes were drawn to the orange bottle on the sink. She must have taken some kind of prescription medication. He set her down gently onto the cool tile of the floor. He snatched the bottle off the sink, reading the name and date of the prescription speedily. She had taken almost a full bottle of narcotics. "No-no-no-Elyssa-NO!" His words strung together as he fell to his knees beside the unconscious girl. He had taken enough first aid classes to know he needed to get the pills out of her system, and quickly. He prayed she would forgive him whenever she came to. He stuck two fingers into her mouth, pushing until he hit the back of her throat. Gently wiggling, he moved his fingers a little deeper, accomplishing his goal. She coughed and threw up onto the floor beside her. Her eyes never opened, but she began breathing.

Solas pulled her into his lap, away from the contents he was able to get from her stomach. He cradled her, softly rocking back and forth as he buried his head into the dripping folds of her hair. He didn't try to stop the tears that fell down his face, nor the cries of anguish that racked through him. "Don't leave me, Elyssa," he begged in a whisper, "I need you. I need you here with me. Please wake up… please don't leave me, vhenan."

It felt as though centuries had passed before Salem arrived with Bull and the paramedics. Solas fought as they tried to take Elyssa from his arms. He couldn't let her go. He couldn't leave her for fear that he would never see her again. He watched in silent panic as they worked on her in the back of the ambulance as they rode to the hospital. He couldn't believe it had come to this. That she saw no other way out. She had been through so much in her short life. She had suffered so much pain and heartache. Pain and heartache that he had contributed to by sleeping with her and then pushing her away. He had been such a fool, and if Elyssa died now, he would never stop blaming himself.

When they reached the hospital, Elyssa was wheeled in on a stretcher no closer to life than she had been when Solas found her. A kindly male nurse in glaringly bright pink scrubs sympathetically informed Solas he couldn't go any further. At first, Solas wanted to argue and fight. It wasn't until Salem laid a gentle grey hand on his shoulder that he realized he needed to stay out of the way if there was to be any hope for Elyssa. He needed to let Nurse Pavus and his colleagues do their jobs and attempt to save the life of the woman he loved. With a sad nod, he agreed to stay in the waiting room until they had a better idea of what was going to happen. Salem came with him, the look on her face far from pleased. She looked almost as afraid as he felt.

"Solas, what happened?" Salem sighed.

"I-I don't know," he stammered, falling into one of the empty seats. "I saw her at the art store I decided to shop at, just a few hours ago. She didn't seem in the best mood, but I didn't think she was so upset she would resort to suicide!" _Breathe in. Breathe out. It will be okay. It_ has _to be okay._ He couldn't live the rest of his life not seeing that beautiful, dimpled smile Elyssa had again. Without hearing the musical sound of her laughter. Without seeing the loving look her eyes held for him. He needed her to be okay.

"Salem, I can't lose her," his lip quivered and he stared at his friend with pleading eyes.

"Solas, there has to be more to this than, 'she saw you at her workplace,'" Salem began pacing, no doubt thinking of logical reasons Elyssa would choose now to try to end her life.

"She saw me with Andruil after she got off work," Solas admitted, his head held in shame, "the look on her face… she looked so heartbroken."

Salem rounded on Solas, a hard look in her eyes. "You were with Andruil?" She growled.

"It's not what you think," Solas sighed, "I'm not stupid enough to go back to her. Though she tried,"

"How exactly did she try?" Salem asked with a raised eyebrow in question. She was familiar with Andruil and her methods. She had seen Solas fall for them all before. She knew how hard it had been for Solas to get over her after she had left him. Andruil coming back after so long wasn't good in the slightest.

"Her usual tricks. Telling me she missed me, that I was nothing without her. Then she kissed me."

Understanding dawned in Salem's eyes. "Elyssa saw the kiss, didn't she?" Solas simply nodded his head, his breath catching in his throat. Had that been the final straw for Elyssa? Was he the reason she didn't want to live anymore? A strangled sob escaped his throat, tears falling like rain from his eyes. He had been so stupid, so foolish, so selfish. He had reached out and grabbed something he knew better than to take, and then tossed it away in selfish fear. He had wanted Elyssa so badly, he hadn't at all concerned himself with how it was going to affect her. He didn't know what he had expected that night, but it hadn't been for her to tell him she loved him. He had been surprised, exhilarated, and terrified. He wished he could turn back the hands of time. There were so many things he could have - should have - done differently; beginning with telling her that he loved her too.

Nurse Pavus came into the waiting room before Salem could say anything more. His brows furrowed and his mustache was stretched downward with his lips in a frown. Solas's heart pounded in his chest, he couldn't breathe. Elyssa had to be okay. She had to….

"We have her stabilized," the nurse said, "now we just wait for her to wake up."


	17. Things Left Unsaid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone waits for Elyssa to wake up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N This chapter's title comes from the song Things Left Unsaid sung by Disciple. I picked this song because it is about waiting until its too late to say the things you need to, just as Solas has. The song playing on the radio -and the song Elyssa was singing at the art store - is The Lonely by Christina Perri. Thank you so much for reading. Please read, review, and let me know what you think!

Darkness. Everything around her was pitch black, no color, no light. It floated around her, cradling her like a mother clutching her newborn babe. It was warm, comfortable, filled with a peace that danced around her like leaves in the wind. Swirling around her, lifting multiple different strands of her hair, flirting with the sleeves of the sweater she wore. It consumed her. It _was_ her. 

Bright hues of blue and green flashed before her, opening the darkness to a familiar scene. Five groups of four wooden-topped metal desks sat, their fronts all turned inward to make a table. Then there was the one desk that stood apart from the rest. Her desk. The desk she had moved closer to and away from Solas's desk. In that desk - today it was turned and pushed right up against the front of his desk - sat an all-too-familiar version of herself. Her hair was ash-white up to the smallest hint of the darker brown roots she tried to keep covered. Solas sat across from her, a half-eaten ham sandwich and bottle of tea between them. He was looking at her, a pleasant light illuminating his eyes, a genuine smile lifting the corners of his mouth. The other, older yet younger, version of her laughed at whatever he had said. She didn't need to hear to know they were quizzing each other on underappreciated art and literature. Solas had just joked with her, telling her she could start teaching class from now on, being as she knew so much. She had been roughing an outline for the portrait she drew for his birthday. His smile soon evaporated, as did her laughter and they settled back into their appropriate roles. Even then, there had been walls between them.

A sudden intensity flooded her vision, this time the colors being white and red. A dimly-lit room spread out before her, a red cup sloshing with a yellow-orange liquid in the older version of her’s shaking hands. Second-hand raggedy couches were the only thing that stood between this version of her and Justice. She immediately shied away from the scene playing out before her. She didn't want to look at the not so old version of her dancing in Anders and Justice's living room. She didn't want to see where this led to again. She didn't want to feel the pain, the guilt, the loneliness. She wanted to escape all of that, wasn't that the point? Hadn’t that been why she had done what she had? Left behind any chance of feeling cared for as she was in that one moment of blissful happiness she’d had at the dance? To never again suffer the agony she had when she finally realized that she didn’t matter to anyone. 

Turning with exasperation she sprinted away from the memories playing out before her. She willed her feet to carry her forward, to any place that wasn’t that dorm room. A soft green light, meager yet full of comfort enveloped her. It calmed her racing heart, guiding her away from the torment she didn't want to remember. Before her now was the images of Solas and herself admiring Van Gogh's sunflowers. Contented smiles were on their faces, their hands so close together they were almost touching. Elyssa remembered that day. The electricity and warmth that seemed to radiate from Solas. The laughter and knowledge they had shared. Solas hadn't treated her as merely a student, but rather an equal. It had been that day her walls had started to truly crumble. 

The light turned a darker green hue, pulling her towards another scene, another memory. This time she stood outside a darkened classroom staring intensely at Solas. The blue shirt he wore tucked into black slacks hugged the firmness of his thighs. Desire dominated his eyes, turning them from a bright blue to a stormy grey. She had been drawn to those eyes, to the desire that matched her own. She had invited him to her with her body and words. In that brief period, they were together, she had never felt happier, more beautiful, more wanted… Solas had raised her so high. Then with a few words she hadn't meant to speak aloud, she had brought herself crashing down.

“Please,” she cried to herself, to the darkness swaddling her, to anything that could hear her. “Please make it stop.” 

The soft vibration of a familiar baritone sounded in Elyssa’s ears. It’s poignant sound held so much excruciating pain, so much sorrow. Elyssa didn’t have to see the owner of the voice to know that he was crying. It was evident in every syllable, in every word. Solas was crying… for her. Why? He didn’t want her. Why was he crying now? _"Don't leave me, Elyssa,"_ he begged in a whisper, _"I need you. I need you here with me. Please wake up… please don't leave me, vhenan."_

Vhenan. He had called her vhenan, his heart. Elyssa’s mind swirled with thoughts: confusing, comforting, disturbing. All leading to one thing, one conclusion - this didn’t make any sense and therefore must not be real. It couldn’t be. Solas had been very clear when he said being with her had been a mistake, that it couldn’t happen again. And then she had just seen him with the beautiful, raven-haired woman. Someone who looked to be closer to Solas’ age. Someone beautiful enough to be seen next to Solas. Someone who appeared to be worthy of the kind devotion Solas had shown Elyssa. Someone who wasn’t broken. Someone who wasn’t her… 

“I’m so sorry ma vhenan,” Elyssa whispered, her voice echoing throughout the darkness that swaddled her, “you don’t need me. No one needs me...” Her breath hitched in her throat, refusing to leave her chest, refusing to give her any peace. Glistening wet streams of tears began flowing from her eyes. Her lower lip quivered, trying to hold in the cries and screams she so desperately wished to let go of. Her feet were once again carrying her into the darkness. Her heart pounded with every step, with every echo of her bare feet against a ground she couldn’t see. She paid no mind to where she was going. She didn’t care, as long as it wasn’t where she’d already been. Anywhere, even the memories of Justice were better than the cruel tricks her mind was playing on her now. Away she ran from the lies, from the familiar voice so full of sorrow, so full of heartbreak. Away from the thoughts that she had made a mistake. That she had taken away a chance she could have had at being happy. It was a trick, her mind making her suffer more before finally allowing her to succumb to the ebony darkness she desired to retreat to. Away from the fear, the uncertainty, the hope. Away from everything she knew and loved, from everything that knew and could have loved her…

* * *

Painful beats of her heart pounded in Salem’s chest. She was staring at a broken man. One somehow more broken than when Andruil had made it her mission to do so. He slumped in the chair next to Elyssa’s bed, arms wrapped around himself - holding himself together, staring weakly with dull grey eyes at this girl that had flipped his world upside down. Salem had once thought Solas to be the strongest man she knew, after The Iron Bull, of course. He had hardly shed a tear for the horrendous things Andruil had done. He had broken down, yes, but in an entirely different way. He had buried the pain in meaningless flings and art. Eventually, he had climbed out of the stupor he had been left in, focusing on just his art. He had begun to seem almost happy, content with his life. Now, here he sat, a shell of the man she thought she had known. It terrified her, but she didn’t know what to do for him. She didn’t know how to keep him from blaming himself like she knew he would if the worst were to happen. She didn’t know if he would even survive the depression he was already beginning to fall into if this girl didn’t wake up. Salem didn’t know much about Elyssa Lavellan, but she knew that she had captured the heart of her friend and broken down walls she never thought would come down. 

“Solas?” Salem said softly, approaching slowly. He didn’t acknowledge her. “Solas, there is nothing more we can do for her right now. Let’s get you home. I promise we will come back,” she continued gently.

“I’m not leaving her,” he responded flatly, not looking at her, “not again.” Salem’s heart broke at the sound of his voice. The way he seemed as if he were barely able to get the words out coherently, let alone deliver them with any emotion.

“Solas?” she said with guarded caution, “Can I ask you a question?”

“If you must,” he sighed, his eyes never leaving Elyssa.

“Solas, why does she mean so much to you?” She had to ask. She had to know. She needed to understand why her friend had fallen so deeply for someone that had been so off-limits. 

“Why wouldn’t she?” he answered, “I love her. Don’t the people you love mean everything to you? Would you not be sitting here, just as I am, if it were The Iron Bull in this bed? Would you not be spending every waking moment wondering if the one thing that mattered most to you was going to come back or leave you forever?” Solas took a deep breath before leveling the full intensity of his gaze on her. “Is that not what love is Salem? This agony I feel staring at the woman that brightened my world with a simple laugh, lying practically lifeless in a hospital bed. Was it not love I felt every time I saw her smile, saw her laugh, saw joy illuminate that gorgeous face of hers? Was it not love when I felt every tear, every cry, every stab of pain as if it were my own? I wanted what was best for her. I wanted her to be happy. I wanted her to smile, to laugh, to find joy in life where she had only found sorrow. I wanted all of this and more for her. Is that not love?” Every word was delivered with more intensity than the last, his voice finally taking on some modicum of emotion.

“Solas…” Salem was at a loss for words. What could she say to comfort her friend? What was there to say when he had spoken the truth? 

The elven man turned his sights back to Elyssa, a sad, soft smile on his face. “She reminded me so much of myself,” he murmured, “her art and the way it cried out in a way she couldn’t seem to. It was like looking in a mirror in a way." Salem saw the evidence of tears slide down his face, putting cracks in the heart that was already breaking for him. "I tried to help her as if I were in any position to do so. I tried to do my best to make sure she didn't have to feel the torment I had, to suffer day after day without anyone truly understanding what I was going through. Somewhere along the way, I found that _she_ was helping _me._ " A small chuckle, bleak and hollow, escaped his lips. "She was like no one else I had ever met. She was so passionate about art, literature, learning. She was so selfless, so kind, so damned caring that it was so easy to forget that she was supposed to be a student, nothing more. How could I not have fallen for someone who was the very opposite of everything I had known before? Everything good and true where there had only been lies and suffering?" His eyelids drifted closed now, no doubt imagining things that weren't the horrific site of Elyssa lying unmoving in a hospital bed. "The way her smile lit up her entire face; I've never seen anything so beautiful. And her laugh? There was no better music. She spoke with so much wisdom and understanding. She tried so hard to be what everyone wanted her to be, to keep all the negativity from affecting anyone else. She had so much courage, opening herself up to me, letting down the walls I refused to. I shouldn't have been such a selfish, prideful fool," Solas growled, "and maybe then I would be able to say this all to her. "

Salem sighed, “Solas, you need to go home.” She was met with narrowed eyes. “I understand you care about her a great deal,” she explained, “but you won’t be of any use to her if she wakes up and sees you like this.” He opened his mouth as if to argue. Salem immediately interrupted whatever he was about to say. “Don’t make me get Iron Bull,” she threatened. With a loud huff, Solas finally stood. He cast several worried glances towards Elyssa as he made his way to the door. “I promise I’ll call you if there’s any change,” Salem promised. With a nod of his head, Solas left. Salem watched him with worried eyes. She had more than one reason to do everything she could to help the young girl now.

* * *

Icy water cascaded down his back, his foggy mind barely registering the change in temperature. The water had been steaming when he’d gotten in. Had he been standing here that long? He’d done nothing but think of the events that had transpired in the past week. Finally holding Elyssa in his arms, the fear that came with her confession. The shrill sound of Andruil’s voice on the phone, the look of a cat stalking a mouse in her eyes. Elyssa showing up in tears at his house, Salem’s panic as they drove her to the hospital. Seeing Elyssa at the art store, hearing her sing so passionately, then hearing her speak to him with so little emotion. He should have seen. He should have realized. With a hard thud, he slammed his fist into the tile of his shower wall. Agonizing over the should-haves wasn’t going to help Elyssa now.

Sleep was out of the question. Solas didn’t even bother to try. His mind was still swirling with the images of Elyssa unconscious, underwater. All he could hear was the shallow, unsettling breaths she had begun taking after he had made her vomit. How could he sleep when this was all he could see and hear? How could he sleep when she was still no further from Death’s door than she had been when he found her? No, he wouldn’t worry about sleep right now. He would find something else to pass the time until he could go back to Elyssa.

He wandered into his studio, the canvas he had just finished sketching before Elyssa called still on his easel. He stared at the sketch, studying the expression on her face. The girl in the painting was wearing a mask over her pain, a single tear rolling down her cheek being the only tell-tale sign of her underlying sorrow. This was the Elyssa that everyone else saw. This was the girl that sat quietly in the back of the class, hardly saying a word. This wasn’t the beautiful young woman he had come to love. The woman with wind-chime laughter and a smile that could thaw anyone’s heart. The woman that had understood him so profoundly without even really trying. The woman that had shared herself piece by piece until she stood there, an open book and open heart. The woman that was kind and wise beyond her age. That had penetrated and broken the walls he had spent so long building. This painting wasn’t _his_ Elyssa, and he needed to fix that. 

Turning his stereo almost all the way up, just to drown out the sound of his thoughts, he went to work. He spent the next few hours drawing, erasing, and redrawing a new sketch of Elyssa. One that showed her true beauty, that captured her spirit. He focused on the playful glimmer her eyes shone with when she laughed, the dimples that formed in her cheeks when she smiled. He paid careful attention to making sure the nose was scrunched ever-so-slightly, just as Elyssa’s was when she was happy. He took his time ensuring that her upper lip was exactly the right amount thinner than the bottom one that pouted out just a little. He drew her hair falling in erratic, soft waves framing her face in a more wild and carefree way. Only when he was sure he got the exact details right did he stop to take a look at the overall picture. 

This Elyssa was happy, mid-laugh, her eyes glistening with humor. This was the Elyssa he had seen during all of those lunches in his classroom. This was the Elyssa he had admired at the Van Gogh exhibit. This was the girl who saw so much more in life than just the pain it had dealt her. This was the girl that was trying to find joy, happiness, acceptance. This was _his_ Elyssa, his vhenan.

The low, haunting melody of a piano caught his attention. He hadn’t been paying attention to the music playing at random. He didn’t even know what station he had turned the radio to. Now, all of his attention was focused on the delicate rise and fall of the keyboard notes as it slowly built and opened to the woman’s high alto voice bringing the song to life, filling it with pain. Solas’ body was raked with chills as the song rose to a crescendo and the lyrics became entirely too familiar.

_“Dancing slowly in an empty room. Can the lonely take the place of you? I sing myself a quiet lullaby. Let you go, and let the lonely in to take my heart again.”_

Solas gripped his pencil with white knuckles, snapping the small piece of graphite easily. Memories assaulted him, overtaking all reason he was barely holding onto. She had been singing this very song when he had seen her at the art store. Her cheeks had been stained with tears, her lashes were still wet. How could he have been so blind? Her depression, her loneliness, her pain had all been right there in front of him and he had _stepped away_. He had turned his back on her, made his purchases, and _left_. With a roar of rage, he threw the broken pencil still in his hand. Unsatisfied with how blind and stupid he had been he began throwing anything he could get his hands on.

“Solas, what the fuck?!” The panicked voice of Iron Bull resounded in his ears, causing his fit of rage to come to an abrupt halt.

“Hissrad?” Solas’ lip quivered, “sh-she’s not… please tell me Elyssa is okay.”

“She hasn’t changed,” Iron Bull clarified, “but care to explain to me why your studio looks like a Jackson Pollock painting?” Solas stared at him dumbfounded. “I did go to college too, you know,” Iron Bull grumbled.

“Forgive me,” Solas sighed, “I seem to be at my wit's end.”

Iron Bull boomed with laughter, “Women. The right one will drive the wits right outta you.” He set about helping Solas clean the mess he’d made. 

“Salem makes you lose all sense of reason?” Solas asked with a short chuckle. He appreciated what his friend was doing for him, trying to take his mind off the anger and pain.

“I lost any wits or reason the day I met that red-headed she-devil,” Iron Bull answered with humor, “and I wouldn’t trade her for anyone in the world.”

“Salem’s a lucky woman,” Solas complimented politely.

“I know. I know,” Iron Bull waved a hand dismissively at him, “you want to know why I’m here.” Solas nodded in response. “Answer is simple. I wanted to make sure you were okay, and to tell you that Salem is currently dealing with Elyssa’s bitch of a mother at the hospital.”

“We must go help her,” Solas turned abruptly towards the exit, only to be stopped by a large grey hand.

“Salem is more than capable of handling herself,” Iron Bull disagreed, “and it’s probably best you stay away from that situation for now.”

“She sent you here to make sure I didn’t ruin any chance she had of getting Elyssa away from that place, didn’t she?” Solas sighed. Iron Bull nodded. “It’s likely best anyhow. I don’t know how much help I’d be in my mental state.”

“You need to get some sleep,” Iron Bull suggested. 

Solas shook his head miserably, “It’s no use. I couldn’t possibly sleep right now.”

“Then you need to get drunk,” Iron Bull walked into the hall, leaving Solas staring after him in the studio. He popped his head back in after a moment, “Are you coming with me, or are you going to sit here and wallow in your self-hatred all day?”

“Salem will let you know when she’s dealt with everything?” Solas asked hesitantly.

“Of course.” Iron Bull stared at him expectantly.

“Alright,” Solas conceded, “but please let me know how things went as soon as Salem has handled the situation.”

* * *

Tense silence echoed throughout the tiled hall. No nurses or doctors bustling to and fro. No visitors coming and going, save for one. Salem glared with angry, hate-filled eyes at the elven woman before her. “I don’t think you fully understand the situation, Mrs. Alerion.” She had asked her to speak with her privately in the hall outside of Elyssa’s room, not wanting to risk Elyssa waking up to the cruel things her mother was sure to say. 

The woman rolled her angry brown eyes. “I understand my daughter wanted attention and has seemed to have gotten it from the likes of you.”

Salem raised to her full height, squaring her shoulders. “Mrs. Alerion, what your daughter has been through in the past week has been traumatic. So traumatizing that she has tried to take her own life.”

“Are you talking about that ridiculous lie she spun about Justice assaulting her?” She scoffed, “I can’t believe you still believe that.”

“I saw the bruises, Mrs. Alerion,” Salem answered, “of course I would believe physical evidence.”

“Those bruises were from her being so hysterical after Anders got upset with her for being a slut.”

Salem raised an eyebrow in disbelief. There was no way this woman had seen what she had and honestly believed that. The scratches and bruises on her hips and torso couldn’t be explained away so easily. “Ma’am, where were these bruises you saw on her?”

“Her arms,” she answered, “why does it matter?”

“Because the bruises I’m speaking of weren’t just on her arms. They were on her hips and torso as well,” Salem explained as calmly as she could.

“And you would know this how?” the woman scoffed once more.

“I was the one who took her to the hospital that night,” Salem explained, “I was there when it should have been her mother taking her to the hospital. But you wouldn’t have taken her, would you?”

“Of course I wouldn’t. She’s just doing it for attention,” Mrs. Alerion justified, “she’s always done that. Gets all sad and mopey that no one is paying attention to her, so then she throws herself on men and cries assault when she gets caught.” 

“So, you’re admitting to me that you would not take your daughter to the hospital if she came to you with physical evidence of having been raped?” Salem asked slowly, clearly to not be misunderstood.

“There’s no reason to spend money unnecessarily on a girl that wants to whore around and finally gets what’s coming to her,” she growled.

“And you are referring to your daughter, Elyssa, yes?” Again Salem spoke clearly and concisely.

“Who else would I be speaking about?” Mrs. Alerion retorted.

“Again, it is your daughter, Elyssa Lavellan, that you are referring to as a ‘whore’ and admitting to willingness to not assist her in seeking medical help should she so need it in the event of an assault?”

“What are you stupid? Yes, I’m talking about my daughter, Elyssa.” She rolled her eyes, crossing her arms in distaste.

Salem grinned triumphantly, pulling a phone from her pocket. “Mrs. Alerion, let me explain to you what’s going to happen now.” The elven woman eyed the phone hesitantly. “You are going to surrender custody of Elyssa to me. Today. Right now as a matter of fact.”

“Excuse me?” 

“Surrender custody of Elyssa,” Salem ordered, “or this recording will go along with other evidence I have to make a case to get her forcibly removed from your negligent custody, along with your other children as well.”

“Why are you going through so much trouble for her?” Mrs. Alerion questioned harshly.

“Because that girl has been through enough in her young life,” Salem answered, “she should have someone to turn to who will believe her.” The woman opened her mouth, undoubtedly to protest. Salem cut her off immediately. “This is the last chance I’m giving you to surrender peacefully and still keep custody of the two daughters you seem to care about. Take it now, or be prepared to see me in court.” Salem watched as Mrs. Alerion studied her, trying to see if she was bluffing. After a few moments of hard glaring, the woman finally sighed in defeat.

“What papers do I have to sign?” Salem pulled the appropriate papers out of her purse. She’d had a feeling after their first conversation before Thanksgiving it was going to come to this. Mrs. Alerion signed the papers quickly, giving no more thought nor care to lose her oldest daughter. After she was done, she snapped the papers into Salem’s hand. “She’s your problem now.”

“I assure you, she won’t be any problem at all,” Salem objected, “my husband and I will be by this evening to gather her belongings. Please have them prepared by then.”

“Whatever,” Mrs. Alerion waved her hand in dismissal, “just be quick about it.”

“I hope you never treat your other children this way, Mrs. Alerion,” Salem sighed, “and I hope one day you realize Elyssa is a nice girl that didn’t deserve this from her mother.”

“Think what you want, but stay away from me and my family from now on,” she ordered. A sharp heel turn later, and she was strutting angrily down the hall, never having gone in to see the girl she had just given up.


	18. Maybe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elyssa wakes up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N This chapter's song title is Maybe sung by Sick Puppies. I felt this song was appropriate because it's talking about all the way life can change. Thank you for reading and if you like the story, leave me a review so I know how I'm doing. Until the next chapter, enjoy!

The air was crisp, clean, sterile. Elyssa inhaled deeply through her nose, wincing at the dull pain that raked through her body. Her chest, abdomen, and throat seemed to bear the worst of the pain. Why did everything hurt? Had she run too hard from the mental agony she had endured in the darkness? Aside from her emotional pain, she hadn't hurt like this when enveloped in the darkness before. So why was she now? A low, steady beep found its way to her ears. Her left hand was warmer and heavier than her right. Cautiously, she opened her eyes, blinking at the harsh fluorescent lights. A green-tinted white ceiling was the first thing she saw, long rectangular light bulbs parallel to each other expertly placed about the large tile shapes. Turning her head to the right, she saw a series of monitors and bags all connected to her. Slowly, she rotated her head to the left. A large window was shaped into the wall, its curtain pulled up to reveal the dim light of twilight and the steady patter of rain. She finally looked down at her hand, her breath catching in her throat.

In a chair pushed all the way to the bed, sat the familiar shape of Solas. He was slumped in the chair, his head nestled into the crook of his arms lying folded on the bed. One of his arms was extended at the elbow just enough to allow his hand to rest comfortably in her's. Elyssa could see that his eyes were closed, his mouth hanging open just slightly. He appeared to be asleep, yet still, he gripped her hand firmly. Her heart pounded in her chest, causing the monitor to begin beeping faster. The increase in volume stirred Solas, who sat up in a daze. He blinked a few times, then his blue eyes settled on her. Under his eyes were starting to get dark and baggy, as if he hadn't slept in a few days. The whites were rimmed with red as if he had been crying recently.

"Elyssa?" he called softly as if he couldn't believe she was real, "are you really awake?"

"Not intentionally," she joked darkly, her voice coming out scratchy and hoarse. Solas handed her a glass of water, which she took hesitantly. For a brief moment, his fingertips brushed over hers, driving her heart rate audibly up. Flame spread across her cheeks, heating her face visibly. There were so many questions she wanted to ask, so many things she wanted to say. She opened her mouth only to immediately close it. She remembered what had landed her here. She remembered that she didn't matter. Fate truly was a cruel mistress, that she should fail to escape the misery it seemed determined to throw at her every turn.

"Why?" Solas asked, his voice low, hesitant, nervous. "Why did you do it?"

"It doesn't matter," Elyssa sighed, turning her head away from him. She didn't want him to see the tears that were threatening to fall. She didn't want him to know she still cared about him. She didn't want him to know that seeing how much pain she caused him hurt.

A warm hand pressed lightly on her chin, guiding her head around. Serious eyes, more grey than blue now, bore into her. She was paralyzed, trapped in his hypnotic gaze, in all the emotion they held. "It matters greatly," Solas said sternly, " _you_ matter greatly."

Elyssa's bottom lip quivered, more moisture pooling in her eyes. His eyes held the same kindness that she had always seen, but now he was looking at her differently. He stared at her with the full intensity of emotion she had glimpsed from him in short instances before he remembered who he was with and looked away. He wasn't looking away this time. He was staring, unashamed, with the eyes of someone who truly seemed to care for her. She had to be dreaming. It was the only explanation for the way Solas' eyes seemed to hold so much intense emotion, just for her. "Why?" she whispered.

He let his fingers trace the line of her jaw up to the tip of her ear, before cupping her face delicately in his palm. "Because," he began softly, "Ar lath ma, vhenan."

Elyssa's heart stopped, her stomach flipped and filled with butterflies, her breath refused to leave her body. She was definitely dreaming; but oh what a sweet dream it was. Yet, how agonizingly cruel was it as well. To give her the very thing she had wanted for so long was both pleasure and torture, simply because as much as she wanted to hear it, she knew it wasn't true. "Stop," she begged, the tears finally falling down her face, "stop being so cruel." Her voice began to rise as she let her anger and pain pour into her words. "Just STOP!"

"Elyssa?" his voice was soft, full of kindness, full of understanding, "how can I help?"

"You can make this real," she cried.

"Vhenan," he soothed, gently stroking her face, "this _is_ real."

She shook her head, "It can't be. You didn't want me. You told me it was a mistake. You have someone else." Her chest ached, the squeezing, jabbing pain more prominent than ever. Tears streamed down her cheeks like the rain falling down the window.

"Elyssa, there is no one else. There is you and only you. There will always be you and only you." His voice was husky with so much emotion, begging her to understand what he was saying. She wanted so desperately to. She wanted to believe every word he was saying. She wanted to, but…

"I'm broken," she whispered, defeated. She focused on her hands folded around the glass of water in her lap.

"You are not broken," he disagreed softly, "you are flawed." She looked up at Solas, expecting to see his eyes harden and the care in them fade. Instead, she found the opposite. His eyes were a brilliant soft blue, full of love and understanding. "I, too, am flawed."

"I don't care," she breathed, hope pulsing through her veins.

Solas chuckled, a smile coming to his full lips. "That is what makes you so perfect ma'lath. All of the time I spent carefully building and maintaining my defenses so I would never again be vulnerable was a waste. You waltzed into my life ignoring those defenses, breaking those walls without so much a thought. It wasn't until I realized that they were gone did I fully understand what had happened." Elyssa tilted her head slightly in question. "Before you, I was walking amongst the world, tranquil. I had shut myself off from caring too much, afraid because of where it had gotten me before. Then you came along, and you changed everything."

"The woman with the black hair?" Elyssa asked hesitantly, afraid to believe what she was hearing. Afraid to believe that someone truly did love her.

"That is a story for another time," Solas sighed, "when you are better and ready to listen to why I tried pushing you away." Elyssa nodded in agreement. She would wait for Solas to be ready to tell her, just as he waited for her. "For now, there is a matter that needs your attention." Her attention was turned to the door across the room, where a large horned figure stood.

"Mrs. Adaar?" she questioned. The woman stepped into the room, her legs shaking slightly as if she were nervous. She strode over to stand beside Solas, who offered her the chair he was sitting in. With a nod, she accepted and Solas left the room. Elyssa started in a slight panic at his retreating figure. She wasn't ready for him to leave, especially after speaking so ominously.

Mrs. Adaar offered her a kind smile. "He won't be far, I'm sure," she soothed.

"Why did he go?" Elyssa asked.

"To give us some privacy I would assume," she answered with a chuckle.

"Why?" Elyssa was nervous. She hadn't expected to see her guidance counselor here. She couldn't imagine why the qunari would be here, what they would need privacy for, or why Solas would say Mrs. Adaar arriving was a matter that needed her attention.

"Elyssa, what I'm about to tell you may be hard for you to hear," Mrs. Adaar began, "but I need you to listen with an open mind." Elyssa nodded, too afraid to speak. "After what happened to you before Thanksgiving, I began looking into getting you into a better home environment. When you tried to end your life a few days ago, I revamped my efforts."

"What does that mean?" Elyssa asked hesitantly.

"It means you won't be going home to your mother," Mrs. Adaar explained kindly, "instead you will be coming home with me once you are discharged."

"With you?"

"I have taken it upon myself to ensure that your living environment is a good one for the remainder of your time as a minor. I know that's only a few months, but I want to personally make sure you're safe and happy." She smiled nervously at Elyssa, waiting for her answer.

"I-I won't have to talk to my mother again?" Elyssa asked.

"You don't have to if you don't want to," Mrs. Adaar answered, "that choice is yours entirely."

"How did this happen?"

"After she heard that you were in the hospital, she came to see you. I asked to speak with her privately because I was concerned that she was not fully understanding what had happened to you. After we exchanged words, I understood that she was not… in the position to give you the care you so desperately needed. So, I convinced her to sign her custody of you over to me, making me your legal foster mother until you're eighteen."

"She signed me away?" Elyssa's lip quivered, "did she even fight you on it?" Tears spilled from her eyes once more. How like her mother to sign her away, effectively getting rid of her. She never wanted her, Elyssa had always suspected that, but to know that she had no qualms about getting rid of her stabbed her heart like a knife.

"I'm sorry," Mrs. Adaar murmured sympathetically.

"It's not your fault, Mrs. Adaar," Elyssa sighed.

"Just Salem is fine," she said, "no need to be so formal if you don't want to."

"Thank you… Salem," Elyssa tried to smile for the woman who was being so kind to her, "I'll try not to be any trouble. I-I can pay rent if you want."

Salem scoffed with a small smile, "I don't make them pay rent and they deserve it," she pointed to the two figures Elyssa hadn't noticed standing in the doorway. Coach Bull and Krem came into the room, bellowing protest. Salem silenced them with a look and a raise of her hand. "Let us not forget the water hose incident, boys," she scolded playfully. Both the human and the qunari looked away, embarrassed. Both mumbled under their breath about it 'not being their fault'.

"Elyssa, this is my husband, The Iron Bull, and our son Cremisius," Salem introduced her to the towering qunari man and human beside him. She waved tentatively, once again afraid to open her mouth and possibly insert her foot.

"Your cat is a bitch," Coach Bull blurted, holding up his arm with day-old scratch marks.

Elyssa burst into laughter, unable to stop the sound from escaping. Salem looked surprised for a moment, then began laughing too, Krem joining in as well. "That would be my ferocious flower for you," Elyssa chuckled, "she's never really liked anyone but me. I guess it's because I've taken care of her since she was a week old."

"Ferocious, I'd agree with," Coach Bull grumbled, "flower, not so much."

"I'm sorry Tiger Lily hurt you," Elyssa said, "please don't make me get rid of her."

"Who said anything about getting rid of her?" Coach Bull puzzled, "I didn't go through all that trouble of dragging her out of that house and nearly losing an arm just to toss her out."

"I can keep her?" Elyssa sighed in relief.

"Of course," Salem answered, "though we will have to get her new supplies. We weren't really able to grab much of her things along with yours."

"Thank you so much Salem," Elyssa smiled tentatively. Between Solas and now Salem, perhaps Fate hadn't been as cruel to her as she had thought.


	19. Demons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anders visits Elyssa in the hospital

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's song title is Demons sung by Imagine Dragons. I picked this song because I felt it was fitting, Anders as well as Elyssa coming to terms and facing their demons. For those of you who haven't played Dragon Age Awakening, I highly recommend it. You won't truly understand Anders and how much Justice changed him in the games until you do. I suppose there should be some warning, as they do talk about the cruel act Justice committed in chapter 12. As always, please read and review; you don't know how much knowing there are people out there who are enjoying my story has helped me stay committed to writing it.

The clock on the wall seemed to tick faster and faster as Elyssa spent some time getting to know the new family she would be going home with soon. Salem, Bull, and Krem spent some time telling her about the house she would be moving to, the rules, and allowances they would have for her. Solas didn’t stray far from her side, though Salem kept a watchful eye on him. Elyssa couldn’t help but begin to feel as excited as they seemed. They seemed to be a happy, supportive, and all-around good family. So why did they want her? She couldn’t shake the fear in her chest that she was going to mess up. That she was going to lose all of the happiness that seemed to be in her grasp right now.

Her grim thought process was interrupted by a soft knock at the open door. Elyssa’s breath caught in her throat, her heart squeezed and pounded uncomfortably in her chest, the corners of her mouth pulled down in unwanted surprise. The figure shuffled in, his head turned down, hiding his eyes from everyone in the room. Elyssa’s heart pounded as she waited for the person she was sure was bound to follow. After all, they were almost always together; but no one followed. “Elyssa?” the timid voice of Anders spoke, “your mother said you were here, that you tried to kill yourself.”

“Where’s Justice?” Elyssa asked quietly, her voice failing her. She was answered with brown eyes sympathetic and apologizing.

“I’m so sorry,” Anders said. He took a step closer to the bed and was immediately cut off by Coach Bull and Krem. 

“I don’t know what you're apologizing for,” the large man said, “but I don’t know who you are, and I’m not really interested in letting someone I don’t know near someone I’ve sworn to protect.” Elyssa blinked back a few tears that were moved to the surface by the level of devotion the Adaar family was already showing her. 

“I apologize, sir,” Anders said, his tone respectful, “but I have some information for Elyssa that’s very important.”

“Then, by all means, share it,” Solas ordered, his voice tight, crisp, and untrusting. 

Salem rose from her chair beside the head of Elyssa’s bed to face Anders. She stared at him for a long, tense moment before setting a hand gently on Coach Bull’s arm. “I think this is something Elyssa needs to decide if she wants us to hear or not,” she suggested gently. She turned to stare with soft grey eyes at Elyssa. “We’ll be just outside in the hall, yell if you need us,” she said, turning to usher the three men out of the room.

Before she could get too far, Elyssa grabbed her wrist gently in both of her hands. “Please, stay,” Elyssa begged. She stared with wide eyes at the qunari. Salem smiled kindly at her and sat back down. “Solas,” Elyssa called hesitantly, “y-you can go if you want.” Elyssa cast a fearful glance at the elven man opposite Salem. He looked at her with a worried frown. 

“Why would I want to leave you?” he asked. 

Elyssa turned her head away in shame. He wouldn’t want her anymore if he found out what Justice had done to her. Salem had been there in the clinic with her, she knew already. Solas was a different matter. Elyssa knew she had seen him in the waiting room when she left, but she didn’t remember how she got to the clinic in the first place, let alone why Solas had been in the waiting room and what he knew. “You… you probably won’t want me anymore if you hear what I think he’s here to say,” she spoke softly. 

“It doesn’t matter what he has to say,” Solas reassured her, “I don’t want you to have to deal with this alone.”

“I’m not alone,” Elyssa disagreed. She waved her hand in a small arc to the three members of the Adaar family still in the room.

“You are quite right,” Solas agreed, “however, it would pain me to think you believed I didn’t want you for any reason. So, if it is alright with you, I would like to remain here.”

Elyssa offered him a small appreciative smile, “thank you.” Solas smiled at her in response. Elyssa felt lighter, calmer, and somehow stronger now that Solas had set her mind at ease. “Okay, Anders, what is it you have to tell me?” Coach Bull stepped aside to let Anders take a few steps closer to Elyssa’s bed. 

“Elyssa, please know I had no idea that he was going to do that to you,” he began. He looked at her with pleading brown eyes, begging her to believe him. Elyssa looked at the boy she had been with almost all of high school. They’d had good times together before everything turned sour. And when had it gotten worse? When she had told him about her grandfather? Or had there been more than just that? Anders had been sweet, charming, and confident when she had met him. When had he changed into the spiteful, bitter coward she had come to know?

“You weren’t there to know,” Elyssa pointed out, bitterly, “you left me with him.”

“You had just told me you cheated on me!” Anders cried in defense, “what was I supposed to do, stick around and wait for you to do it again? Forgive me for wanting to get some distance after my girlfriend admitted to being a slut.” 

In a whirl of motion, Coach Bull stood toe to toe with Anders at the foot of the bed, Solas right behind him and Krem immediately to his right, both just as tense. Coach Bull stood at his full height, his large body tensed, his shoulders squared and arms crossed as he stared down with hard eyes at Anders. “I would watch the next words that come out of your mouth,  _ boy _ ,” he spat, “unless you happen to need a few of your teeth relocated.”

Anders’s shoulders slouched under the intimidating gaze, but his eyes drifted towards Elyssa. “I’m sorry, that was uncalled for,” he apologized. Anders took a deep, audible breath. “Elyssa I know what Justice did to you now, and I’m so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?”

“You really didn’t know?” Elyssa whispered. 

Anders shook his head, “No, I swear it.” Elyssa thought once more of the Anders she knew before Justice. The Anders she had loved. She had loved him in the young clumsy way one loves for the first time. When it's new and exciting and you don’t know what it truly means to build together. Anders had changed in the course of their time together, but so had she. They had grown apart but tried staying together because they thought that’s what you were supposed to do because they were afraid of finding something new. Things were different now. They were different now, but somewhere in front of her was the same Anders that made her open her heart just a little for the first time, and that was an Anders that deserved to be heard.

“I understand that you're sorry,” the soft voice of Salem spoke, “but was there more? You said you had information that was important.”

“I do,” Anders nodded. He took a deep breath, eyes cast down towards the floor. “After what your mom said on Thanksgiving, I decided to look into what he did that night. He didn’t even try to deny it, he wasn’t ashamed,” Anders scoffed. He looked at Elyssa then, more sympathy in his eyes. “He… he had pictures,” he told her. Elyssa choked back a sob. It was bad enough that he had done what he did, but to take pictures as well? That just made everything worse. 

“So, you know the truth now,” Salem commented, “what do you plan to do with it?”

Anders turned his gaze to the qunari woman. “I recorded the conversation he and I had about it,” he informed her, “and I’ve already taken it to the police along with copies of the pictures.” 

“You do understand what that means for your friend right?” Salem asked gently. She didn’t seem to be angry or relieved. She was some form of calm logic and silent worry. 

“I do,” Anders nodded.

“And you’re okay with that?” Elyssa questioned, “he’s been your best friend for years.”

“And you’ve been my girlfriend for years before I met him,” Anders pointed out, “how was I supposed to just sit by and let him get away with that?”

“You let him get away with treating me like I was a piece of dirt on the bottom of his shoe,” Elyssa stated in a hard voice, “you let him get away with it so well that you started treating me the same way!” She expected more angry words, the cruel mention of her past, the scoffing followed by rolling eyes, the cocky smile she hated. She expected the Anders she had known in the past two years since he had met Justice. What she didn’t expect was the downcast eyes, the frown of shame, the heartfelt ‘I’m sorry’ the Anders standing before her now - the old Anders - delivered. 

“I have treated you terribly in the past few years,” Anders admitted, “it was so easy to give in to Justice’s cruel opinion of you, to believe when he said I deserved better. I’m not proud of it, but I followed him blindly because it seemed so easy to blame everything on you.”

“What do you mean, blame everything on me?” Elyssa asked confused, “blame what on me?”

Anders shuffled his feet, looking around the room at all the people he didn’t know. “I… um… I don’t really think I’m as attracted to you as I thought I was in the beginning,” he admitted, a dark blush coloring his pale cheeks. 

“Because of my past, right?” Elyssa sighed defeated. She had always known that was the source of the problems. Somehow, having it confirmed didn’t make it any better.

“What?” Anders asked, surprised, “No, of course, that wasn’t it.” 

“I don’t understand what you’re trying to say,” Elyssa admitted, “every time we fought you would bring up the fact that I was broken and damaged.” Solas turned to look at Elyssa in disapproval. He didn’t have to say anything for Elyssa to know what he meant.  _ He _ didn’t believe she was broken, even if everyone else did.

“You're not either of those things, Elyssa,” Anders sighed, the shame evident in his tone, “saying that you were, was cruel of me.” Anders took another deep breath. “Elyssa, I think I’m gay,” he admitted, “or at least bi-sexual. Either way, I’m finding that I have been more attracted to men than I have you, or any other woman for that matter, in the past few years.”

“You’ve… been blaming your attraction to men on me all this time?” Elyssa asked slowly, not fully comprehending what he was saying.

“Yes,” Anders sighed, “Justice had me convinced that it was just your lack of affection towards me that made me feel that way. He kept throwing women at me, I suppose in hopes of showing me he was right, but I never would do anything with them. I never admitted to him it was because I just didn’t find them appealing. Which brings me to the rest of what I came here to say.” He took a long breath, struggling with whatever it was he had to finish telling her. “Elyssa, he planned it,” he told her, “it didn’t matter when or why you would have come to see me, he’d had a plan set for whenever you did.”

“What do you mean by, ‘a plan?’” Elyssa’s voice trembled, her heart pounded. She wasn’t sure she wanted to hear what he meant, but then she wasn’t sure she didn’t either. Solas left his place behind Coach Bull to come to stand by her side. He took her hand in his, giving it a gentle squeeze. Letting her know he was there, that she wasn’t alone. On her other side, Salem began rubbing her shoulders soothingly with one hand. Her gaze never left Anders, but the gentle pressure of her soft circles was comforting to Elyssa. She could do this. She could listen to this horrible truth. She could face what was in front of her now because she wasn’t alone anymore.

“The drink he gave you when you first came in, it was laced,” Anders said, “I swear I had no idea he was lacing it. I thought he was just giving you alcohol.”

“It was… but I hadn’t even told you what I was there for yet,” Elyssa tried to figure out why Justice had drugged her drink as soon as she had gotten there. It didn’t make any sense. He had done what he did because she had acted like a whore and cheated on Anders. It was her punishment, he’d said.

“He had originally planned for me to be with you, ‘without you resisting’ he said,” Anders said, “so that I ‘wouldn’t be so lonely I had to go for a guy’.” Anders shook his head angrily, “then you told me you had cheated on me and ruined his plan. At that point, I think it became a matter of revenge for him. Not just for me, but for him as well.” Another sigh from Anders, another deep breath from Elyssa as painful memories assaulted her. “I left, knowing you weren’t okay to drive because I thought you had been drinking alcohol. I figured you’d be fine for a little while. I thought after I had sobered up some, I would take you home, and that would be that. Then when I did get back, Justice had said you had passed out after telling him how sorry you were and how you still wanted to be with me. I believed him when he said that. I let myself be talked into blaming you again.”

Elyssa stared in horror at Anders, not really seeing him. She saw the cropped brown hair and pale blue eyes filled with loathing. She heard that angry bitter voice, that cruel laugh. Added to the already painful memories was the knowledge that it would have happened whether she had cheated on Anders or not. What did that mean for her? Was it not her fault as she had believed it was? Was it no longer something she deserved? Or was it her fault for not trying harder with Anders? Should she have tried to be more appealing to him? Tried harder to bring him closer instead of pushing him away? Or was this a path they would always come to?

“Thank you,” Elyssa whispered, “thank you for turning him in.”

Anders smiled at her, a kind smile laced with sadness. “It’s really over between us, isn’t it?” he remarked. 

Elyssa looked at Anders, the person she’d been with for almost four years, and then she glanced at Solas, the man she’d known for almost four months. The differences between the two were evident. Solas was someone she had been able to open up and turn to. Anders was someone she had closed herself off and hid for. Maybe if she’d never met Justice, things would have been different. Maybe they wouldn’t. Without a doubt, Elyssa knew that what she felt for Solas was so much different than what she had felt for Anders. She couldn’t even say she was attracted to Anders in the way she had been to Solas. There was something about her art teacher, something she recognized and related with, that had drawn her in. There was something about the way he was so compassionate, understanding, accepting that had captured her heart. With Anders she had been scared to be herself, hiding behind dyed hair and art. With Solas she couldn’t hide, he had seen right through her, he had embraced her - every piece of her.

“Yes, it really is,” Elyssa offered him a small smile of sympathy, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Anders smiled back, “I think it’s time we both moved on. Though I suspect you already have.” His tone wasn’t bitter, instead, it was understanding. His eyes locked onto her hand intertwined with Solas’. Solas began pulling his hand away, assumingly trying to give her the chance to deny it. She gripped his hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. She wanted Solas and she wanted him to know that. As long as he would have her, she would be here.

“There’s someone out there for you too,” she offered kindly.

Anders smiled softly, “I hope you're right.” He gave her one more sad tinged look of fondness, the way you would look at an old friend moving away, then he turned and walked out - closing another chapter of her life in the process. 


	20. Sorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elyssa's life begins anew, but will the past still haunt her?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's song title is Sorrow by Flyleaf. I picked this song because I feel like it does a good job of capturing the ups and downs of this chapter. Thank you to all those wonderful people reading and commenting, motivating me to continue writing. If you like this story, please read and review. I love getting feedback, so don't be shy!

Peaceful silence filled the air around the small room of the hospital, only interrupted by the soft scratching of her pencil against paper. It was Monday, the start of a new week, the start of a new life for her. She would be going home today; home to a place she’d never been before and didn’t know what to expect. The Adaar family painted such a lovely picture, but how would it really be living there with people she didn’t really know? Would it really be better than living with her mother, her flesh and blood? So many questions, so many doubts, and Elyssa tried to ignore them all. Thinking - worrying - about the what-ifs was making her stomach clench queasily. She tried to focus on the picture she was drawing. Salem had been kind enough to buy her some new art supplies and drop them off along with a change of clothes. The paper was brightly colored in vibrant reds, greens, yellows, blues, and purples save for the dark silhouette of a girl standing with an umbrella in the rainbow of colors pouring down. Elyssa switched her graphite pencil for one of her green colored ones, adding new hues to the section she had colored earlier. She focused on the colors, bright and inviting. Despite her upset stomach and ever-present worry, she was feeling more hopeful than she had a few days ago.

“That’s a lovely drawing,” the Tevine accent of Dorian said, coming to stand beside her bed. Elyssa had gotten to know the Tevinter nurse over the past few days as he came in to periodically check on her. He was sassy, but in a funny way that was easy to get along with. He was happily married and treated Elyssa like she was his own. It made being in the hospital a little easier, with him as her nurse.

“Thank you,” Elyssa smiled at him, “what brings you here now? I thought I would be able to go home today.”

“So eager to leave me already?” Dorian fake pouted, “and here I thought I was an excellent nurse.”

Elyssa laughed at the way he poked his lower lip out from under his dark mustache. “You’ve been a wonderful nurse,” she assured him, “I’m just so tired of looking at these bleak walls. If I stay here any longer I may just have to paint them.”

“Oh, please do,” Dorian laughed, “Maker knows they could use a little life around this place.” Elyssa laughed with him for a moment before his face fell in seriousness. “Anyway, sweets, I’m here to steal some blood from you.”

“Is there a secret vampire blood bank I’ll be donating to?” Elyssa asked jokingly.

“There would be,” Dorian teased, “if your previous blood work from your admittance hadn’t come back abnormal.”

“Abnormal?” Elyssa didn’t like the sound of that. How could her blood have come back abnormal, it should have just shown the narcotics she had taken, nothing abnormal about that in a patient that had attempted suicide. 

“I’m afraid so,” Dorain murmured sympathetically, “so, I’m going to take a few more vials to send back to the lab, and hopefully in a few days we’ll have an answer.”

“Okay,” Elyssa agreed. She watched as Dorian skillfully sterilized her inner elbow and inserted the needle to draw blood. He collected three small vials, labeling each one with a sticker that had her name and date of birth on it.

“Alright, I’ll send these to the lab first thing in the morning. We should get the results back within three days, and we’ll give you a call to let you know what we find.”

“Okay,” Elyssa nodded. There was nothing more she could do now but wait and hope it was nothing.

“Well, that’s the last thing keeping you here darling,” Dorian smiled kindly at her, “as soon as Salem comes to pick you up, you’re free to leave me forever.” 

Elyssa chuckled at the overdramatic way he was acting towards her leaving. She knew it was his way of making her smile, a task he wholeheartedly accomplished. “You know Salem right?” Elyssa asked curiously, “like outside of the hospital?”

“Of course,” Dorian answered, “she is my husband, Lue’s, childhood friend.”

“She… she’s not mean or anything is she?” Elyssa asked, nervousness cracking her voice.

“Well, that depends,” Dorian answered thoughtfully, “she can be very terrifying when someone she cares about is hurt. As for being outright cruel? No, I’d say she’s more likely to smother you to death with affection than be mean to you.” Dorian gazed thoughtfully at her. “She would not be taking you under her wing if she didn’t care for you,” he assured her, “you have nothing to worry about.”

“I hope you’re right,” Elyssa sighed.

“I usually am, darling,” Dorian chuckled. He gathered the blood samples he had extracted from her and exited the room. 

Elyssa didn’t have to wait long for the figure of the redhead, horned woman shadowed the doorway. “Are you ready to go?” Salem asked gently. 

Elyssa nodded nervously, gathering up her sketchbook and pencils. She followed Salem out of the hospital, waving one last time to Dorian. Salem led her to an older black Chevy Impala shined and cleaned to perfection. Elyssa remembered the last time she had seen this car, almost a week ago. It felt as though a lifetime had passed in a mere week.

“What’s on your mind?” Salem prodded gently.

Elyssa gazed out the window, watching as the hospital - the last familiar thing to her - faded into the distance. “Everythings so different,” She answered, “but... me... I’m still the same.” She glanced at the qunari woman next to her. Salem was focusing on the road, but her brows were furrowed in thought. Elyssa turned her gaze back to the world fading from view. “What if I fuck this up too?” she whispered under her breath.

“You will fuck up,” Salem answered. Her voice was full of kind understanding, “but that is just the nature of being alive. The question is, what will you do after you fuck up?” She turned her mercury eyes to look at Elyssa, “it’s okay to not be okay,” she said, “but you need to lean on someone when that time comes, not keep it bottled inside.”

Elyssa looked curiously at Salem, surprised at how supportive she was being. Salem wasn’t yelling, she wasn’t telling her she was a screwup - that she would never amount to anything, she wasn’t glaring at her. She was looking at her with kindness, sympathy, all the things she wasn’t used to from her own mother. Elyssa’s heart ached at the thought. Why hadn’t her mother been able to look at her like this? To be supportive and understanding like this? Elyssa turned her head away from Salem, not wanting her to see the few tears she shed for the woman that had given birth and raised her, the woman that effectively abandoned her. It was all so confusing. She was happy to be away from the negativity her mother had shown her, but she was upset that it took a stranger to show her how a mother was supposed to act. 

* * *

Pale blue streamers hung in artistic fashion around the living room of the Adaar house. The light blue offset the charcoal grey color of the two couches and chairs that adorned the room in a small square around the fireplace set into the light grey accent wall. The black coffee table was set with a small strawberry cake covered in whipped chocolate frosting, the words ‘Welcome Elyssa’ scripted elegantly in blue icing. Solas paced to and fro as he waited for Salem to arrive with Elyssa. He had begged her to let him get Elyssa, but she insisted on collecting the young girl herself. Iron Bull had tried to get him to sit down several times, or distract him by asking how the streamers were hung. Krem had even tried to take Solas’s mind off things by getting his help setting up Elyssa’s room. They had arranged and rearranged the furniture until Krem couldn’t take it anymore and shooed Solas back out to the living room.

“Why so nervous?” Iron Bull asked.

“There were... things said in the hospital the other day,” Solas answered, “and I have no idea where she and I stand now.”

Iron Bull let out a hearty chuckle, “I’d imagine you’re gonna have to stand with Salem between you two now that we’ve taken her in.” Solas looked at him in confusion. “You don’t seriously think Salem, who was opposed to you being with her before she graduated to begin with, will let you jeopardize your job again?”

“Bull, you don’t understand,” Solas argued, “I love Elyssa. I made the mistake of turning away from her once. I will not make that mistake again, job or not.”

“And how do you think that girl is going to feel if you lose your job because of her?” Iron Bull shot back, "do you think she wouldn't blame herself?"

“I had not thought about it that way,” Solas admitted in defeat, “so, that is it then? I’m forbidden to be with the woman I love?”

Iron Bull laughed once more. “Don’t be so dismal,” he said, “just be discrete and don’t let Salem know until she’s at least eighteen.” Solas smiled at his friend. “One more thing,” Bull said, “don’t let Salem know we had this conversation. If she asks I told you Elyssa was absolutely off-limits until after she graduated.”

“Of course,” Solas agreed, “I will do my best to ensure my interest in Elyssa doesn't put any more unnecessary strain on your and Salem’s lives.”

Iron Bull glanced out the window then back at Solas. “Glad to hear it,” he answered, “because they’re here.” 

Solas watched, heart pounding, as Elyssa walked nervously into the house. Her pale green eyes darted around the small gathering of people, finally settling on him. He saw her mouth form a small, shy smile as she gazed at him. She said nothing, but her eyes held all the answers he needed for now - she still cared. Where exactly they would go from here could wait to be determined after she had settled in.

"This is the living room, to your left is the dining room and kitchen, and up the stairs to your right is your room along with the bathroom and Krems's room down the hall from yours," Salem pointed out the general areas of the house for Elyssa, letting her know where anything or anyone she could possibly need would be.

"There's someone who's been eager to see you," Solas commented as he saw Krem slip up the stairs, "she's been rather feisty with anyone who's tried to get near her."

Elyssa's eyes widened in delight as she saw the blur of grey and brown fur race down the stairs, a series of high meows sounding around them. The soft tingle of the cat's bell came to a halt as the feline found its owner.

"She's been tearing at the door all day," Krem laughed in a nervous fashion, "I guess she knew you were coming home today." 

Everyone froze as they heard Krem call the Adaar house Elyssa's home. Of all the Adaars, he had been the most excited for the arrival of Elyssa. They had all hoped Elyssa would feel at home here, but until now none had dared say it. All eyes turned to the young elven girl, who had bent down to pick up her cat.

"Home, huh?" She murmured thoughtfully. She scratched the cat beneath its chin, looking at all the people around her. “It’s the best chance I’ve had at one in a long time,” she admitted with a small, shy smile, “thank you for being so welcoming.” 

Elyssa let the cat leap back onto the floor, taking a step towards Krem with her hand outstretched. Krem accepted Elyssa’s hand, pulling her into an unexpected hug. “Welcome to the family.”

Solas watched, a happy smile on his face, as the other two members of the Adaar family joined. Elyssa accepted the family hug, a contented smile on her face. It filled Solas’s chest with warmth seeing her accept the love she deserved. She had been through enough hardship, she didn't deserve to continue to suffer.

* * *

The dull roar of several conversations going on at once while groups of students crowded the hallway on their way to the cafeteria droned around Salem. It had been three days since Elyssa had come to stay with her. Though she wasn't quite ready to come back to school, Elyssa seemed to be adjusting well. She had begun decorating her room with a few posters she had found while shopping with Salem for cat supplies. She had even made an effort to get to know each family members' likes and dislikes. Salem was proud of how well the young elven girl seemed to be doing.

 _"Damn I'm a sexy bitch! A sexy bitch! Damn, I'm a sexy bitch! Damn boy!"_ The student's nearest Salem turned to look, stifling laughter as they heard her phone ringing from her pocket. Salem answered it as quickly as she could, mentally cursing herself for forgetting to silence it this morning.

"Sup, bitch," she greeted the man on the other end of the phone. Normally, Dorian would have a sassy retort. Today, however, he was all business. Salem's expression turned serious as she listened to what he had to say. Elyssa's blood results had come back, and they weren't good. 

The hours until school was over and she could leave for the day dragged on for days. When the shrill buzz of the last bell rang through the halls, she wasted no time getting to her car, speeding all the way to the hospital to pick up the necessary papers from Dorian. She wasn’t looking forward to the conversation she had to have with Elyssa now, but putting it off would do no good for anyone. Taking several deep breaths before opening the front door, Salem prepared herself mentally for what she had to do. 

Elyssa was sitting on the couch opposite the fireplace that had a large flat screen hanging above it. On the couch to her left sat Fenris, an older friend of Krem's and a former member of the Chargers football team. He had started college this year but agreed to help Salem ensure Elyssa was adjusting properly this week. He had been in a similar situation as Elyssa's a few years back, and Salem had helped him gain his freedom from his adoptive father, Darnarius. The two white-haired elves were engrossed in the blue police box spinning through clouds of multiple colors that was the intro to the show playing on the TV.

"Elyssa," Salem called for the girl's attention, "if you have a moment, I need to talk to you."

* * *

It hadn't been a bad day. Fenris was more than willing to leave her be, saying he was there if she needed anything. He didn't pry, but she understood he meant that he was there if she needed to talk. She had spent the majority of the day working on a new painting. It wasn't until she heard the loud spacey sounds from the tv downstairs that she ventured from her room. The show Fenris was watching captured her interest, so she had sat down to watch it. They had been three episodes into the season when Salem had come home.

Elyssa could tell by the tone of her voice that she wasn't happy. She sounded worried and upset, a glance at the horned woman had confirmed that. Elyssa's breath froze in her chest and her heart picked up speed. What had she done wrong? Elyssa followed Salem to the dining room connecting the living room and kitchen. 

"What did I do?" Elyssa asked in a small voice.

Salem said nothing, instead handing her a large envelope. It was the brownish-orange color official documents came in. It had the hospital's return address in one corner, and her name in the middle. Her blood work had come back. Fear bit at Elyssa like a snake striking a mouse. Based on Salem’s fallen expression it wasn’t good. With shaking hands, she opened the envelope, scanning over the paper until something stood out to her. One sentence, three words, and it changed everything.


	21. Bumper Cars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The results of the blood test are revealed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While it may not be trigger warning worthy, I do feel it necessary to say that this chapter does reference the awful things that happened in Chapter 12. This chapter's title is the song Bumper Cars by Alex & Sierra. This song, I felt, described the constant struggle Elyssa and Solas seem to find themselves in.

Tick. Tick. Tick. The clock on the wall passing time was the only sound in the kitchen. Elyssa didn’t dare breath, she didn’t dare move. This couldn’t be real, it just wasn’t possible. There was no way fate was this cruel to her. No, this had to be some kind of sick joke. This had to be… she couldn’t be… All at once, everything hit Elyssa, making her stomach churn. She didn’t say a word, instead, she ran past Salem to the kitchen sink, losing what she had eaten that day in a series of loud projectiles. She heard the footsteps behind her, tensing when a large hand came to lay upon her back. This was it. Everything she hoped to have here, a home, a family, happiness; it was all going to go away now. 

“It’s going to be okay,” Salem whispered. She began to rub large soothing circles in Elyssa’s back. Elyssa turned the sink on, using the water from the faucet to rinse her mouth out. Moisture pooled in her eyes as she stared at the stainless steel abyss, wanting nothing more than to be able to disappear like the water down the drain. She had tried and failed at that, just as she failed at everything. She was still here as some cruel form of amusement for whatever being decided on how fate played out. That had to be what it was. Her life was the punchline for some horrible joke.

"How?" Elyssa growled under her breath. She pushed Salem's hand away, turning to face the older woman. "How would you know!?" Salem opened her mouth to reply, but Elyssa cut her off. "It's not okay! It's never going to be okay!” She choked out a sob, her knees shaking as she barely held herself up. “My mother was right,” she whispered angrily, “I’m always going to fuck up.”

Elyssa felt the firm grip of Salem pulling her into her chest, wrapping her arms around her securely. “I may not know exactly what you’re going through right now, but I do know what you’ve been through. I’ve been there too. I used to think I was nothing but a failure,” Salem admitted, “but I’m not and neither are you. You will make it through this, I promise.”

Elyssa let the woman’s embrace comfort her, let it soothe the ache in her heart that never seemed to go away. All she had wanted was to move on from the past, but here it was, still haunting her. Was she doomed to forever run this wheel of misery? Never to find relief and happiness? Was peace ever going to be a thing she would get to experience? She wrapped her arms around Salem, laying her cheek flat into her torso. She felt calmer, Salem let her stand there, holding her while she cried. “How can you be so sure?” Elyssa sniffled.

“Because,” Salem patted her back gently, “you’re not alone in this. You have people here to support you, no matter what happens.”

* * *

Solas glanced at the clock on the wall. It had to be time for school to be over with, right? The seconds and minutes had seemed to drag on through eternity, now there were only fifteen minutes left before his last class was finished and he could leave. It was Friday and there wasn’t a game tonight, football season being officially over with for the school year. That meant he was free to go straight to the Adaar house for dinner. It meant he was free to see Elyssa for the first time since she’d left the hospital Monday. He hadn’t been able to disagree with Salem when she’d said Elyssa needed space to get used to everything, that she needed time to adjust. It hadn’t stopped him from wanting to see her nonetheless. 

At long last, the final bell rang, releasing Solas from his physical prison, the mental one still present in the concerns that swarmed his mind. How was Elyssa? Would she be happy to see him? Would they ever be able to talk about the moments they had shared? The words they had said to each other? The things that had passed between them? Where did they stand now? What were their hopes for the future? Did they want the same things? And most concerning, where did they go from here?

He pulled into the driveway of the Adaar house, noticing that Salem's Impala was missing. That was odd. Solas hadn't seen her at the school, he had assumed she had decided to take the day off. It wasn’t unlike Salem to play hooky every now and again. As he continued to ponder the abnormality, he noted that he hadn’t seen Krem or the Iron Bull either. He walked up to the door, frilly cakes in hand. It was the Iron Bull that opened the door for him, face somber. Solas’s heart began to race, what had happened? Where was Salem? Was she okay? Was Elyssa? 

“Solas,” Iron Bull acknowledged his presence with surprise, “it's you.”

“It’s Friday,” Solas answered, “I always come over on Fridays.”

“Yes, of course,” Iron Bull nodded. He stared over Solas’s shoulder, the sound of the Impala’s engine coming from down the road. “You… uh… you may want to come sit down.”

“What’s going on?” Solas asked, “why do I need to sit down? Where’s Salem? Where’s Elyssa?” He threw question after question at Iron Bull. Iron Bull took the cakes from Solas and ushered him to the couch nearest them. He left Solas standing in the living room while he went to the kitchen to put the desserts away for the time being. When he returned, he looked at Solas’s still standing form and let out a loud sigh.

“Sit,” he ordered, “trust me, you’re going to want to.” 

Before Solas could ask him any more questions the front door opened with a loud creak. “Kadan, how did it go?” Iron Bull asked the red-head at the door. Salem’s eyes were misted, her mouth set in a hard frown. She shook her head slowly, despondently. 

Solas paid no attention to the qunari woman. Instead, he focused on the smaller frame of the elven girl behind her. Her eyes were puffy and rimmed red. Her mouth turned down, bottom lip quivering. Her normally alabaster cheeks were pale and tear-stained, her shoulders slumped. She stared down at her feet, refusing to meet his gaze. “Elyssa?” he asked. He kept his tone soft, questioning, though his mind shouted in panic. 

Elyssa lifted her eyes to meet his, moisture pooling in their green depths. She opened her mouth as if to say something, then immediately closed it. Tears began falling, following the same paths already etched onto her skin from the ones that came before. Solas stood up, wanting nothing more than to comfort her. He hadn’t taken but a step when she let out a heart-wrenching sob and ran past him. His eyes followed her as she ran up the stairs, his ears picking up on the sound of a door closing followed by deep sobbing breaths. Solas felt a gripping cold, and unrelenting squeeze his heart. He began moving to the stairs, unwilling to let Elyssa sob without any comfort. His advances ceased when Salem placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Let her be,” she sighed, “have a seat.”

Solas rounded on Salem, his muscles tensing. “I do not wish to be asked to sit again,” he gritted through clenched teeth, “I want to know what is going on. Why is she upset? What have you done to her?” 

Salem’s jaw visibly clenched, Iron Bull took a hesitant step towards the woman. “What have  _ I _ done?” she repeated incredulously, “I haven’t done shit to her Solas.”

“Well someone must have,” Solas exclaimed loudly, “and I demand to know who.”

“Then you need to look in a fucking mirror,” Salem growled.

“You’re implying that  _ I _ have done something to upset her?” Solas scoffed, “I haven’t even been able to see her since she was in the hospital. How could I have caused this?”

“You slept with her!?” Salem yelled, “you slept with her and you left her to deal with the consequences!”

“Salem what are you saying?” Solas asked, heart thundering. His stomach clenched uncomfortably.

A soft voice from the top of the staircase kept Salem from answering. “I need to tell him,” Elyssa sniffled. Salem looked at the young girl, concern masking the anger she had just been exhibiting. 

“Elyssa, are you sure?” she asked softly.

“Yes,” Elyssa answered, walking down the stairs, “it was my choice too.” 

Salem nodded, indicating for the Iron Bull to follow her out of the room. When they were gone, Elyssa came to sit on the couch Solas was still standing by. She patted the seat next to her slowly, her eyes focusing on that spot, not looking at him. He took the seat without argument. “Vhenan, please,” he begged in a soft whisper, “what’s wrong?”

“Solas, I-I….” Elyssa stuttered, unable to tell him what was wrong. Solas waited patiently for her to find the words to answer him. More than anything, he just wanted to help. Elyssa didn’t try answering again, instead, she pushed a piece of paper in his hands. He looked curiously at the official-looking document. Why was she giving him this? Where had it come from? What did it have to do with her being upset now? It had the name of the hospital at the top, followed by Elyssa’s basic information. He continued reading, nothing standing out to him until he got to the near bottom of the page. His gaze focused on one small little sentence.  **Pregnancy test: positive** .

“You’re pregnant?” Solas whispered, unable to believe the words in front of him. Elyssa nodded her head dejectedly. An eerie sense of deja vu snuck up on him, forcing him to remember things he had long since lay to rest. He didn’t want to go back to that place from years ago. That time when he had been a shattered and broken shell of the person he had hoped to be. When his life was ruled by a cruel woman with midnight hair and hunter’s eyes. He was a different man and Elyssa was not Andruil. 

Elyssa began sobbing again **.** Solas pulled her into his chest, letting her cry in the comfort of his embrace. He understood her fear. She was young, not even legally an adult yet. She had been through so much, had felt so much pain, and now she was pregnant with her teacher’s child, his child. “Ssshhh, vhenan,” he whispered soothingly, “it’s okay.”

“I-I don’t know if it's yours,” her voice was as soft as a breeze, so soft he almost didn’t hear her. But hear her, he had. Solas froze, air refusing to enter his body, heart refusing to beat. Here he was, again. Would he never learn? Would he always open his heart to women that would crush it under the weight of two lines, now three words? He had been made a fool once again, and once again he was paying the price. The weight of her admittance crushed his heart, sending a piercing jab to the thing he had so stupidly left open. He felt the dull ache, too familiar to him now. This was the reward he got for bearing his heart to another. This was the life he was doomed to lead. Always the fool that accepted the doe-eyed apology, the insincere compliment, the blatant lie. He would never be the person the woman he opened his heart to would choose, he was always the one they turned to when things went wrong, expecting him to pick up the pieces of their infidelity. 

Solas stood abruptly, looking at the young woman he had loved, the one he had thought was different. “I need some time alone,” was the only goodbye he gave her before leaving her behind with the shattered pieces of his heart. 

* * *

Elyssa watched as Solas walked out. He said nothing to the Adaars. He hadn’t even gotten the small cakes he had brought for dinner. He had left them, left her. He had been so supportive for the too-brief-minute before she had told him the truth. She could have lied, she could have kept that secret, but Solas deserved better. He deserved to make the choice, just as she had to. She had three weeks to decide, three weeks to choose to keep the life growing inside of her, or end it. She had five weeks until she could find out who the father was, Solas or… Justice. How could she be expected to make that decision alone? How could she make that decision at all? Keep the child of the boy that had assaulted her or kill the child of the man she loved? Either way, she went, she was risking the other being the outcome. Could she live with herself if it had been Solas’s child she killed? Could she live with the decision to carry the child if it wasn’t his? 

“He just needs some time to wrap his head around it,” Salem murmured. Elyssa hadn’t even heard her come back in the room. She tore her eyes away from the door that had closed behind Solas’s retreating frame. The Adaar family were all gathered in the room now, all of them looking at her with sad, pitied looks. She stood, looking at the ground surrounding her feet. She couldn’t stand the sorrow that hung tangibly in the air.

Absentmindedly, she nodded. “Yeah,” she responded, her voice dull, “I-uh-I’m gonna be in my room if anyone needs me.” She walked to her room, retreating to lay curled into a ball. Lily jumped onto the bed to lay next to her head. Elyssa reached out to pet the cat, taking solace in the small comfort. Her heart felt like it was breaking, the dull ache pulsing with every beat. Solas left, and she couldn’t blame him. She would have done the same thing in his place. She was alone again, as she always had been. There was Salem, Krem, and Bull; while she was glad to have their support, they could only do so much. She could only do so much on her own. She wasn’t even eighteen yet, and here she was facing easily the hardest decision of her life. Her mind repeated the question over and over, what was she going to do now?


	22. Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Salem confronts Solas, forcing him to make a choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I picked Broken by Seether featuring Amy Lee because I feel this song captures the way Solas feels which I tried to highlight in this chapter. The song Elyssa is singing is Echo by Jason Walker. I picked that one because it is such a sad song that does a splendid job of describing what it's like to feel like you're alone. As always, thank everyone so much for reading! Please read and review. I love reading your comments! Also, I threw in a little reference, let me know if you caught it.

Salem watched Elyssa sit at the dining table, a plate of food in her hand. Salem had made something Solas had told her was one of Elyssa’s favorite foods. She had never made chicken fried steak before, but the recipe seemed easy enough to follow. She had hoped making the elven girl’s favorite food would encourage her to eat more than she had been in the four days since Solas had been told of the pregnancy. Her hopes were doused when she saw one small steak and barely a large spoonful of mashed potatoes on the girl’s plate. Elyssa ate with a blank expression, not seeming to have even tasted the food. Through dinner, Elyssa talked with Krem and the Iron Bull, plastering a smile on her face when necessary. It was too easy for Salem to see the lengths Elyssa was going through to make it seem like she was okay. Her heart broke for the girl, for the pain she was trying so hard to cover up. She didn’t deserve to be going through this alone.

Salem took a quick glance at her phone, something she normally didn’t allow at the dinner table. Solas hadn’t answered her text. He hadn’t answered her text or calls in the last four days. The past two days at the school he had avoided her to the fullest, refusing to so much as walk down the same hall as her. The look he’d had on his face each time she saw him wasn’t dissimilar to the way Elyssa looked when she thought no one was watching. Salem didn’t understand why Solas was acting this way. Yes, it was a lot to process. But to avoid her? To not say anything to anyone? That wasn’t the right way to handle things. He had to know how badly Elyssa was hurting, how terrible it was for her to be going through this virtually alone? Salem sent one more message, if she didn’t get an answer by the end of the night, she would deal with Solas herself. 

The rest of dinner passed, Elyssa barely eating half of what was on her plate. She offered to do the dishes, something she had done almost every night since moving in. Most nights Salem told her one of the boys could do it. Tonight, however, she decided to let her, if for nothing other than to give her something to take her mind off things for a short while. She heard the speaker from Elyssa’s new phone start playing music, the water began running in the sink, and the soft voice of Elyssa began singing with the song playing. 

_“Listen. Listen. I would take a whisper if that’s all you had to give. But it isn’t, is it? You could come save me and try to chase the crazy right out of my head. I’m out on the edge, and I’m screaming my name like a fool at the top of my lungs. Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m alright but it's never enough.”_

Salem heard the quiet sound of a stifled sob, breaking her heart further. She stepped into the kitchen, her footsteps echoing around them, alerting Elyssa to her presence. The girl quickly wiped her face, paused her music, and turned to face Salem, an unnatural smile on her face. “Hey, I’m almost done here,” Elyssa tried to sound cheery, but her voice was too high to be natural, “was my music bothering you? I’m sorry.”

“Elyssa,” Salem sighed, “what’s bothering me is how much you’re trying to act like you're okay.”

“I’m fine, Salem,” Elyssa protested, turning back to the dishes, hiding her face, “I still have a few weeks, it will be okay one way or the other.”

“You don’t have to be okay,” Salem pleaded with her, “it’s fine to not be okay. You’re pregnant and the possible father walked out, leaving you to deal with it alone.”

Elyssa put down the plate she had been washing, an audible sigh escaping her. “Solas had every right to walk out,” Elyssa said, her tone sharp, “it is not his responsibility to deal with me, he didn’t ask for any of this.”

“Neither did you,” Salem reminded her gently, “you don’t have to suffer alone.”

“I’ll be fine,” Elyssa insisted. Salem sighed. There was no getting through to the stubborn elf. The only one who was likely to was hiding out at his house like the prideful fool he was. Salem gritted her teeth, this was ridiculous. Solas couldn’t hide forever. Even if he could, Salem wasn’t going to let him. No, she was going to go have a talk with him tonight. With any luck, he would listen to her for once. 

She was greeted by the curious look of the Iron Bull when she gathered her keys. “Where are you off to, Kadan?”

Salem didn’t pause as she opened the front door, “I’m off to skin an elf.” She heard Bull’s booming laughter as she marched to her car. The drive to Solas’s house passed quickly without incident, her anger fermenting. By the time she arrived at the man’s doorstep, she was livid. She knocked once, waiting barely a minute for an answer she didn’t get. Using the house key Solas had given her and Bull when he moved in, she opened the door. She couldn’t immediately find the elven artist, causing her blood to boil further. How dare he just walk out on the girl, the student she had told him to leave alone to begin with. How dare he think he could hide from the responsibilities he now owed the girl. If he thought she was going to let him get away with it, then he obviously didn’t know Salem Adaar very well. 

The sound of a feminine giggle coming from the kitchen captured Salem’s attention. Solas was in for a very rude awakening. Salem stalked to the kitchen where a woman, looking to be in her early 20’s stood flirtatiously smiling at Solas. She was twirling a strand of long blond hair, her body barely covered by the garments one could hardly call clothes. Solas was the first to see the qunari woman, his eyes widening in panic. Salem gave him no chance to move before she tapped the woman on her shoulder. The woman turned around, her face twisted in a scowl until she saw Salem’s fearsome expression.

“You need to leave,” Salem ordered her, “now.” The woman nodded frantically, scrambling to collect her large purse from the counter. Salem waited until the woman had left before rounding on Solas. He stood plastered in fear. He had seen her angry like this before, and he had known it was best to stay silent. Salem grabbed one of his long ears, yanking him through his patio door and into his backyard. Solas was helpless to resist her grip on his appendage, forced to be drug along to where she wanted to take him. Salem stopped at the edge of the small in-ground pool he had. Without so much a word, she pushed Solas in. He didn’t stay under long, scrambling out as quickly as he could. His nose scrunched and eyebrows furrowed, a clear sign that he was pissed.

“Consider that a wake-up call,” Salem growled, not caring that he was angry, “because you’ve clearly lost your fucking mind.”

“I am more than in control of my senses,” he shot back. 

“Oh really?” Salem scoffed, “because from where I stand it looks quite the opposite.”

“Then perhaps you should stand elsewhere,” Solas growled. He twisted as much of his clothing as he could while still leaving it on his body, attempting to get rid of the water, glaring at Salem while he did so.

“Maybe it’s good that you walked out,” Salem scoffed, “because if that child is yours, they would be extremely disappointed in the coward I see in front of me now. I’d hate to see what Mythal would say about you hiding.”

“Do not bring my mother into this,” he snapped, his frown furrowing deeper down.

“Why not?” Salem retorted, her hands shaking, “You’ve brought me into it. Or did you not care about that when you went behind my back and did everything I told you not to and then hid leaving me to clean up your mess!?”

I am not hiding,” he disagreed irritably, “I was entertaining a guest.”

“Are you _trying_ to impregnate all of Thedas?” Salem snapped, “getting a high school student pregnant wasn’t enough for you?”

“She doesn’t even know if it’s mine! Who knows who else is a possible paternal candidate,” Solas spat angrily.

“Solas, look past your pride for a damn minute and think!” Salem ordered. 

Solas continued to stare with hard eyes at Salem. “My pride is not the issue, Salem” he objected, “the issue is, I have once again opened myself up to being the cuckolded fool expected to take responsibilities that are not mine.” 

“Solas, she’s not Andruil! She didn’t go out and sleep around for the hell of it. She didn’t ask for this.” Salem took a deep breath, mentally begging her friend to hear what she was trying to tell him. “Solas, she’s only a few weeks along. Who else do you know of that she’s had an encounter with recently?” Salem watched as her words finally accomplished something. Solas’s eyes widened the anger that had been clouding them finally beginning to lift. His mouth falling open slightly as he realized what she was saying. 

“What… what are you saying?” he whispered as if he didn’t want to believe it.

“You’re not dumb, Solas,” Salem stated bluntly, “you know exactly what I’m saying.”

“What have I done?” Solas muttered, more to himself than to her. 

“What have you done?” Salem repeated the question rhetorically. “You left that girl to face, quite possibly, the hardest decision she’s ever had to make. By herself,” Salem answered through a clenched jaw, her pulse still racing. “And let me tell you what she’s been doing for the past four days, Solas,” Salem huffed, “she’s been smiling, laughing, and talking as if she’s okay. She doesn’t think I can hear her crying at night, that I can hear the screams she tries to muffle when she wakes up, that I can see how dull and lifeless her eyes are, see how much effort she puts into smiling. She’s trying so hard to convince everyone she’s okay, but she’s not. She needs help- _your_ help -but she doesn’t think she deserves it.” She watched as each word penetrated Solas’s defenses, taking satisfaction in the way each word seemed to hurt him. 

“I’m so sorry,” Solas gasped.

“I’m not the one you need to be apologizing to,” Salem replied. “You claim to love Elyssa,” she said, “you need to decide if you’re really willing to be what she needs. She doesn’t deserve someone walking out when things get hard, Solas. She needs better, and I don’t know if you're the one to give it to her.”

“I don’t claim to love her,” Solas snapped, “I do love her."

"Oh really? Is that what you call abandoning her at every turn?" Salem scoffed.

"Abandoning her!?" Solas growled, "I was the one that saw through her art to the pain she carried! I'm the one that reached out to try to help her in the first place! It was me that she came to when her child of a boyfriend couldn't be trusted to help her. I'm the one that found her in a tub full of water not breathing and sat there holding her until the paramedics came!" His face scrunched with every sentence, his voice rising, “Don’t you dare say I abandoned her when I have been the one by her side these past few months!” 

"What did you do after you slept with her Solas?" Salem argued back. She continued before he could answer, "You ran and you didn't look back at the girl you left behind. You didn’t think about how that was going to affect her. You didn’t think about her at all!"

Solas took a defiant step forward, stiffening his shoulders as he stared the qunari woman down. “She was the only one I was thinking about!” he growled, “Everything I’ve done these past few months has been for her! Including walking out four days ago!”

“How in the hell was _she_ the one you were thinking of when you ran from her?” Salem chuckled darkly.

“I did not run from her,” Solas answered, “I let her go. I thought she would be better off that way.”

“In what world does that make any sense, Solas? How is walking out on her when she told you the truth benefitting her?”

“I don’t know if I can raise a child that isn’t mine,” Solas admitted, “and she needs someone who will be there for her no matter what.”

“Do you care so little for her then?” Salem snapped, “that you would have raised Andruil’s bastard but you won’t risk the possibility that Elyssa’s isn’t yours. Guess what, Solas, there is a hell of a lot greater chance that this child is yours than Andruil’s was!”

“Andruil lied!” Solas answered.

“So, you’re punishing Elyssa for doing the right thing and telling the truth?” Salem scoffed bitterly, “I’m sure that will bring her so much comfort at night.”

“Don’t you understand?” Solas exclaimed, “that’s exactly why I tried letting her go after that forsaken dance. I love her! But all I do is bring her pain.”

“Why _then,_ Solas?” Salem sighed irritably, “why _after_ you slept with her did you try letting her go?”

Solas averted his gaze, refusing to meet Salem’s eyes. “Because she said she loved me,” he almost whispered, “and I’m not someone worthy of it.”

Salem’s gaze softened a little. She knew he still carried all the pain Andruil had inflicted upon him, but she hadn’t known to what degree. Still, he’d made his choice long before now and he needed to take responsibility.

“Solas, you deserve love too,” Salem said firmly. 

He turned tear-filled blue eyes to her, “Do I?” he choked, his voice soft like the breeze ruffling Salem’s hair, “when all I do is make mistake after mistake?”

“Mistakes are a part of life,” Salem answered, “it’s not the mistake that matters. It’s what you do afterward that does. And right now, everything you’ve done afterward has been shit.”

“What do you want me to do?” Solas huffed, “how do I make things better after this?”

“You can start with the truth,” Salem shot back, her mouth buried in a deep frown, “you were scared then and you’re scared now.”

“Of course I’m scared, Salem,” Solas answered, “how could I not be? Did being with the Iron Bull not terrify you at first?” 

“Of course I was scared,” Salem answered with a scoff, “but I didn’t run, or hide, or cower when things got hard.” Salem took a deep breath. “Solas,” she sighed, “if you’re going to choose to be with Elyssa then you need to be there for the hard things too. You can’t just pick and choose, that’s not how it works.”

“Does she even want me anymore?” Solas asked hesitantly.

Salem nodded her head slowly. “I believe she does,” She answered.

“I don’t deserve it,” Solas sighed.

“No, you don’t right now,” Salem agreed, “but, if you truly want to be better, and you honestly work at it, you will.”

“Salem, I’m sorry,” Solas said, “I’m sorry for putting that strain on you. I’m sure this hasn’t been easy for you.”

“No it hasn’t,” Salem sighed, “we could all easily lose our jobs because of your lack of judgment.” She saw Solas’ head droop in shame. “You’re my best friend,” she said softly, “and I want you to be happy; but I want you to do it the right way. The safe way.”

“Thank you,” Solas responded, “I appreciate all you have done for Elyssa.”

“Just… make things right, Solas,” Salem ordered, “don’t let her keep thinking she has to be alone. Don’t let her keep questioning her worth. You of all people know how terrible that is.”

“Of course,” Solas agreed. Salem turned to walk away, having done what she came here for. “Salem?” Solas called out, causing her to turn back around, “thank you.”

* * *

Elyssa stared out of the car window as the world passed by in an unappealing blur. She felt nothing, cold, numb. She knew she should be excited. It was the day of the art show she had entered at Solas’ behest. She had spent the three weeks before homecoming on the painting she’d entered. She had been so proud of it, leaving it by Solas’ door with the essay required for the entry. He’d never told her if he’d looked at the painting or the essay before submitting them. Part of her wondered if he was going to be there now, to see how the competition went. It had been a week since she told him about her pregnancy, and she hadn’t heard a word from him. She was no closer to coming to a decision, and time was running out. 

Salem pulled the car into the hotel parking lot. She had been surprisingly supportive about the art show, booking a hotel for the whole family as soon as Elyssa told her about it. That had been before the blood work had come back. Elyssa had expected Salem to give up on her, to cancel the trip. Instead, she had seemed even more enthusiastic about it, saying they could all use the distraction. Elyssa sensed that the qunari woman was doing whatever she could to keep Elyssa from dwelling on the sorrow and loneliness. That she was even trying, helped Elyssa more than she knew. In the past few weeks, since she’d been with Salem, she had felt more care and support than in the last seventeen years she’d been with her mother. The ache, the pain, the despair that it took someone else to show her that was still there, but fading slowly.

Elyssa shuffled into the hotel behind Krem. Krem took his “big brother” role seriously, adapting naturally to having Elyssa around. He didn’t hide his opinions nor his protectiveness. He, too, had tried to keep Elyssa distracted. Asking her opinion about this drawing or that. Asking her to draw something for the girl he liked. Asking her about Lily and how she had come to own the sassy feline. Elyssa appreciated his efforts, even enjoyed their conversations. Her sisters had been years younger than her, too big of an age gap to fill with simple conversations and questions. It was different, nice, to have a ‘brother’. To have someone she could relate to easier. Iron Bull had followed Krem’s example, becoming protective of Elyssa. Unlike Krem, Bull didn’t talk much. It had been a shock when he had asked her one day at dinner to simply call him Iron Bull. “Not your coach,” he had answered when she asked why. Now, here they all were on a ‘family’ trip, and she couldn’t find it in her heart to be truly happy like she should. 

She should be happy to have the care and support the Adaars were showing her. She should be grateful to have the opportunity to showcase, and possibly win a scholarship with, her art. She shouldn’t be following behind the cheerful chatter of the people who had come out to support her, feeling helpless and lost. But she did. She couldn’t shake the feeling that a piece of her was missing, the piece that made the most sense to her. She had felt this way before. The dull ache, the days spent going through the motions of living, the feeling of being lost, she had been there before. First, when she had avoided Solas for three weeks, then again after he had told her what they had done at the dance had been a mistake he wasn’t interested in making again. 

She had thought after what he had told her in the hospital that they could move past the mistakes they had both made, now she wasn’t so sure. She was pregnant, and it was possible it wasn’t his child. How could she ask Solas to look past that? To care for and love this child when she wasn’t even sure she would be able to. How could she ask Solas to be okay with ending the life of this child before it had a chance to live? What if it was his? What if it wasn’t? She had asked herself over and over in the last week these very questions, the answer always being she didn’t know. She didn’t know what she was going to do. All she did know was, more than before, she needed Solas. She needed his support, his love, his knowledge, and wisdom. She needed to know she wasn’t alone in deciding the fate of a child, but right now she was. And she didn’t know if that was going to change. 

“Solas?” Elyssa’s head snapped up from where she had been staring blankly at the carpeted floor, at the sound of Salem’s questioning tone. Solas stood opposite them in the small hallway, his hand on the handle of a room door barely open. His eyes met Elyssa’s, effectively trapping her in their blue gaze. “I didn’t know you were staying here as well,” Salem commented. 

“This is the closest hotel to the gallery,” Solas answered, not taking his eyes from Elyssa. 

“So, we’ll be seeing you at the show tomorrow?” Salem asked.

“Of course,” Solas answered, “I have students to support, as well as Nira with her students.”

“Nira is here?” Salem asked curiously, “I didn’t know it was a music competition as well.

“Yes,” Solas answered, “the art portion will be tomorrow, the choral the day after.”

“Interesting,” Salem commented, turning to the Iron Bull “I’m going to go see if she’d like to join us for dinner.” the Iron Bull nodded and followed her with their bags into their room just down the hall. Krem followed, leaving Elyssa alone in the hall with Solas.

“Elyssa,” Solas’ voice was quiet, soft, uncertain.

“Last time I checked,” she answered sarcastically. She tried swallowing around the lump in her throat, fidgeting with the hem of her shirt. She didn’t know how to treat Solas right now. 

“I… do you have a moment?” he asked in a shaky breath. Before Elyssa could answer, Salem stepped out of her room. 

“Elyssa, we’ll be heading to the restaurant for dinner in about an hour,” she informed her kindly, “are you okay with Nira’s husband being there? She said he’s here too, so I invited him. ”

“That’s fine,” Elyssa agreed.

“Okay,” Salem said, “Solas, you’re welcome as well. I’m going to go get ready. I recommend you do the same, Elyssa.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Elyssa nodded. Salem went back into her room, closing the door and leaving Solas and Elyssa alone once more. 

Solas gave her a small, anguish-filled half-smile. “Another time then,” he murmured, retreating into his room.

Elyssa spent the hour puzzling over the events that had transpired in the hall. She hadn’t seen Solas in a week. Now that she had, she realized it was much easier to put on a brave face when she hadn’t. She had been trying so hard to be okay for Salem, but she wasn't okay. She didn’t know when she’d be okay, she didn’t know how to be okay right now. She was so lost, so alone, so scared. She wanted to ask Solas so many questions, but she wasn’t sure she was ready for the answers. She wanted to forget about everything and have him take her in his arms, to tell her it was going to be okay. She wanted to go back to almost two weeks ago when things had begun to look hopeful for her, but she couldn’t. 

When they arrived at the restaurant, Nira was there waiting for them with a man that looked very similar to Solas, though he had hair where Solas’ did not. Standing next to her was the tall figure of Solas. Elyssa’s heart pounded in her throat, her fingers tingling. Dinner passed in a blur, Elyssa not even paying attention to what she had ordered. She paid little attention to the conversation, smiling and nodding at the right times but otherwise not contributing. Throughout the entire meal, Elyssa focused on one person, and he, her. From across the table, she and Solas exchanged sorrowful looks, hardly tearing their gazes from one another. If anyone noticed, they didn’t say. The desolate look in Solas’s blue eyes tore at her heart. Why was he looking at her so despairingly? So full of regret? What did he want from her? What did she want from him? Was there any hope for them or were they doomed to run around in circles, never truly catching each other? It wasn’t until Solas got up to use the restroom that she was awarded some hope for answers. 

Solas passed by her chair, and with deft hands, slipped a small piece of plastic onto her lap. She waited until after she was back in her and Krem’s room, and Krem was asleep, to look at the plastic she had quickly shoved in her pants pocket. It was white on one side, a thin black stripe running down the length of it. On the other side was the insignia from the hotel and the numbers 394 printed on it. Why had he given her a key card? Did he want her to meet him there? If so, why? She pondered the question in her mind for a moment before jumping up. If she didn't go, she'd never find out. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those that are curious it was the room number on the keycard which is 394. I know technically it was a page number, not a room number Snape told the class to turn to, but it is from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban nonetheless.


	23. The Reason

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas finally shares his past with Elyssa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Reason by Hoobastank is this chapter's title. Why you may ask? Well, because Solas has found a reason to open up, and he is sharing the reason he has tried pushing Elyssa way and this song is a great one to highlight just that. There are some light descriptions and references to physical and emotional abuse in this chapter, so please read with caution. As usual, my lovely readers, please enjoy and let me know what you think!

Elyssa stood outside the large mahogany-colored door, her heart pounding in her ears. It was simple, just insert the card into the slot above the handle and open the door. So, why was she still standing outside the door, twisting the card over and over in her hands?  _ Just go in and see what he wants,  _ she told herself. Before she could talk herself out of it, she swiped the card through the slot. Shifting her weight from one foot to the other, she waited to hear the electronic lock click. With shaking hands, she opened the door. The room was simple, a bathroom and small closet to her right, a full-length mirror hanging on the wall to her left. Down the small hall-type walkway was a dresser sitting next to a long wooden desk built into the wall, the lone figure of a somber man sitting at it. She stepped into the room and closed the door behind her. 

“Solas?” she called hesitantly. 

He lifted his head, an anguished smile on his face, a kind pleading look in his eyes. Why did he have to look at her like he cared like he was pained by her sorrow? Didn’t he know it made it that much harder to try to put him out of her mind? Her heart squeezed in her chest, sending a dull pain throughout her torso “I suppose you have questions.” Her eyes burned with unshed tears. She wanted nothing more than to go wrap her arms around him, to tell him it would be okay. But to say that would be making a promise she wasn’t sure she could keep. 

“Salem believes you just need time to wrap your head around things,” she answered tightly.

“I fear that the truth is much simpler and much worse than Salem would like to admit,” Solas sighed. He indicated to the large king-size bed directly across from him. Elyssa sat on the cool white and black comforter, ready to hear what Solas had to say.

Solas came to sit beside her, slowly reaching out to take her hand in his. “It was not supposed to happen this way,” the features of his face were twisted in pain and despair. Elyssa’s heart ached to soothe all the pain away, but she remained still. 

“Solas, please,” Elyssa asked, “if you care, then give me the truth.” She stared at Solas with pleading eyes, her mouth a frown of confusion.

Solas took a deep breath, preparing for what he had to tell her. The truth. Why he had walked away from her twice now, and why he had come back. It was not a complicated story, not truly; but it was one that hurt all the same. “You are not the only one to have been hurt by the past,” he admitted, "unlike you, however, I could not find the courage to share mine. I pushed you away in hopes of keeping you free from my burden. All that has accomplished, it seems, is bringing you more suffering. For that, I'm sorry."

Elyssa took a deep breath, staring into the blue-grey eyes of sorrow and hope. All the pain they had caused each other. all the suffering they did, it all could've been avoided if they had both just been honest with each other from the beginning. If they had trusted their feelings instead of running from them. "I loved you," she sighed, "Do you really think I wouldn't have understood?"

"I am sorry," he whispered. Another deep breath to still his heart. It was time he told her his story. “I loved another before you,” he began, a tingling sensation in the tips of his toes, a hard lump in his throat, “her name was Andruil. I met her in my junior year of high school, and we were together until the second semester of my freshman year of college.” He forced the words out. Elyssa needed to hear this, to know why he had tried so hard to push her away. 

“Wh-what happened?” Elyssa cleared her throat, she was almost too afraid to ask. Solas looked like he was in so much pain as if the very memory of this woman hurt. 

“Andruil had quite a… different idea of what love was,” he answered, “or maybe she never loved me at all, I do not know.”

“She treated you… badly, didn’t she?” Elyssa whispered. It was easy to see, the pain of the thought evident on his face. She remembered when she had been on the other side of this conversation, how hard it had been to tell Solas everything that had happened to her. Solas answered with slow distraught nods. His bottom lip quivered, his brows furrowed in a look Elyssa recognized too well. “You don’t have to do this,” she whispered kindly.

“I want to,” Solas answered, “I need you to understand, to forgive me for acting like such a fool.”

She inched closer to him, and began rubbing soothing circles in his back, much like Salem had done for her days before, “I’m listening.”

“Andruil was not a kind woman,” he admitted, “she didn’t show it at first; but as she became more comfortable with me, she began showing her true colors. By the time I realized how cruel and manipulative she could be, it was too late. She had me exactly where she wanted me.” He gave Elyssa’s hand a gentle squeeze. “She would lavish me with attention one moment, then the next she would scream at and belittle me. She told me I was worthless, that I was nothing without her, and I believed her. Sometimes, I still do. After hearing something so often, it's an easy thing to start believing.” Elyssa nodded. She had been there before, she knew exactly how easy it was to fall into that trap. “Her saying those things didn’t hurt as much as the punishment I received for being so worthless.”

Solas took a shaky breath, not expecting the truth to be this painful. He thought he had moved past Andruil and the horrors he had endured with her. “Whenever she was displeased with me is when I would often find her in the arms of another. She never tried to hide it, she said I deserved it for being the way I was. She never elaborated, never told me what about me displeased her so. If she’d just told me, I could have fixed the problem.”

Elyssa’s blood boiled at hearing how desperately Solas had wanted to please this cruel woman, at how horribly she had treated him for it. He stared at the wall, his eyes haunted by a past she couldn’t see. “Andruil fought with me on everything. My mother, Mythal, told me more than once to leave her. As did Salem. I wouldn’t listen. I was convinced I would never find anyone better than Andruil. She was so beautiful, and she had chosen me to be with. I told myself it was an honor to have a creature such as her want me. But she had never wanted me, not truly. She wanted the attention I lavished her with.” 

Solas leaned slightly into Elyssa, unable to bear the weight of the rest of what he had to tell her alone. “When my mother died, I turned to Andruil, expecting her to offer me love and support. Instead, she wanted nothing to do with it, seeming almost happy she had died. My mother had been sick for years, I never expected it to finally catch up with her as it did. And because I was so desperate to please Andruil, I had hardly spent any time with my mother after I graduated high school. For almost a year, I all but ignored the woman that had cared for and raised me, for the one that couldn’t care less about me.” He took a deep, calming breath before continuing. “It was around that time her mistreatment of me became more… physical.”

“She  _ hurt  _ you?” Elyssa growled. Rage heated her body. How could someone hurt Solas and get away with it?

Solas rolled up the long sleeves of his shirt. In the faint light of the room, Elyssa could barely make out the large faded pink lines on his wrist and elbows. They were symmetrical, wide and jagged around the edges, and went all the way around. “Andruil had a fondness for ropes,” Solas explained. He turned his back to her, pulling his shirt over his head at the same time. On his back were more faded pink lines, these being thinner and overlapping in some places. “She also developed a fondness for a whip towards the end of our relationship.”

“Creators,” Elyssa gasped, “why did you stay with her?”

Solas turned back around, his shirt discarded on the floor. She could see a few more pink whip lines on his chest, though that had been mostly unscathed from the looks of it. “When Salem finally convinced me to leave Andruil, she revealed that she was pregnant,” Solas answered, “she claimed it was mine, though, with the number of lovers she had, it wasn’t a high probability. Still, I believed her and I stayed. This was not long after the death of my mother, so I cherished the idea to have a family of my own. I went with Andruil to all of her appointments, took care of her as best I could, I did everything I thought I was supposed to.” Solas took a deep breath, tears pooling in his eyes. “She was four months pregnant,” he whispered in a distant voice, “when she decided she didn’t want to be anymore.” Elyssa gasped. Had Andruil really done what Solas was implying? “Her father had a lot of money. It was easy for her to pay someone to perform the procedure that late in the pregnancy without asking questions.”

“Why did you guys decide not to have the baby anymore?” Elyssa asked.

“I had no part in that decision,” Solas clarified sharply, “she made it by herself while I was in class one day. We had just found out the day before it was going to be a girl." His eyes and voice trailed off to a time and place Elyssa couldn't fathom. "Perhaps that’s why she didn’t want it. I’ll never know,” he murmured almost too quietly to hear.

“Ir abelas, ma vhenan,” Elyssa said softly. Solas took her hand once more, giving it a squeeze.

“Our relationship was basically over at that point,” Solas continued, “but when she suggested going to her father’s cabin in the Frostbacks… I agreed. I spent a month there, tied and tortured for almost the entirety. Andruil didn't have any regard for my well being during this time. It wasn't long before I was too weak to be of interest to her. She left me there, too weak to leave on my own. It was Salem who finally found me. When she'd seen that Andruil had come back without me, she confronted her and figured out where to find me. Andruil ran before anyone could question what happened. I didn’t see her for years after that… until recently.”

“Sh-she was the black-haired woman?” Elyssa gasped, putting together what he was implying.

“She tried to convince me to go back to her father with her,” Solas said, “that was what you witnessed that day outside of the cafe.”

“You… you didn’t find someone new because you didn’t want me anymore?” Elyssa breathed in relief.

“No, vhenan,” Solas murmured, “I was afraid, so I ran.”

“Afraid of what?” Elyssa asked.

“Being hurt again,” Solas admitted, “I had only fleeting dalliances after Andruil, until you. You came into my life and I felt the whole world change. I didn’t mean to let you break down my walls. But break them down you did, and in doing so became the world to me.”

Elyssa took jagged uneven breaths, fighting back the tears in her eyes. “And last week?” she asked with a shaky breath.

“I was a fool,” Solas sighed, “I thought I was in the same situation I had been in with Andruil. I didn’t put down my pride long enough to see how truly different you were from her until I was once again faced with the possibility of losing you forever.”

“What?” Elyssa asked, confused.

Solas chuckled darkly, “Let’s just say Salem is very protective and brutally honest.” Elyssa chuckled with him for a moment before her face fell in seriousness. There were still so many questions that needed answers, but it was a little freeing to finally understand why Solas had pushed her away. 

“So,” she began, “where do we go from here?”

“That, vhenan, is up to you,” he answered. His eyes bore into her, hope shining in them, quickening her pulse. One corner of his full lips was turned up in a half-smile that reflected the hopeful desire in his blue eyes. She let her gaze rake over him quickly, looking once more at the scars he had finally shown to her. She pulled her own sleeve up a few inches, looking at the scars that had begun to heal. It had been almost two months ago that she had laid down her razor for good. She had been tempted many times since then, to try to feel something besides the self-hatred, but stopped each time. Each time, the memory of Solas’ worried, pleading face as he asked her not to hurt herself again surfaced. He had been the first person that said she didn’t deserve what happened to her, he had been the person that made her start believing that maybe she could be happy in the messed-up world they lived in, he had been there to offer his care and support from the beginning. She felt safe, content, cared for… loved, when she was with him. Even now, when things were so uncertain, she felt like the piece of her she had been missing all week had returned. They were both scarred, broken, scared individuals, but maybe together they had the chance to be something more, something better. 

With a gentle hand, she cupped Solas’ face. He let out a breathy sigh at her touch. Beneath her hand, his face was cool but quickly warming. She guided his head down to hers, finding little resistance from him. When her lips met his, she let out a contented sigh. This,  _ him _ , was what she had been missing all this time. She let everything she was feeling pour itself into the movement of their lips. All the loneliness, despondency, anguish she had felt since he had walked away from her. All the hope, desire, longing she felt now. She didn’t feel so alone, she finally felt like things could be okay. 

Solas wound his arms around Elyssa, deepening the kiss she had pulled him into. He held her tightly to him, heart pounding. He dared not let her go, petrified that he would wake to find this had been a dream. He felt her body melt into his embrace, a small pleased breath escaping her lips. He pulled away from her, taking a moment to enjoy the satisfied way she blinked her beautiful green eyes at him. He leaned his head down, letting his forehead rest gently on hers. He raised one hand to stroke the long locks of her hair, then moved to gently guide his fingers over her cheek and jaw. His eyes were closed, enjoying the raw sensations of her smooth skin beneath his fingers. Taking a deep breath, he inhaled the subtle scent of the floral perfume she wore. It was light, sweet, and beautiful; the perfect combination for her. 

“Solas,” she breathed, her voice thick with emotion. A tingling sensation danced down his spine at the way she sighed his name. Never before had his name sounded so beautiful coming from the lips of another. 

“Yes, vhenan?” he murmured huskily. He felt the hand that had been cupping his face glide down his neck, forming a path of electric sensations to rest on his chest. His heart thudded unevenly beneath her palm, his breaths coming in a jagged pattern. If he were to perish at this very moment, he would do so contently, satisfied if the last thing he felt was the smooth skin of her fingertips combined with the rough feel of the nails she kept short against his skin.

“I love you,” she whispered. Solas’ eyes shot open to gaze at the tender light shining in hers. A wide smile stretched across his face, delighted tears threatening to spill from his eyes. He reached up to grip both sides of her face gently in his hands, his mouth descending upon hers hungrily. This kiss was full of fervor, passion, and delight. Her mouth moved with his in equal hunger, her other hand snaking up to grip his shoulder. He groaned low in his throat, pulling her into his lap eagerly. She chuckled but moved with just as much enthusiasm to sit sideways against him.

Solas pulled away to take a desperate breath. “I love you, too,” he answered.


	24. May I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas and Elyssa begin moving forward in their relationship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A warning to those who read, there is mention and reference to the awful event of chapter 12. This chapter's song is May I by Trading Yesterday. It's a beautiful and sweet song I felt fit this chapter. As always my lovelies, read, review, and enjoy!

Elyssa’s heart thundered in her ears, her chest heaved as she tried to take to breathe around the fiery desire she felt. Solas captured her lips once more, sending her pulse racing, heating her skin where she was pressed against him. The tip of his tongue swiped delicately across her bottom lip, then her top lip then retreated back to the confines of his mouth. He repeated this dance several times, teasing her mercilessly. She sighed, her internal temperature rising with each stroke. Solas took the opportunity to capture her bottom lip between his teeth, tugging in a gently enticing fashion. A moan escaped her throat, bringing warmth to her cheeks. Solas freed her lip with a chuckle of satisfaction. His hands roamed over her arms to rest at her waist, pushing the yellow cotton material of her shirt up. Her heart plunged into her stomach, then resumed beating too fast for comfort. She froze, not even daring to breathe. Solas’ fingers were barely touching her skin, yet she felt the stabbing pain of nails digging into it. She squeezed her eyes closed at the onslaught of memories that surfaced suddenly, tears cold against her heated cheeks falling. Hard, cold, almost white eyes flashed in her mind's eye. A twisted grin, the sound of cruel laughter. No, she didn’t want to see him. She didn’t want to hear him. She didn’t want to relive that again. Wasn’t every night in her dreams enough? Why did Justice’s actions have to plague her here too?

Solas stopped moving, feeling the sudden shift in Elyssa’s body. Beneath his hands at her waist, he could feel her tremble. Tears, hot and wet, trickled onto his cheeks. He pulled away to see tears continuing to fall from Elyssa’s tightly closed eyes. Her bottom lip was quivering and her chest rose and fell in a short shallow rhythm. “Elyssa?” he called his voice heavy with concern. He moved his hands back to the sides of her face, gently wiping away her tears. “Elyssa? Vhenan?” He called again. Still, she stayed trapped in a paralysis of fear. Solas did the only thing he knew how pulling her so her head was resting on his shoulder. He remembered the ancient elven lullaby his mother had sung to him when he was upset as a child.  _ “ _ _ Elgara vallas, da'len, melava somniar. Mala tara aravas, ara ma'desen melar. Iras ma ghilas, da'len, ara ma'nedan ashir? Dirthara lothlenan'as, bal emma mala dir. Tel'enfenim, da'len, irassal ma ghilas. Ma garas mir renan- ara ma'athlan vhenas. Ara ma'athlan vhenas,” _ he sang softly, rocking Elyssa gently until her breathing evened out and her body stopped trembling beneath his hands. 

“I didn’t know you could sing,” Elyssa spoke finally. 

Solas let out a relieved chuckle. “There are many things you don’t yet know about me, vhenan,” he answered. 

Elyssa moved off of his lap, standing and fixing her shirt. She saw his eyes glistening with concern for her, a worried frown on his face. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, turning her face away from him.

Solas stood abruptly, taking her face in his hand and gently stroking her cheek with his thumb. “Do not apologize, vhenan,” he said.

Elyssa couldn’t help the tears that fell once more. “I-I wanted to,” she whispered.

Solas pulled her into a comforting embrace, kissing her forehead gently. “I know, ma’lath,” he soothed. 

Elyssa took solace in how understanding Solas was trying to be for her. She was sure it was frustrating, being stopped cold as he had been. It frustrated her, how she reacted to him going further than kissing her. She had wanted to spend the night wrapped in his arms, enjoying the progress they had made with each other. Instead, she had been tormented by memories of the injustice she had suffered. Standing here, in Solas’ arms, was making it better, but it still wasn’t what she had wanted. How long was this going to continue? Would this be something that happened anytime she tried to move further with Solas? She had so many new questions, and she wasn’t sure where to go for the answers. The only comfort she had was Solas and learning that he could sing, a pleasant surprise. She thought about what Solas had said about there being many things she didn’t know about him. He was right. He had asked her so many questions about herself all those lunches they shared, but never once did she really ask the same. That needed to change, she wanted to know everything about Solas.

“Solas?” she asked softly.

“Yes, my love?” he answered.

“May I stay the night?” she asked, hope filling her voice. 

He chuckled, running a hand down the length of her hair. “I don’t think Salem would deem that appropriate,” he answered sadly.

“Please?” she begged, “I don’t want to go.”

Solas looked at her wistfully. “It would be kinder in the long run,” he told her. She began turning away in disappointment, though she couldn’t argue with his logic. Face disappointment now to save themselves from Salem’s wrath later. “But losing you would…” He pulled her to him, planting a surrendering kiss on her lips. Elyssa smiled gleefully around his mouth.

“Ar lath ma, vhenan,” she murmured thankfully.

“Let that be my dying comfort,” Solas laughed, “when I fall to the wrath of Salem.”

“I’ll protect you,” Elyssa giggled, “I don’t think she would hurt me.”

“I believe you are right,” he answered, “she is quite taken with you.” He looked at her with thoughtful eyes, “perhaps it's because you remind her of herself. Or possibly because she’s always desired to have a daughter.”

“Either way, I’m glad I’m with her now,” Elyssa admitted, “I don’t even want to begin to think of how my mother would react to me being pregnant…” She cast a worried glance at Solas, unsure of how he was going to react to the reminder of her condition. “Sorry…” she muttered.

“Don’t apologize,” Solas responded, “it is something we should discuss.”

“Not tonight,” Elyssa answered, “please?”

“As you wish,” Solas nodded, “should I leave the room to let you get in bed attire?”

Elyssa looked down at the off-the-shoulder long sleeve yellow top and blue jeans she was wearing. She hadn’t thought of clothes when she had asked to stay, and she really didn’t feel comfortable sleeping in jeans. “Shit,” she muttered, “I didn’t think about that. I’d hate to risk waking up Krem trying to get some clothes.”

“If you’d like, I have a spare shirt that may suit you,” Solas answered. He walked to the dresser next to the desk, opened the top drawer to pull out a beige long-sleeved shirt. He held the shirt out to Elyssa in offering, who took it eagerly. “I’ll let you get changed,” Solas chuckled.

Elyssa watched him walk out of the room, allowing her plenty of privacy. She stripped out of her jeans, folding them neatly and placing them atop the desk. She did the same for her shirt and bra. She pulled Solas’ shirt over her head, inhaling the heady mix of the earthy cologne and laundry detergent that clung to it. It fell well past her waist, the longer parts of the front and back of the shirt settling at mid-thigh while the higher sides barely covered the sides of her underwear. The long sleeves fell well past her fingertips, so she rolled them up to the middle of her forearm. The collar of the shirt was high-necked but slit into a V that ended in the middle of her chest. Elyssa smiled to herself, satisfied with her clothing. 

Solas returned to the room after what felt like an acceptable amount of time to change had passed. When he walked in, he saw Elyssa standing in the entryway, looking at herself in the mirror hanging there. The sight of her in nothing but his shirt made his mouth dry. She looked stunning in such a simple garment. He closed the door and descended upon her hungrily. She let out a delighted squeal as he kissed her. “You look entirely too beautiful,” he whispered huskily in her ear. She beamed at him, a radiating warmth spreading through him at the sight. He pulled himself away from her, not wanting to push her too much. “I believe it is my turn to change clothes,” he said.

“Would you like me to leave the room?” Elyssa asked kindly.

“No, vhenan,” he smiled at her, “I would like you to get comfortable. I shall go to the bathroom to change.” 

Elyssa nodded, waiting until Solas had gathered some clothes from the dresser and closed the door to turn her attention to the bed. The only bed in the room. She swallowed past the lump in her throat, then laughed darkly at herself. It seemed ridiculous to be nervous about sleeping in the same bed as Solas now. Yet, here she was staring at the king-size bed as if it was going to stand up and swallow her whole.  _ Get yourself together _ , she ordered herself. Deep breath in, deep breath out. She climbed into the bed before she lost her resolve, settling on the edge of the side closest to the wall. She turned on the lamp beside the bed, thinking that was somehow going to make it better. Solas came out of the bathroom wearing a pair of dark green pajama pants. They were low waisted and hugged his thighs deliciously. He wore no shirt, giving her the perfect view of lean abs trailing into a defined V that dipped into the waistband of his pants. How was she supposed to sleep next to  _ that _ and keep her sanity?

“Is something wrong?” Solas asked her, his head tilting in concern. He had noticed her distraught look, immediately jumping to the conclusion that something had happened in his absence.

“Yes,” she answered with a chuckle, “you’re too hot.” 

Solas threw his head back and laughed, though Elyssa saw the tell-tale sign of a blush on his cheeks. “I’m afraid I don’t know how to help that,” he said.

“I suppose I’ll just have to suffer then,” Elyssa teasingly sighed before laughing. 

Solas laughed with her before climbing into the bed. He settled into the opposite side she sat at, scooting more towards the middle than she had. She gulped, looking at all the space between them. Should she move closer? Should she wait for him to move closer? Elyssa fiddled with the hem of the shirt, avoiding Solas' gaze. What if he thought she slept weird? What if she talked or snored in her sleep? 

"Vhenan?" Solas drew her attention to him, question in his voice, "I can put on a shirt if it bothers you."

Elyssa gave him a small appreciative smile. "No, it's not that," she sighed, her face heating uncomfortably. "I'm…I've never really spent the night with a guy before," she admitted in a small voice. Solas raised a questioning brow but didn't pry. "I was never able to stay at Anders' for more than a few hours at a time," she explained, "I didn't think something as simple as sleeping next to you would be so nerve-racking."

"Would you like to leave?" He asked kindly.

"No!" Elyssa protested spiritedly, "No, I just… I don't know what to do and I'm worried."

Solas moved closer to Elyssa, gently wrapping his arms around her and pulling her into him. Elyssa moved with him until they were both comfortably in the middle of the bed. Once they were situated, Solas released his hold on her, keeping one of his long arms curved around her back, his hand resting lightly on the curve of her hip. Elyssa settled her cheek into the dip beneath his collar bone and shoulder, resting one arm over his chest and tucking the other into her side, lying against the bed. She peeked up at Solas who was looking down at her, a pleased grin on his face.

"Now," he started, "what worries you, ma'lath?"

Elyssa ducked her head in embarrassment. "What if I snore?" She mumbled into his skin.

"What if you do?" Solas questioned.

"What if you don't like the way I snore, or sleep, or talk, and never want to stay the night with me again?" Her concerns rushed out in a stream of words before she could stop them.

Solas chuckled, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "It would take much more than that for me to bear being parted from you now," he answered.

Solas watched a pleased grin spread across Elyssa's face, seemingly satisfied with his answer. He reached to turn off the lamp, shrouding them in darkness. It wasn't but a moment later her voice, soft and curious, drifted up to him. "Solas?"

"Yes, vhenan?" He murmured sleepily, the emotional turmoil of the day catching up to him.

"What's your favorite color?" Solas could hear the peaked interest in her voice as if it was a question she needed to know the answer to.

"Green," he answered without hesitation. He settled further back into the pillows, thinking that was all the answer she required.

"Why green?" she inquired.

Solas didn’t think about his answer, giving her the first reason that had come to mind. “It’s the color of your eyes,” he said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“That’s very sweet,” Elyssa chuckled, "but why really?" 

Warmth crept across Solas’ cheekbones at her compliment. "That is one of the reasons," he said, "But there is also because it is one of the more prominent colors of nature. And, it makes me think of the magic that used to be present in this world." Peaceful silence fell, Elyssa, having seemed to be satisfied with her questions. After a few minutes, Solas allowed himself to begin drifting closer towards unconsciousness. “What’s your favorite flower?” Elyssa whispered, interrupting Solas’ drifting.

“Lupine,” he answered, “it is a flower of unique beauty and also useful for things such as putting vitamins and nutrients back into the soil after a forest fire. I also have a fondness for wolves and things named as such.”

“Because of your last name?” she asked.

Solus chuckled, what a curious creature she was. “Partially,” he answered, “my mother always called me her little wolf, it is a nickname I carried into adulthood. I was sometimes even called Dread Wolf. I think it would be no different if I had another surname.”

“Does that mean a wolf is your favorite animal?”

“No, vhenan,” he chuckled, “ _ you _ are my favorite animal.” His teasing was rewarded with the twinkling sound of her laughter. Elyssa burrowed deeper into his side, a contented sigh escaping her lips. Solas thought once more that she was finally drifting off to sleep. He realized a moment later, he was wrong once again. 

“Solas?” 

He rolled so that he was facing her, using his free arm to keep his body weight from hurting her. He captured her lips mid-question, preventing her from speaking. He kissed her deeply, enjoying the taste of her until she had melted into him. Once he was sure she had forgotten the question she was asking, he released her. “Go to sleep, ma’lath,” he instructed, “I will answer any more questions you have tomorrow if you so wish.”

“Okay,” she agreed with a breathless smile. 

Solas rolled back over, pulling her close to him, and closed his eyes. He relished the feel of Elyssa settling into sleep in his arms. The way the curves of her body seemed to fit perfectly into his side, like the last piece of a puzzle fitting into place to complete the picture. The soft sound of the rise and fall of her chest like a caressing breeze. Even the tickling sensation of her hair dancing across his arm felt like it belonged. Finally, things seemed to be heading in the right direction for them. Finally, he was doing something right. 

* * *

Salem looked at the crumpled piece of paper in her hand. ‘Elyssa is safe with me - Solas’. She fisted the paper in her hand once more. What was he thinking? Letting a student into his room at night. What if someone had seen them? Did he not understand the danger he was putting them all in by being so reckless? “Kadan?” the deep voice of the Iron Bull rumbled from beside her on the bed, “Is everything alright?”

Salem let out a deep huffy breath. “It’ll be fine,” she answered, “I just have something I have to do.” 

“Do you need help?” he asked, blinking his eyes sleepily. 

Salem smiled fondly at him, “No, go back to sleep.” He nodded his horned head, rolling over and snoring less than a minute later. Salem dressed, trying to keep her pulse from racing irritably. When she was ready to face the day that lay ahead, she made her way to the front desk of the hotel. 

A petite elven woman with wide green eyes, short brown hair, and a kind smile sat behind a computer on the desk. “Breakfast is served through that door there,” she offered with a thick accent, “there’s a hot bar as well as an arrangement of options such as yogurts, oatmeal, and cereal.”

Salem put on her sweetest smile. “Thank you,” she beamed at the woman, “but I was wondering if you could possibly help me?”

The woman’s full attention was turned to Salem, her eyes wide, her mouth turned down at the possibility of a distraught guest. “Of course,” she answered pleasantly, “what is it I can do for you?”

Salem patted the lack of obvious pockets in her casual dress dramatically. “I seem to have forgotten my keycard for my room in my hurry to come down here for the amazing breakfast I heard you guys served.”

The elf turned to her computer, a slight blush on her pale cheek, “What room number was it?”

Salem beamed appreciatively at the woman. “394,” she answered, having paid attention when she ran into Solas yesterday, “I just walked right out and didn’t realize I’d left my card until I was in the elevator.”

“I understand,” the woman sympathized, “it happens all the time.” She began typing on the keyboard, her nails clicking with the keys in a fast-fire rhythm. After a minute she pulled something from a machine beside the computer, extending it to Salem. “Here you are,” she beamed.

Salem read the name on her tag as she took the card from the woman, “Thank you, Merrill. Is there someplace I can leave you a good review?” Salem asked sweetly. Merrill blushed again, answering Salem’s question enthusiastically. Salem quickly filled out the review for the woman while she waited for the elevator to take her to her destination. She stamped her foot impatiently at the slow-moving mechanism, relieved when it finally opened to her floor. A few long strides later she was at Solas’ room. She inserted the card and opened the door with no hesitation. The room was dark save for the light from the hallway. Salem stalked past the dresser, bed, and desk to the large window opposite the door. Pulling the curtains open, she flooded the room with sunlight. Neither Solas nor Elyssa stirred. Blood boiling, she looked around the room for something to wake the two elves. She noticed the clothes Elyssa had been wearing the night before folded neatly on the desk, sending a new wave of fury through her. A small black coffee machine with styrofoam cups and a small bucket sitting next to it caught her attention, an idea springing to her mind. She grabbed the bucket, went to the ice machine she had passed in the hall, and filled it with ice and water. Walking back into the room, she stood over the foot of the bed. Glaring down at her irresponsible friend and ward, a small voice in the back of her mind had to admit that they looked kind of adorable together. Elyssa was laying on her side, one leg kicked up and bent at the knee, head resting on Solas’ arm. Solas had curled his body loosely around Elyssa, one arm draped over her side and one leg positioned in a less exaggerated version of Elyssa’s. The comforter lay in a disheveled pile at the foot of the bed, barely covering the two from the knee down. Salem noticed that Elyssa was wearing one of Solas’ shirts, an audible huff escaping her, all thought of how content the pair looked leaving with it. 

With a quick toss, she sent the ice water flying at the elves’ faces, drenching the bed as well as them. Solas awoke with a start, eyes scanning the room for the source, coming to rest on her. Elyssa sat up in a jumpy motion, not taking time to notice Salem before she ran to the bathroom. Salem glared menacingly at Solas as the sound of Elyssa emptying her stomach could be heard coming from the small powder room. Water ran for a minute after, somehow adding to the terror Salem presented. Elyssa finally noticed the qunari woman as she walked groggily out of the bathroom. “Salem?” she asked, panic underlying her voice, “How’d you get in here?”

“I could ask you the same thing young lady,” she shot back. Elyssa looked away sheepishly, a blush crawling across her cheeks. Salem cast one infuriated glance after another from Elyssa to Solas. “Now that you're both awake,” She said, “it's time we had a little chat.” 


	25. Warrior

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Salem lays down some rules, and Elyssa enjoys some time with the family at the art show.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title is Warrior by Demi Lovato. I felt it was appropriate for Salem and what she talks about in this chapter. Please do be warned, there is some mention of domestic abuse and hints of assault in this chapter. Please read, review, and let me know what you think. You guys have no idea how your comments motivate me. Until next chapter... enjoy!

Hard footstep after hard footstep on the striped grey carpeted floor thundered in the confines of the room. Solas stared at the large form of the pacing qunari woman in front of him. Her mouth was set in a hard line, eyes glistening with anger. Solas averted his gaze. He had expected this reaction from Salem, though he hadn't expected to be awoken by cold water. He cast a sideways glance at the elven woman by his side. She eyed Salem with wide, weary eyes. Solas reached discreetly to squeeze Elyssa's hand, being rewarded with an appreciative smile.

Finally, Salem sighed and ceased her pacing. “Do you two have any idea how irresponsible and reckless this was?!” Her furious grey eyes went from one elf to the other. “What if someone had seen you come in here?” Elyssa shirked back at the unwanted attention of the qunari woman. 

“Salem,” Solas directed the furious woman’s attention to himself, “it is my fault. I invited her here.”

“This should be interesting,” Salem scoffed. “Let's hear it. Why?” Salem asked bluntly, crossing her arms in front of her chest. 

“I had… things I wished to discuss with her,” he answered. 

“And that included you sticking your dick in her!?” Salem shot off, pointing to Elyssa’s lack of appropriate attire.

“We didn’t sleep together in that manner,” Solas corrected.

Elyssa turned her face away from both Solas and Salem. “Because I’m fucked up,” she muttered.

Salem turned a pointed glare onto her. “You and I will talk about what you just said later,” she said, “in the meantime, young lady, you're grounded. Two weeks no electronics and no going out of the house unless it's for work.” Elyssa stared at her, flabbergasted. “You snuck out of your room without anyone knowing where you were going,” Salem cut off any protest, “that’s one week. You also spent the night with a boy -your teacher in case you had forgotten- without permission, that’s two. Try my patience and we’ll make it three for back talking.”

Elyssa hung her head. She had never been grounded like this before, she didn’t know what to make of it. In the past, her mother would just yell at her and tell her she would amount to nothing. She never really explained why she was yelling or why Elyssa was in trouble. It made it very hard to fix the problem when Elyssa didn’t know what the problem ever really was. Salem had just explained why she was being grounded, and it made sense. Elyssa hadn’t thought about the worry Salem must have felt when she noticed Elyssa wasn’t in her room. She also hadn’t thought of the possibility of someone seeing her enter Solas’ room but never leave it. A mistake like that could easily land Solas in jail since she was still underage. “I’m sorry, Salem,” she sighed.

Salem slackened her stiff posture a little, a sigh escaping her. “Look, I’m glad you guys are past the misunderstandings,” she said, “but, you have to be careful.” She took a deep breath before pulling the chair from the desk around to face them on the bed. “If you guys are going to be together, I have some rules.” Making sure she had both of their attention, she waited to continue. “First, and most important, absolutely no sex until Elyssa is of age.” She glared hard at both elves, driving the point home. “Second, under no circumstances can you guys be seen together, publicly until after Elyssa is no longer your student, Solas. And last, use the Maker-given brains I know you two have. Don’t make your feelings for each other obvious to all of Thedas.” She looked pointedly at Solas, trying to imbed the rule into his brain through sheer vision. “Do you two think you can do this?” Both Elyssa and Solus nodded in agreement. “Good,” she said shortly, “now, Solas, I’ll see you at the art show later. Elyssa put on some pants and come with me. There are some things I’d like to discuss with you in private.”

Elyssa nodded her head and followed Salem’s instructions. She followed the older woman out of Solas’s room and into hers. Iron Bull lay snoring on the bed, so Salem pointed to the desk where two chairs sat. Elyssa took one seat, Salem the other. “Now,” Salem stated, “why do you think you’re fucked up?”

Elyssa avoided Salem’s gaze. “You wouldn’t understand,” she sighed.

“Try me,” Salem objected. 

Elyssa stared curiously at the woman. Telling Salem why she had said that would mean telling her she had been trying to have sex with Solas. “You’re just going to get angry,” she said.

“Elyssa,” Salem sighed with concern, placing a large grey hand over her petite, folded hands. “I will never get angry at something that has to do with your mental health.”

Elyssa raised an eyebrow in surprise. Salem seemed calm when less than an hour before, she had doused both she and Solas in ice water. Elyssa decided to take Salem at her word. “Well, Solas and I… we didn't have sex for lack of trying," she admitted. She peeked at Salem judging her reaction before continuing. Her eyebrows twisted downward slightly and her mouth was set in a hard line; otherwise seeming just as calm as when the conversation began. "Everything was fine until he touched my waist and started lifting my shirt up."

Salem looked at her with concerned eyes. "What happened when he touched your waist?" she asked calmly.

Elyssa took a deep breath, "It hurt."

"Was he holding you too hard?" Salem suggested half-heartedly, praying to the Maker that Solas hadn’t been rough with her.

Elyssa shook her head quickly, "No. He was barely touching me." Elyssa swallowed hard. "It felt like…  _ his _ , Justice's, hands were digging into me again," she said in a small voice, "and when I closed my eyes, I saw him and heard him all over again." she barely managed to choke out, unable to stop her voice from cracking with impending tears.

Salem's mouth furrowed, "Elyssa, that's okay."

"It's not," Elyssa disagreed, "I wanted to, but I couldn't. How could that be okay?"

"You went through something terrible," Salem answered, "it's going to take you time to be able to handle that."

Elyssa's eyes looked at the bright wood of the desk, Salem's hand still over hers in a show of support and concern. "What if I don't learn how to handle it? What if I'm never ok with sex again?" She asked in a soft, scared voice.

Salem's thumb rubbed a soothing circle into the top of her hand, bringing a small smile to Elyssa's face. "The fact that you even want to is a good sign that you'll be able to handle it one day," Salem answered, "you're always going to carry it with you, but that doesn't mean you're always going to shy away from it. And it certainly doesn't mean you're fucked up."

"How are you so sure?" Elyssa asked.

Salem took a deep breath. "I've been there before," Salem answered, "and I know exactly how you're feeling right now. But let me tell you, it does get better after a while, it's not your fault, and what you're feeling now is normal."

“What do you mean you’ve been there too? You keep saying that, but I don’t know what you mean exactly,” Elyssa asked. 

Salem took a quick glance at the still sleeping figure of the Iron Bull on the bed. He hated hearing about what had happened to her, saying he wished he had been able to stop it though he hadn’t even known her at the time. “I assume Solas finally told you about his bitch of an ex?” she asked. Elyssa nodded in confirmation. “Good,” Salem nodded in approval. “Well, I had a girlfriend in high school too,” she began. Elyssa’s eyes shot open in surprise. “Yes, a girlfriend,” she chuckled, “her name was Raven. She was actually Andruil’s best friend. That’s how Solas and Andruil met.”

“Solas knew Raven?” Elyssa asked curiously. 

“No,” Salem answered, “Raven and I were in the same grade, two years ahead of Solas and Andruil. Andruil and Raven had been friends since childhood, their fathers worked together or something like that. I met Solas when he was a freshman. You know most upperclassmen usually take an underclassman under their wing, so to speak. Solas was mine, he just seemed like he could use a friend.” Salem paused for a moment, letting Elyssa process this information. “Since Raven and I were dating, we eventually introduced our friends to each other. They didn’t start dating until a few years later, and you know what happened from there.”

“What does this have to do with you ‘having been there too’?” Elyssa asked.

“I’m getting to that,” Salem answered with a deep breath. “Raven and Andruil were alike in their treatments of Solas and me. Of course, Solas refused to see it with Andruil and me with Raven.” She shook her head at the naivety of her and Solas’ younger selves. “When Raven and I graduated, she begged me to take a few years off school to stay with her,” Salem continued, “and I did. I even moved in with her for a time.” She took a shaky breath, “during that time she became more possessive than she had been… and more violent.” It was Elyssa’s turn to rub soothing circles into Salem’s hand. “Everything seemed to set her off,” Salem sighed, “she would go into fits where she was jealous of anyone who had any interaction with me, often getting violent during them. It was during one of these fits that she assaulted me as Justice had you.” Salem took a shaky breath, feeling a large hand on her shoulder. 

“The bitch tried killing her too,” the gruff voice of the Iron Bull huffed. He squeezed Salem’s shoulder gently, bringing a small smile to her face. “If I could get my hands on her…” his voice trailed off, his face twisted in anger. 

“I went to college the same year Solas did,” Salem continued, “and I met the Iron Bull there.”

“I tried for a year and a half to get her to go out with me,” the Iron Bull chuckled, “and when she finally did, I ended up getting stabbed in the leg for moving too fast.”

Salem laughed in embarrassment, “I told you, I didn’t mean to it was a reflex.” 

He pressed a kiss to the top of her head, between her horns. “I know, Kadan,” he answered, “it was a hell of a turn on though.”

Elyssa’s face twisted in mock disgust at the lewd comment, Salem and Bull laughing at her reaction. “It took a while,” Salem said, “but I was eventually able to be intimate again. You will too. After you’re 18.”

“30,” the Iron Bull disagreed, “she needs to be 30 at least.” Salem laughed, as did Elyssa. 

“Thank you,” Elyssa smiled, “for sharing that with me.”

Salem returned the smile, “I hope it helped.” 

Elyssa nodded. “I don’t feel as bad,” she answered, “but I still don’t know how to fix it.”

“Honey, you’re not something that needs to be fixed,” Salem said, “it will come with time.” She watched Elyssa’s face fall. “If you would like,” she continued, “we can take you to see a therapist. That may help a little.”

Elyssa pondered what Salem was offering. It may not be a bad thing to talk to a therapist, at least once. It couldn’t hurt. “I can choose to stop going if I don’t feel like it’s helping?” she asked. Salem nodded in affirmation. “Okay,” Elyssa agreed, “we can try it.”

“I’ll get in touch with Dr. Cole after this weekend,” Salem responded.

“Okay,” Elyssa nodded, “thank you.”

“Of course,” Salem smiled, “we’re here if you need us, always.” Elyssa smiled at her, a warmth spreading through her chest. It was nice to have to care and support of a family, even if they hadn’t been hers, to begin with.

Elyssa paced back and forth on the hotel room’s floor. She had just finished getting ready for the art exhibit, and her nerves had caught up with her. “What if the judges didn't like my painting?” Elyssa muttered. 

“Then they’re stupid fucks that don’t know art,” Krem’s voice came from the bed opposite the one Elyssa was pacing at.

Still, Elyssa paced. “What if I don’t get a scholarship?” she asked.

“I’m sure mom will help you pay for school if you need to,” Krem answered confidently.

“What if I don’t want to go to school immediately?” She shook her hands, trying to get the unpleasant tingle to disappear.

“Then don’t,” Krem spoke once more. 

“Is what I’m wearing even appropriate?” she asked. She looked down at the black skirt that flowed softly around her calves, the white button-up shirt she’d tucked into the waistband of the skirt, and the grey cardigan she had paired with the short black open-toe heels. Her hair was pulled back and twisted at the nape into a low-hanging ponytail. She looked desperately at Krem who had on a pair of baggy khakis, a long sleeve grey shirt with a button-up V neck, and black socked feet tucked into brown shoes. “Nevermind,” she sighed.

“Elyssa,” he stood up, blocking her from pacing anymore, “you’re going to do fine. Even if you don’t win, we know you still did an amazing job.”

Elyssa took a deep breath, smiling in appreciation at him. “Thanks,” she said, “I get really nervous sometimes.”

Krem laughed, “I hadn’t noticed.” 

A knock at the room door kept Elyssa from responding. She opened the door to see Salem and Iron Bull waiting for them. Salem was dressed similarly to Elyssa, though her skirt was knee length and contoured to her slim figure, her shirt was a yellow long sleeve button up tucked in at the hem, and her heels close-toed and one inch taller. Her hair had also been pulled up and twisted into a loose bun resting beautifully between her horns. Iron Bull was dressed like Krem though his sweater was yellow and tucked in, his pants black and not quite as baggy. “Are you guys ready?” Salem asked. 

Elyssa glanced around nervously but nodded her head. When they arrived at the gallery, it was easy to spot Solas as well as Nira. Nira wore a form-fitting black dress that ended in folds at her knees and heels, her fiery hair cascading in waves to her knees. Solas in grey slacks, a white button-up opened at the collar and sleeves peeking out from the confines of a dark green sweater. Elyssa’s heart ached to go to Solas, but she remained beside Salem. She had promised to show them her painting before they looked at everything else. 

The paintings had been arranged alphabetically by the student’s names, making it easy to locate Elyssa’s. She was shocked to find that a sizable crowd had gathered around hers. Salem and Bull made quick work of making room for Elyssa to look at her painting proudly on display, a large, deep blue ribbon hanging next to it. Elyssa stared in breathless shock. She had won. Her painting had been judged earlier and she had won. She looked at the 20 x 24 framed painting she had poured her heart into for three weeks straight.

Standing vertically as the center point of the picture was a girl in a lilac dress. A thin white-blue line interwoven with shades of pale yellows and greens, followed a circular path down behind the girl starting off-center in the upper right-hand side behind the girl’s head and curved around to end at the off-center left-hand point in front of one of the girl’s feet dividing the picture into sections like the dividing line of water meeting the sky. One section was darker with dark hues of blacks, greens, and blue creating shadows as the water faded deep into an unseen abyss. The other section was bright with lighter shades of blue, white, orange, and yellow, showing the sun shining on the water. Subtle beams and shadows wove these sections together blending them into one picture. The dress the girl wore had short sleeves, exposing her shoulders, and ended a few inches above her knees. It flowed behind her, the hem fading into purple petals that floated behind her, bringing a pop of color to the darker section and bunched in the bottom right-hand corner of the painting. The girl had long brown hair -a dark auburn color being illuminated by the sun’s rays- that floated out and upwards in the same direction of the dress as if a current of water was pushing against her. The girl was positioned with one arm resting on her thigh, the other outstretched towards a hand reaching towards her from the bottom left-hand corner of the painting that was in front of her, parallel to the petals. One leg was extended, the other bent at the knee and behind her as if she had been caught midstep. Her head was turned slightly to the left-hand side of the painting, looking at a reflection of herself. Only the waist up to the head of the reflection was visible, the rest being distorted by the waves of the water. The expression of the reflection did not mirror that of the girl. Where the girl’s eyes were closed, the reflection’s were open, the green in them hard and malicious. Where her mouth was held in a small peaceful line, the reflection's was smiled wide and cruelly. Where the girl in the water’s expression was one of determined peace, the reflection’s was a mask of intended viciousness.

“I can’t believe I won,” Elyssa whispered breathlessly. 

A woman with short black hair, bright blue eyes, and a red scar running across her nose turned to Elyssa. She was flanked by a tall dark woman dressed in a white dress with a matching hat that covered her lack of hair. “You painted this?” the black-haired woman asked in a Fereldan accent. Elyssa nodded shyly, warmth creeping across her skin. “It’s gorgeous,” the woman complimented, “how did you learn to paint so well?”

Elyssa shuffled her feet awkwardly, looking down at the wooden floor in front of her. She took a deep breath, then met the woman’s pristine eyes. “I had an amazing teacher,” she answered.

“Anyone I know?” the woman asked with a chuckle. To answer Elyssa simply pointed to where Solas stood admiring another student’s artwork with them. The woman smiled kindly at her, before walking over to Solas. Elyssa was too far away to hear their conversation, but she saw Solas look at her curiously before turning with interest towards the woman. A few more people offered their praise to Elyssa while she waited for the woman to finish talking with Solas. Finally, she was able to make her way over to him.

“What was that about?” Salem asked as they approached the elven art teacher. 

“I’m not yet sure,” Solas answered.

“Okay then,” Salem shrugged her shoulders, “did you see the ribbon on Elyssa’s painting?”

Solas nodded, a bright smile directed at Elyssa, “She won as I knew she would.” Elyssa blushed in response. The fiery red hair of Nira bobbed through the crowd to join their group. 

“Congratulations,” she beamed at Elyssa, “your painting is beautiful.”

“Thank you, Miss Mahariel,” Elyssa blushed. She didn’t want to seem so casual with another teacher in front of Salem and Solas. She was sure they would consider it rude to belittle their coworker that way. 

“There’s no need to be so formal in front of Solas here,” Nira laughed.

“Elyssa does not know,” Solas chuckled. He turned to Elyssa, “this is my aunt. I’m sorry for not properly introducing you before.”

“You seemed really upset last night,” Nira waved it off.

Elyssa started from one elf to the other, flabbergasted. “ _ You’re _ his aunt?” she asked, “but you’re so young.”

Nira, Solas, and Salem laughed at her observation. “I’m only his aunt through, marriage dear,” Nira answered, “his uncle is the man I told you about before.”

“The one that looked so similar to him from dinner yesterday?” Elyssa asked. It should have been obvious, but she had been too upset to care at the time.

“That would be him, my Dread Wolf,” she responded fondly.

“Dread Wolf?” Elyssa asked curiously, looking at Solas, “your uncle has the same nickname as you?” 

Salem laughed amusingly. “No,” she answered for him, “you see Nira here has the Dread  _ Wolf _ . You have the Dread  _ Pup _ .” Everyone save for Solas laughed loudly at her joke. Solas turned his head away so Salem could not see his amused smile. Elyssa looked at the people around her, the small family that she could feel herself becoming a part of, and smiled. For once, family wasn’t seeming like such a bad thing.


End file.
